Thoughts of My Job and Phoenix
So. I'm at work and it's 2PM. I've run out of things to do, and when looking around the room there doesn't seem to be anything that needs to be done (that I know how to do, at least) that I could do instead of typing this. My Boss is currently at a meeting and isn't scheduled to be back until around 3ish. I thought I had quite a bit of work to do while she was gone but it all seems to be the type of work I'm able to zoom through.
That's something I've noticed while here – currently there is a very big divide between what I'm "good" at and what I'm "bad" at. When it comes to typing stuff up, or doing anything in Microsoft Excel or Word (with the only exception being when I need to "design" something in either of those two programs, which is when my anal-ness for detail kicks in and slows up my overall productivity) I can usually breeze through it extremely quick after I've gotten down my rhythm for the task. Then there are other things, such as filing or just in general searching over large documents that for some reason… I can't do quite that well. I would guess it's because I've never had to work so closely with folders and files before as I am now, but it's still frustrating to me when I feel like I'm not doing as well as I imagined I would. I'm sure it'll just take time to get the hang of it, and (hopefully) it'll also just take time for me to relearn the ability to see things that are right in front of my face instead of interrupting My Boss with tons of pointless questions. She's always so great and nice about answering them but I just want to kick myself every time the answers I need are 3 inches from my face.
I certainly hope my nervousness and shyness while at work passes soon. It's still in full force, and while it's slowly getting better and better, part of me still panics a little bit every time someone speaks to me. Normally it does take me a while to get comfortable with new people and places, but most of those around me aren't going to wait a month for me to calm down to form an opinion of who I am and whether they'd like to be friendly with me. While I was at work today, I had the heart wrenching thought that my relationship with My Boss could maybe eventually mirror the way Jenn and I ended up splitting apart like oil and water in 2001. With Jenn and I, I never meant for that to happen, and I certainly never wanted it... but I can probably pinpoint a large portion of the blame on my inability to just get over my anxiety and act myself. By the time I had she had already long sense decided who I was and what I was about by how I had acted for the previous 2 months (as any normal person would, really).
All the times I find myself literally *STARING* at My Boss when she speaks to me, in my effort to overcome my "handicap" when nervous (I tend to have a much harder time understanding and comprehending what someone is saying to me when I'm nervous. Why, I don't know - nearly everything is in one ear and out the other - but somewhere along the way I realized if I focus intently on whoever is speaking I can overcome it [for the most part]. Sadly "focusing intently" comes with the side effect of coming off as a crazy creepy staring person as I bore a hole into their forehead with my eyes while they talk) I'm always left feeling like such a freak - like I just want to crawl under my desk and hide after words. So, yes, I certainly hope all of that passes soon - I may not have much longer to waste with it before I dig myself into a social hole.
Speaking of My Job, I do have to say that I absolutely love it so far. I've learned most of the people's names (which is a huge accomplishment for me), I got my e-mail set up the other day and my first e-mail was a funny joke e-mail from a coworker downstairs (which for some reason was a relief for me… I have no idea why, but it was), I had my first office meeting last Wednesday (where everyone ordered food the previous day for it from a local restaurant [I had a BLT, it wasn't that great but I ate as much as I could]. The meeting itself wasn't anything too technical or complex – overall it was great for me to go to because I got to hear and learn a lot more about the company and hear more about what everyone there does), and I just flat out enjoy just about every task I've had to do here (with the slight exception to filing, but I started to get into it near the end of it yesterday). There's only been one day so far where I left the office feeling as though I could of done better – and that was last Thursday, my second time handling the misc folders My Job keeps for the other companies they're associated with. I was going about as fast as I could go (all while still trying to get used to minor things, like how to balance the files in my lap or what's the best order and sequence I should do most tasks so that they take the least amount of redundant movement, etc) but at the end of the day I got the impression that My Boss felt I should of gotten farther along than I did. Looking back at it now I probably would have responded the same way as she did – on both Monday and Tuesday I was able to finish up the work nearly 2x as fast as I did it on Thursday. I guess I must of spent a lot more time "learning" and "getting a hang of it" on the 14th than I realized.
