The Real Fall
Every year I'm always so surprised how quickly the "real" fall passes. The true image of fall, with multicolored leaves and weather perfect for just a sweaters; the whole point of the season seems to last only a week. Each year I always expect it to last longer, happen sooner, like it seemed to be back when I was a child. The real fall lasted for a week in the middle of November and a week ago, on the night before Thanksgiving, we had our first snow flakes of the winter season.
It's been so long since I've had the need to do this. I still read other people's online journals and I'm jealous of how they keep up with it, how they crave it and enjoy it. It reminds me of how I thought I would be continuing this until I was an old woman when, as it turns out, most days I forget I have a web site at all. I can feel the disappointment from the 17 year old in me and the realization and regret from the 19 year old. So unfunny how things turn out sometimes.
Work, Frogs, and Gambling, oh my!
I fell down the stairs at work yesterday. And when I say fell I don't mean I tripped or that I just lost my balance for a second; I really mean that I was launched backward, my left leg thrown forward into the air, my left arm trying to grasp the wall above me while my right arm was trying to break my fall beneath me, and my right foot (the culprit of the incident, apparently still slippery within my shoe due to the rain outside) lay underneath me, with the sole of my shoe actually now somehow on the *side* of my foot. In a matter of 2-3 seconds I landed hard on my ass and skidded down the 3-5 remaining steps to where I stopped. And when I say stopped I really mean I was frantically trying to find a way to fall off the face of the earth before anyone got a better look at who was attached to the one sprawled out leg visible at the foot of the stairs. Only 2 people saw it happen while 3 other people in possible earshot sort of pretended they didn't hear. Then again, I'm not sure I would of liked it any better had everyone in the office had come clamoring up to me and said, "OMGz, are you ok?" Yeah, I think I did like it better with those 3 pretending that I never ceased being upright while at work on Tuesday.
The past two weeks have *zoomed* by - I can't believe tomorrow is already Thursday and that by tomorrow afternoon I'll be on another 3 day "weekend" when it feels like last Sunday was just the day before yesterday. I can't believe that Friday marks just 1 week until I am to be in Arizona. For some reason I'm surprisingly anxious about the trip to Phoenix - but that may be due to the fact that Matt and I will be in the house without his parents for 3 days, for the first time ever in my 3 years of visiting Matt's home, and that sometime during the trip we will meet 2 people from WoW and that we may go to Disney Land at some point. I'm just hoping that my week there will not go by as fast as the past 2 here have been. Though, I can safely assume what's been causing the time to fly by: reading the Harry Potter books for nearly every second of my free time. I'm already on the fifth book, where the plot seems to be thickening, and will probably be buying the sixth book tomorrow when go to do a little after work shopping (hello new bra, how I long to feel adequate support once again).
My feelings about My Job have been touch and go, good and bad, off and on, for a little while now. It's hard to explain... I feel the inevitable has happened (people "judged" me by my stumbling and nervous and shy self, and I get the odd impression that no one at work really likes me all that much. Which I guess is my own fault, no matter how hard I tried for that not to happen; I can't blame them for the natural results of my shortcomings), I sort of feel inadequate compared to the temp hire (the same one whom I decided to "back off" of after being so talky with her on her first two days at work, thinking that if she was really interested in befriending me that she would seek me out afterwords. Other than saying hello, she's barley said anything to me unless I spoke to her first, so alot of the time her and I sit in the office to deafening silence that seems to grow louder each day, because I'm still too nervous to ask her if she'd like the radio on), and no matter how hard I try I keep messing up over stupid, easy things. Whenever someone asks me a specific question, and I have the opportunity to give a straightforward answer and actually sound remotely intelligent, I find myself not able to push the words out of my mouth; instead I end up choking on the syllables, then becoming uncertain that I even really know what I think I know, then trying to form some sort of cool seamless diversion so that I can find a visual aid for whatever it is I'm referring to so that I can just point at it with a helpless look on my face that says, "look at this, right here, this is what I can't pronounce right now for you." So far that method has been sadly effective.