I was able to get time off approved to visit Matt in Phoenix at the end of August. I was totally floored and thrilled that My Boss approved the time off, and I had every intention of thanking her in person (as I had asked her over e-mail about the time off, since I didn't want to put her on the spot in person and I figured her having the dates "written down" would be a lot more handy if she needed to take a while to get back to me about it) but every time I went to say it I couldn't figure out a way to so that I wouldn't apologize right after spitting out the words "thank you." I have no idea why I had the urge to apologize… I already had told her "sorry for any inconvenience this may cause" in the e-mail, but I did genuinely feel bad that I was asking for so many days off work (a full week's worth, 4 days) during a time that I had known since my interview would be busy around the office. The whole reason why I did not want to apologize was because I had already been doing it so much already for misc things (like for asking too many questions, losing/forgetting something right in front of my face [or even if it was something I never would of known where to find it], needing more help than I thought I should be asking for, etc) and I didn't want to do it to the point where it got annoying or it took away from the fact that I really am sorry and am not just saying the words. I usually apologize a lot, almost too much, simply because I'd rather be seen as an "I'm sorry" person than an "I did something wrong or annoying but I'm totally not going to acknowledge it and take responsibility for it" person. Well… for most situations I'd prefer to be seen like that – if I get to a point where I've become stubborn, I'd take the asshole route any day. Until I've calmed down and apologized 2x as much, that is. Then being an asshole would be the asshole thing to do.
But, anyway, I'm getting off topic.
So, for the reasons explained above, I have yet to actually thank her for allowing the time off. It's been almost 2 weeks since I asked and she approved it; it's almost to the point where I'll have no choice but to apologize for simply waiting so freaking long to follow up like I should of the next day to begin with… which is just frustraiton on top of frustration =/ There's a breakfast thing coming up on the 26th, at 7:30ish AM, where My Job will be launching a few new things, and maybe on Monday when My Boss and I go over to setup for it I'll spring the "Thank you" on her. And I guess I'll have to go over everything I just wrote here to her, because I do want her to know just how much I appreciate it and that I didn't mean to wait so long to thank her... I just couldn't get the delivery I wanted. Luckily this will be the only time of the year where I'll feel (or be) this much of an inconvenience when it comes to taking time off. Matt and I are already prepared for the concept that I'll need to work a few days while he's here in November, March, and June.
I'm looking forward to visiting Matt in Phoenix, as always. This year we'll actually be able to sleep in the same room – though not because his parents suddenly became ok with the concept of us possibly having sex in their house, but because Matt's old bedroom was turned into an exercise room (which I'm still absolutely shocked over. Matt swears he told me about the room being changed but I simply have no recollection of that. I guess to me it just represents the one place we spent the most time in during my first trip there in August 2002 as just suddenly poofing into thin air. I would of taken more pictures of his room, better, clearer pictures, had I known it was going to happen). So, all that's left for him and I to sleep in is the guest bedroom (where Matt is currently staying now, and what had been dubed as "Chrisy's Room" for the past 3 years whenever I stayed there) and I'd guess we'll be sleeping in the same bed (gasp). That is, unless his parents go out of their way to purchase an air mattress, though I'm not sure where it would fit with all the other furniture a + my luggage + his computer stuffs in the room.
While in Phoenix we're going to try to meet up with 2 of the people we play WoW with. We've known them both for roughly 4-6 months now, though I've only seen a picture of one of them (but I've spoken to the other quite a bit on TS during raids in WoW). Matt didn't seem that keen on the idea – he hasn't really seemed to be up to meeting new people for a while now – but I'm looking forward to it a lot. Lets just hope I'll actually be calm enough to talk and have fun and not just sit there staring at them bugeyed and making incoherent squeaking noises in response to any questions they ask me.
Only 2 more days until we get a new carpet as well. I'm looking forward to it, can't wait to see the finished product, but I still need to back up a lot of crap in my room =/ Hopefully I'll still have time to finish that and open a new bank account on Friday while they're putting in the carpet.
Good things come to those who wait
I can't believe it's already July.
That's the best opening line I could think of after having not updated this for nearly 2 months.
I can't believe it's been 2 months since I updated
If it were not for certain recent good events I probably would not bothered to make an update now, either. For the past 3 years, it's been an off and on struggle for me to *want* to write about anything. I'd like to think that all that time I spent waiting, dealing with my own issues to stabilize myself, and putting my life on hold in general have finally paid off in some way.
I finally got a job. A permanent job, doing Data Entry, locally, working Monday through Thursday for 5 hours a day at $10 an hour (which is more than I've ever been paid before). It being part time doesn't bother me in the slightest bit, and with the location and job description being something I could not find in the thousands of other job listings I bogged through makes it is absolutely amazing that I not only saw it in the paper (after nearly giving up) but that I also was hired for the position. The only real obstacle in front of me now is learning the program the company uses for the data entry, but there's ample resources online that I can look at to help myself become progressively familiar with the software. I was told it will be My Job to know and "own" the software and it's database, and I plan to do exactly that.