Just the other day I ran into one of those situations, where the words of what I was referring to were just stuck to my tongue, refusing to jump off to form a sound, and I was left motioning to files on my computer and a stack of papers on my desk, desperately trying to get my message across. There ended up being a misunderstanding, with my boss thinking I had been using the wrong labels for this particular project... and at the time, my boss couldn't help but laugh at the situation. She said she didn't know why she was laughing, and she later said she was laughing because she thought she had told me wrong of what to do... but with all the minor things I had screwed up carelessly recently, I remember being very close to tears as I sat there stupefied, looking up at my boss and looking down at the stack of papers, asking the occasional question so that I could try to understand myself just how I came to fuck up, all the while getting more and more ashamed and furious at myself. I remember feeling even more embarrassed that this was all well within earshot of the new hire, the new hire who doesn't seem interested at all in befriending me, while my boss continued to awkwardly laugh at the then-thought-to-be mistake (that I had made.) In the end I was relieved to discover that I actually had done everything right... but the feeling of that whole situation stuck with me. I don't really blame anyone but myself for it - looking back on it, the mistake almost seems like something I would do in my most careless moments (though god I hope I never ever do)... and if I were my boss I probably would of laughed, too. Not in a viscous or bitter way... but what else would there be to do but laugh at the idea that 300 bags were now ruined with the wrong labels on them.
On to more happy, non-paranoid, making-a-mountain-out-of-a-molehill thoughts!
I actually did receive my frogs on the 30th of July. Around 6:30ish in the morning on the 31st, I woke up with my mother saying to me "your frogs are here." I had only been asleep for roughly 3 hours at the time, so it took me a bit to realize what she was saying and see the small box she was holding in her hands. When I did finally comprehend the situation, I found myself muttering “jesus” and scrambling out of bed as fast as I could. At the time I had been pretty upset that 1) they would deliver live animals so late after the regular mail was already dropped off and 2) they would put them IN OUR MAIL BOX, despite the box itself making it very clear there were LIVE animals inside of it. I mean, come on – put live animals in a metal container in the SUMMER? Though, in defense of whoever did place the box there, how were they to know that the one who usually checked the mail for that address probably was already in bed and asleep by the time they had arrived with the package. Had I known that the package would be delivered separately than the actual mail I would of checked the box several times myself that evening instead of waiting until about 3PM and then giving up.
The frogs were perfectly healthy, in their two separate bags. They were roughly an inch long at the time and have gotten slightly bigger by now (jesus, it's almost been two weeks since they arrived. I just can't get over how much time has passed). I've only yet to name one: the smaller, and obviously younger (and slightly more stupid one I'm finding): Leo. The other, I am not sure. It is bigger and from the body type it looks like it *might* end up being a female, but that's all really just a guessing game until they're older. I had wanted to name it Casper, since he's quite skiddish, but my mother treated that name like it was poison. Cecil was another option, but when my mother smiled and said "See lil Leo!" I knew I would no longer be able to stand using that name, no matter how much I liked it. Everytime I mention needing to name my frog, people try to be helpful and spit out names like "Hopper! Bumpy! Swimmer!" I don't know how people name pets these things. Those are adjectives, verbs - they are not nouns 
I'd be more likely to name the frog John than Hippity.
Since the 31st was my father’s birthday, and because I (for whatever reason) thought it would be cute to give my father an “IOU” for a free day of gambling and fun at Charles Town Races, we ended up going there for his birthday instead of just staying at home and having some seafood (and, naturally, this was decided and sprung upon me around 9AM, after I had only gotten 1 more hours sleep after setting up my new frog's home, bringing me to a total of 4 hours sleep for that night). I did not pay for this trip, though – I didn't have money at the time to afford it and my father knew this, so we ended up going on the family's money. Betting the horses was somewhat fun, but instead of us picking our own odds and each getting our own tickets we instead would each pick a horse we liked for the race and we would alternate (for whatever dumb reason, all it did was break up the $20 bills my father gave the 3 of us when we arrived) for who would go buy one ticket that included all three of our chosen horses. We came close to winning $100 a few times, but was always one horse off. We only won once with a $16 win. We ended up playing some slot machines (and losing money, even though I had offered near the end of a losing streak to cash out, which would of given back the original $10 I put in it, but my father, being the obsessive gambler that he is, insisted that I keep playing - which meant the $10 was lost). I could tell my father wanted to stay a lot longer there (we were only there for roughly 4 hours) but he had made a very crucial mistake – he had fed my mother lunch/dinner while we were betting on the horses so of course now all she was interested in doing was leaving. (P.S. The buffet there sucked. And not that it had bad selection, it's just that most of the food there was actually *bad* and tasteless... there hasn't been many times I've actually been able to say that).
Vision Launch, Rough week, MIA froglets, Harry Potter
I had a bit of a hectic week, probably one of the best/worst I've had since getting My Job. Monday was a usual day aside from the fact that 1/2 of it was spent setting up for the vision launch on Tuesday at a local university, and that the heat index that day rose near to 105 or 110. Monday was also when I first met the new temp My Boss hired to help during these busy months and who would be filling the up-until-then curiously empty desk in our office, though I had no idea they had even interviewed someone for the position aside from asking family members of the other employees if they would be interested. However, I did get the impression that she knew some of the other employees at My Job, so maybe that was the case in the end. I didn't talk to her much on Monday since it was spent mostly with us doing different tasks, like setting up the decorations at the tables and different tasks when we were back at the office.
Tuesday I had to be at the location for the vision launch at 6:45 AM - quite a bit earlier than I've had to wake up in quite some time, excluding waking early for flights. I was there a bit earlier than some of the others, though My Boss and another coworker were already there blowing up balloons. And, naturally, I had no problem proving just how awkward and clumsy I can be at all the wrong moments when My Boss handed me a balloon she had just filled up for me to tie to a mug (which had been my idea yesterday - I actually felt really great that I had the suggestion for using the extra mugs [that were left over after setting up the tables] as pen holders for registration and to tie the balloons on) and I wasn't near quick enough to grab it, and watched helplessly as it floated off to the ceiling, only able to mutter a pathetic "oops" to let them know what I had just done. As the rest of the balloons were blown up, I pretty much willingly stayed away from them as the others made light jokes about me being off balloon duty (which I didn't mind, I would of felt awful if I did it again and I didn't even trust myself not to). When I did find myself handling the balloons again some 20 minutes later, I don't think I could have clutched their strings any harder if I tried - though usually if anyone saw me with a balloon in my hand they would quickly find a place it needed to go and took it from me. Again, not that I minded - I probably would of responded the same way. By the time more people were arriving for the breakfast, I had looked up and noticed that there now was another balloon beside mine on the ceiling. I said "oh, well, that makes me feel a little bit better," thinking that I was now not the only one who had accidently let one go. The new hire smiled at me and said, "that would make me feel better, too." Though, thinking back on it now, it did look as though the other balloon was positioned proportionally beside mine, almost as if it might of been done on purpose to make my one balloon look better up on the ceiling...
During the vision launch I also had the job of taking pictures. I asked if I was to take "in action" photos or posed photos, and My Boss said she'd like in action better - which was both good and bad. The good part was that I wouldn't need to awkwardly interrupt conversations by people and ask them to cluster together and smile, though the downside was that now I was basically playing the role of camera sniper, trying to find people who didn't notice me approaching to take their picture. I had assumed that there would be some people who would not like their picture's taken, but I had no idea just how far some people would go to *not* be in one. I almost felt like a criminal, and it almost seemed like word of mouth was going around that "the young redhead as a camera," because if I approached someone and was sizing up the prospects of taking their picture, and they caught me, they would magically all turn away from each other and start roaming around the room, as if they meant to do it. There was one guy, who the new hire noticed with me, that he blatantly side stepped behind someone beside him when I tried to take his picture - and he did it twice. I couldn't help but go over to the new hire and laugh a little bit with her over it.