In some ways, I'm surprised I got the job. Not because I'm bad for it, or because I don't think I can handle it - in fact I feel the exact opposite. In some ways getting hired has given me a huge confidence boost because even though I was my usual quirky, nervous, stuttering, unclear, and ungraceful self (aka, every single flaw that I analyzed and tortured myself over after all my other failed interviews), there was still something about me that impressed them enough to still feel I was the best for the position. Even after showing them this site in all of it's flaw filled and self bashing glory, even after explaining this site's purpose and what a blog is (I even elaborated about how this site played a part in everything blew up with Jenn in October of 01), after being very frank about my IBS and how it has effect my life since I was 15, and even after I told them that my nervousness can get so bad that I do one day want to pursue mediation for it... even after being as absolutely honest as I possibly could, I still got a call on the 28th of June offering me the position. And that is, again, absolutely amazing.
Sometimes I just sit quietly, staring to space, just thinking to myself... "wow." It's amazing how much this has meant to me... but I guess anything someone waits a great deal of time to have would have the same effect when they finally accomplished it. I never realized how ready I was to have money and responsibilities, and to finally be able to live my "real" adult life, until the past week. It's just so hard to put into words exactly - and my usual inability to write anything positive isn't helping.
Also, for future reference: Because I showed them this site, and because I was so honest of it's purpose, they made one simple request on my first day of work (07/05/05) - that I not mention the company by name or any specific details about the company itself or what it does. Considering how utterly grateful I am to be given the opportunity to work there, I have no problem fulfilling that request. From now on, I'll only reference where I work as My Job. If I'm speaking of the wonderful and kind woman I work for, I'll simply call her My Boss. I'll come up with other obvious codenames as needed, though I doubt I'll be doing alot of writing about it to need them - at least, not in any place public like this. It may sometimes frustrate myself not to, but my new job is worth more to me than writing here.
Before I run off to do some laundry, here are some other good perks from the past month:
- My parents have finally gotten out of debt (refinancing homes ftw) and now have the option to do some much needed fixes to the house. I have been painting the inside of the house (living room, hallway, and master bedroom done so far) and a new carpet will be installed on the 22nd (it will be a light tan color - goodbye 20 year old reddish rust color).
- While I was painting, I was able to muster up the courage to ask my father to switch monitors with me - and he agreed. I know have a 17" monitor which has made my gaming experiences so much better.
- I also recently purchased a ram upgrade for my computer (using the money I've received from painting the house [$6 an hour]). I'll be upgrading from 1 gig of PC113 to 2 gigs of PC2700. I also plan to eventually purchase a video card upgrade, probably a Radeon 9600XT.
- Because My Boss is utterly amazing, she OK'ed Matt and I's usual August trip. I'll be in the beautiful city of Phoenix from the 19th until the 28th - and this time I'll actually be able to pay for stuff! Woo!
- In geeky news, my guild in WoW has been making amazing progress in MC - we've taken down all of the bosses except for Majordomo and Ragnaros, both of which are much harder than any of the other bosses. We took our first real shot at Majordomo last night and by the 5th try or so had *really* made progress with the encounter - all that was left was 2 adds and the boss itself before the raid started to wipe. We're trying again on Monday and I can't wait to see if we'll be able to learn from last night and beat him.
And I thought I was too old for this
The past few weeks have been overflowing with frustration and depression. These 3 weeks have been filled with fights that lead to violent outbursts, thousands upon thousands of mood swings, and just a general irritability that seems to almost be radiating off of me. I've turned into who I was 5 years ago - I've reverted into a version of my father with the added bonus of occasional PMS - and I feel so lost when I try to think of how I'm supposed to calm myself down again to change back into a "normal" person. I'm also stuck in a hard place - if I try to detach myself from everything that I find myself getting frustrated at, then my analytical mind starts to slowly eat me alive. If I try to stay involved in my usual distractions then I just end up being irritable beyond belief. I'm acting like a combined version of all the people I've looked down on over the past few years, and it makes it really, really hard to deal with myself.
I cannot wait for Matt to be here. If he can stand being here. I need something calming, I need someone comforting, and above all, I need to get the hell out of this house and as far away from my computer as possible. Just for a little bit.
Too good for cashiering, Alan and Jennifer, A stalker (?)