Throughout the day I tried to tell others the story of the dodging photograph guy, but I either told it in the most awkward way (leaving people looking at me with a slight smile, nodding, but not really finding it funny like I thought they would) or I could never really get the story out before someone else had more important matters to discuss with the person I was trying to entertain with the story.
During the actual breakfast I had to sit close up front to take pictures. It was a bit tricky finding a way to juggle both taking pictures, listening to the speakers, and trying to eat the sweet croissant and orange juice I had gotten from the breakfast bar. Overall, I really enjoyed the speakers at both the breakfast and the program after that my boss lead. I got alot of great information about the company itself, and it was great to see some of the leaders of the organizations I had been doing data entry about stand up to speak and sound excited and motivated about their companies and their causes. It wasn't a *huge* clarification, because I had learned a great deal already up until that point though My Boss and the documentation I had been given, but it was alot of the smaller, finer points that were cleared up for me. I really like knowing the what and the why's for everything I'm doing, as much as I can anyway, because it helps me do a better job if I understand what it's real purpose is. Overall it felt like the vision launch ceremony itself did that just fine.
After the first part of the program my boss was running (which was for about 1/3 of the people who had attended the breakfast before) I had to leave and go pick up some food for lunch. It was a nice new cafe that I had to go to in Central Park, which I noticed right away had chocolate covered strawberries on display, and the people there were even nice enough to put all *5* large food trays in the front seat of my truck for me. I had no problem finding and getting to the location where the lunch would take place, and after carrying in the (surprisingly) heavy wrap trays and dip though the miserable heat and down what felt like a mile of hallway to the meeting room, myself, another coworker, and the new hire were able to sit down to rest and talk a bit while eating some of the cookies before the others got there.
After the others arrived to the lunch location from their tour, my boss did more presenting/discussion with the 1/3 of people from breakfast, as did some of the people who worked at the facility we were having lunch at. My role during all of this, as well as the fellow coworker and the new hire, was to essentially stand/sit along the side wall and wait for whether or not my boss needed anything (our primary job was to get food and set up the room for the lunch), but I did not mind that at all - by that time it was running near 1 o'clock, much longer than I've ever been in "work mode" for more than 2 years, and it was probably good that I wasn't working my ass off at the time. Everything was probably wrapped up around 1:45ish, and I followed the busses back to the original location for the vision launch so I could help my boss clean the place up and load stuff into her car.
Before leaving for the day (which was around 2:30), my boss thanked me for helping out that day, but I couldn't help but thank her in return - even though by that point I was quite exhausted, I still had a really good time at the event and really appreciated being invited to come, even if I was working during it. My boss also told me a few more details about the new hire, too, which answered a few questions that had popped into my mind. I had already accidently overheard some conversations that I thought related to the empty desk in the office (though I tried my best not to when I heard them talking about something that might be relating to it, trying extra hard to focus on every single letter I was reading while going through files and spreadsheets) so some of it I could just nod to without her having to go into much detail.
That night both the cable internet and TV went out for hours without any warning, or even any real purpose - it wasn't storming at all and the power seemed fine. I started to get bored around 8 o'clock and decided I would waste gas by going back into town to buy some of those chocolate covered strawberries and finally purchase some of the Harry Potter books, so when the urge struck me they would be right there. I ended up eating the strawberries while driving around, at one time going to the movie theater, thinking I might see a movie instead - but by that time (9 o'clock) there wasn't going to be any movies showing, even the ones I didn't like, until around 10ish. I ended up going to Borders and purchasing the first 2 Harry Potter books (with the clerk telling me "good choice" as she wrung up the books, and told me that if I didn't like the first two books I should definitely give the third a shot; though the only thing I could think of to say in response was a smile and an "oh, really," when I probably should of thanked her - I got the impression as I walked away that she felt she had said "too much," which was a feeling I used to have alot as a cashier when someone didn't seem very interested before walking away from whatever light conversation I had been trying to make with them) and attempted to eat the chocolate covered strawberries on the way home in the dark (which I got all over myself and my purse, naturally.)