Breaking news - apparently me having completed a lowly Certification in Computer Information Systems isn't good enough for most office jobs in the area, but oh the irony, it is also too good for any cashier/retail positions! Yep, you heard me right - ever hear stories of people who were told they were "too qualified" for a job and thus did not receive it? Those stories be true! And I know first hand now.
I just crashed and burned that the local Truestar hardware store while inquiring about a cashier position. However, I was hopeful at first - 2 very nice ladies helped me up front: they got me set up with an application in hand and pointed me in the direction of the Service Desk to talk to someone named Paul. One lady with red hair, who I didn't catch the name of, even said rather cheerfully to me "Why hello gorgeous, how are you doing today?" That actually upped my motivation by alot, and we had a small funny conversation about how you needed to be a little bit crazy to work there. I responded "Oh, yeah, I can do crazy," with a big smile on my face, laughing a little bit at myself.
I paced around the back of the store waiting patiently. I did notice someone who I thought was probably Paul (as well as the guy on the phone in the back room - he used to be on the volunteer fire and rescue and was the one who "rescued" me when I was 9 after stepping through my mother's underground greenhouse - he had carried me from my house to my parent's car to take me to the hospital) but the store was busy and everyone seemed tied up. Eventually, after waiting a 1/2 hour or so, I decided I would leave and come back at a better time. I made eye contact with the same "hello gorgeous" redhead, and she gave me a look like "well?" All I could say was that he seemed busy, and asked if I could drop off the application up front. She slightly shook her head, and told me to follow her. She said she liked my personality, that I was cheerful (even though I had not spoken to her that much) and that they needed more of that around there. She spoke to Paul for me, let him know I was there, and she showed me to what apparently was the employee break room to wait for when Paul had a free moment. It was like 5-10 minutes till he entered the room. I made sure to stand up, shake his hand, and introduce myself as soon as he came in.
We had a semi decent talk (I have come to accept that I will *always* be a terminally hopeless interview subject, so by that standard, "semi decent" fits my performance) until he started to talk some about my education history. He noted I had completed the CIS Certification, and asked me if I was still looking for a job in that field. He went on to explain that it wouldn't really be in the company's best interest to hire and train someone who would leave shortly after for another job opportunity - though his exact version of it wasn't as rude as that, but it was basically the message he was sending. And, honestly, as much as I didn't like to hear that, I can respect that concern. He also mentioned how it was great that I did cashiering work, but that the methods used at their store were completely different than what was used at Food Lion or Giant, and that there'd be a much bigger learning curve. So, not only did my education hurt me, but my past job experience didn't impress him. And to top if all of, the position they were hiring for is a cashier job with *phone* work.
Sigh. He'd told me he'd pass on my application to the "real" person who hires and that they'd give me a call. But I'm not going to hold my breath for that to happen.
Thinking logically, one might wonder why I would put my certification information on the application. Well... at the time, I thought it would help me more than hurt me - so they could see I devoted time and energy to something and accomplished a goal. I thought it would help beef out the credibility that my employment history lacks. And, also - aren't applications for employment a legal or binding document or something like that? I've always read that while you can pick and choose what information to put on a resume, *not* putting all information on an actual employment form is illegal. Or maybe I've just been reading crazy employment guides? Fuck, maybe that's why no one's hired me - I've been following the suggestions of crack heads all along.
But, anyway.
After waiting 2 weeks to do so, I finally got to talk to Alan the other night. I was really interested to see how the move went, hear about the apartment and how him and Jennifer were doing, etc. While I could probably assume everything went fine - what could really go wrong? - I still wanted to know for sure. Since, surprisingly, I found myself worrying about it... though that might be because I still remember how horribly his move to Radford went. I just wanted to hear that everything was ok and that they were happy so that I could be happy for them.
At first when I was talking to Alan, he seemed like he really didn't want to talk to me. When I told him I had been trying to catch him for a while, he responded with "whatcha want?" A bit taken back, I said oh, I just wanted to see how the move went and everything. He replied simply, "it went well," which was a little more vague than what I was expecting. He then added "I got married." I was *so* surprised by that and so happy for them at the same time I almost couldn't think of what to say. He had told me he and Jennifer were planning on getting married soon, but hell, Alan and I had said that about each other for the 4 years we were together but it never came to be. So, I guess, some part of me didn't think it would happen for them just because of that. When I finally caught myself I said "OMG CONGRADULATIONS" (in caps, just like that, and I believe misspelled it the same way) and I went on to say it was awesome, and asked how it felt (though by that point I was expecting another vague answer and was planning on wrapping up the conversation after that) but the next few IMs I got said something along the lines of how Alan was actually at the computer now, as Jennifer had been the one typing for the first part of the conversation.