Wednesday and Thursday at work seemed horrible random, various reasons. I was still exhausted from Tuesday on Wednesday, and I did my best to keep a bit of space between me and the new hire that day. Not because I disliked her, actually quite the opposite - overall I talked alot to the new temp hire on Tuesday, making plenty of jokes and just making casual conversation. It seemed that whenever we were left standing in a crowd we would end up moving toward each other to stand together. By the end of that day I had really gown to like her - she seemed really friendly and didn't seem to find me annoying, but I know all too well that I can get that way after a while. I figured it would be best if I didn't pester her all of Wednesday and Thursday just so I didn't come on too strongly (because, thinking of it now, it was usually I who approached her to talk than she approached me). I guess part of me was really interested in meeting someone new my own age again, in person. It probably sprung hopes within me that maybe her and I could be friends outside of work, since admittedly, I no longer have any real life friends here in this area now that Stephen has apparently moved down to Richmond (though I have not spoken to him since he stood me up that one day in February, when I waited 4 hours, dressed and ready, for him to call me back so we could go have a usual meal at Pizza Hut and catch up... and even after I called him a couple of times that day, and even the weeks that followed, he never did call me back to explain or say he was sorry).
Wednesday night I had managed to pop out my knee as I have done only 3 other times in my life (so it was swollen and sore the following day), and I also felt a small headcold coming on (runny nose and sinus pressure), so that was what made Thursday especially hard to get through. I had more filing work on that day, too, while my boss was out of the office most of the day and the new hare and I spent our time mostly in silence, with me even being too timid to ask if she'd like the radio on because I figured if she herself never suggested turning it on so that maybe she didn't enjoy music while working and might just say yes if I asked just to be nice... See, this is why I have a condition caused by worry - because I worry over every little thing.
Thursday night, when I got home, I finally caved in and ordered some African Clawed Frog from growafrog.com. There couldn't be a more childish and unprofessional looking site, but I'd read many reviews about their service and the frogs always seemed to arrive healthy and happy and could live long lives; so I figured, why not. I purchased 2 froglets (brownish in color) and a little house with food and what not to keep them in, mostly so I could get a better look at their setup so that I can recreate a larger version for them when I put them in a bigger tank. I was *so* hoping the little guys would arrive today, as I was told "2-4 days via USPS priority mail," so I guess I'll have to wait till Monday to see them, and hopefully not Tuesday. I'm sure they were given some food for the journey, but I'll be the poor things will be starving by the time they arrive.
Them not arriving today feels as though I've wasted a large chunk of my weekend, having spent most of yesterday and today trying to do activities to make the day go by fast - such as reading my Harry Potter books like a fiend. Even though they're written for children, I've always been a slow reader, so it took me until yesterday to finish the first book. Though, I'm proud to say, I'm already 1/2 way through the second, and will probably be farther along by the time I go to sleep tonight. By the way it's looking I'll have to purchase the third and fourth books on Monday (I've already decided I'll go ahead and push on with the books - they're really lovely, and I figure it "works" for me to have seen the first 3 books as movies first that I would now experience the 4th, 5th, and 6th years at Hogwarts through the books). That is, if my funds can take me purchasing the books.
Wow.. that's more than enough from me for today. I need to work on my father's birthday present for tomorrow... whatever that's going to be.
Goodbye Cayenne and Kasey, Hello Harry Potter
For the first time in 3 and 1/2 years I no longer own any sort of aquatic animal. Kasey and Cayenne now have a new home with a friend my mother works with. In my heart I'm having slight regrets for letting them go, because I do really like them and enjoyed having them around... but the fact of the matter is that I could not seem to make enough time to properly care for them. They're not that much upkeep really, but it's more than a regular fish would be... and I just felt awful that I would actually go long periods of time just "forgetting" about them and their needs. They are living things, they never did anything to deserve to be forgotten or only be paid attention to when their care giver is going through a short phase of actually giving a shit. I had thought about giving them away for a while, so maybe they could find a more attentive home, and have been especially considering it over the past couple of days since getting the new carpet. Since I had to completely unload the tank so the new carpet could be installed I just didn't want to set it back up again after words. So, I didn't... and so, my mother asked her friend if her and her children would be interested in taking them in. Yesterday I sent them an e-mail with a link to a very informative site along with any extra pointers and information I could give them, and today the deal was set and done for 2 axolotls + their old tank, filter, food, and rocks for $30 (though I was given $40 in the end). After the arrangements were made they arrived 2 and 1/2 hours later to take Kasey and Cayenne to their new home. I talked with some some before they left, with me answering any other misc questions they had. All three of them seemed interested in the animals and had already read a great deal about the axolotls from the site I had directed them to (which I thought was great.)
After they left I found out the younger boy, who was age 11 and who the axolotls were "for" (though the whole family will be taking care of them), was going to rename them to Sludge and Pudge. And hey, whatever works best for them - if they'll love Sludge and Pudge and give them an environment that they can flourish in then that's more than I could ever hope for for Kasey and Cayenne.
Of course, naturally, now that the axolotls are gone I've been looking at websites and seeing how much it costs to purchase African Clawed Frogs (the first aquatic only animals [other than fish] that I had ever owned). I've always been really interested in frogs and the African Clawed Frogs are actually very low maintenance - probably on the same level as a fish. But, I dunno. I should wait a little bit of time before I even consider purchasing something else, because I may really like not having any obligations in my life right now as I work on getting used to my more hectic schedule. Also, there is a chance that I may get the axolotls back if the situation doesn't work out for their new home. I'll just have to wait it out and see.
I've also been having urges to start reading the Harry Potter books, though I'm not sure if it would be a wise decision. Usually I like to watch the movies first and THEN read the book, only because people always say that the movies are so much worse than the books they're based on; I'd rather start out with the crappy version and work my way toward the better story. I just don't know if I'll be able to stop myself from reading the 4th book despite the 4th movie not coming out until sometime this November. In the end I probably will, though, despite any minor reservations I may have - I'm dieing to get in on all the secrets everyone bitches about other people telling them before they've had a chance to read the books. My biggest hurdle will be actually getting myself to go get the books, which is where the real conflict comes in: should I be cheap and rent the books or should I purchase them? Decisions decisions.
Carpet my world
After having scrambled to pack up a large portion of my belongings both last night and this morning, after having 3 men in the house for 9 hours working diligently (who did not speak English for 95% of the time they were here, and who while speaking Spanish around me had very "interesting" tones in their voices), after having handled so many cardboard boxes and so much wooden furniture that random pinpoints on my palms and fingers are now stinging with what either could be paper cuts or splinters, and after 25-30 years of an orange/rust color carpet that not only clashed with everything in the universe but also was so flat and worn in in high traffic areas that even mashing and scrubbing a bristle brush to it would not make the yarn-like fibers pop back to life... after all of that, there is finally some new carpet in this house. Beige carpet too - you can't get much more high class than that!
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Yes, those are my ugly feet in the photographs. But the carpet makes them look good imo.
In general, this layout is falling apart. I just now accidently changed how it looked by using the copy of the style sheet that was saved on my comp (when I should of known better) and the calendar above has been fucked up because when I originally designed it I did not consider that *gasp* some months take up the span of 6 week blocks. After I realized this I decided I would probably have a new layout by the time that little oversight would become an issue. Oh silly, lazy me.