I guess it's to be expected that Jennifer wouldn't like me and it'd probably a little naive of myself to think that she might not. I can probably guess Matt would respond the same way to Alan, and I sure as hell know I despised Tabitha 3 years ago. Though, still, it did catch me off guard a bit to get the teensy taste of how much she probably does dislike me from the conversation "we" had, even if she was just filling in for Alan during it. I dunno. In my head I still envision one day of being able to meet her, and even though the "logical" side of me knows that won't ever happen, it's still something I like to think about as a possibility. I've even thought alot about the idea of inviting Alan and Jennifer to Matt and I's wedding. Course, that would only be possible if it happened before they moved out of the country. But, anyway...
At the time, since I did notice the "tone" her responses had had, I thought then would be a good opportunity to apologize for responding to one of her posts in her livejournal. I didn't say anything bad in the responses I made, not at all - but in retrospect I felt as though I should of known better to tread on her intellectual property. Like I didn't have that "right" to invade her private space, even if I was just trying to say something nice. So, I did apologize for it - and at first they had no clue what I was talking about. I went on to explain the where and the why and the how, and it turns out she didn't even know that it was me that had made the response. Then, Alan asked a question that threw me off guard - "Did I tell you she had a livejournal?" I knew *exactly* what that question was getting at, and could just picture them both sitting there and saying "WTF?! Is she stalking Jennifer, how does she know about her livejournal?!" complete with wrinkled up faces in disgust while glaring at the computer screen, waiting for my response. Ugh. So, I did what any normal person with a horrible nervous disorder would do - I frantically tried to think clearly and say of how I came to know of it's existence which inevitably made me look even more "guilty" by just how frantic and freaked out I must of sounded. At the time I *knew* I had had a conversation with Alan about the damn thing (I remembered later that when him and I had talked about it, it turned into a mini conversation about the point of private entries on the internet, etc), I just could not for the life of me remember anything specific that would help jog his memory to it at the time. If he had at least remembered it wouldn't of been so bad, but he apparently didn't. I was a dear in the headlights who in the end got run the fuck over.
While she was nearby and listening I wanted to badly to at least try to make a good impression and make an apology for something I felt I didn't have the right to do (respond to her post). In the end all I accomplished was adding "stalker" and "freak" to my already full resume of "husband's first girlfriend who broke his heart the FUCKING WHORE." Yippie, great work Chrisy.
Sappy depressiveness, Crappy job fair, Spring walks
Time is going by upsetting fast. Even though I've been in the same "state" for the past 3 years (the anniversary of which is sometime in the first week of May) I'm now to the point where each passing day applies just a little more weight on my will. It's become harder for me to be and stay positive about anything, harder for me to think of the next week or even the next day without cringing, and simply out of the question for me to take my thoughts off my regular crutches (axolotls, online games, this website) for more than a few seconds without willingly sacrificing myself to my viciously analytical tendencies.
I hate for this to sound depressive, but I don't know how to help that; depressive is what it is. I'm not sure how to stay chipper when I'm quickly getting to the point where my only option will be to put myself into a position where I'll become as sick as I used to be since I can't seem to get hired by anyone, let alone even find a nearby job opening, for the sort of work that would prevent that from happening. I'm thisclose to throwing in the towel and giving up the notion that I'll ever find a way to stay in control of my body instead of it controlling me. All the ways I've found to try to make that happen have seemingly turned out to be unavailable to me.
If it isn't obvious, the job fair last Monday did not go well. I arrived around 5 or 6PM and filled out the same survey I did 2 years ago (age range, gender, currently employed, desired job type, distance willing to travel, etc) all with little to no discomfort aside from some heavy traffic and running into the branches of a tree in the parking lot. The job fair had the same layout as the previous one so I figured a lap around the place would be worthwhile for picking out which booths I would be snipe-diving later - mainly because that's probably the only way I'd be brave enough to approach a table full of grinning strangers expecting me to sell myself to them.
In the end I only spoke to one person (who was hiring for a call center that took surveys - he said to be at their location on Thursday if I was interested in the position. I did not go) because I quickly realized that even though the paper had listed quite a few companies that I had seen offering office-like jobs in the paper, and even in some cases their actual booths had eye catching phrases like "data entry" and "file clerk", when I walked up to the table and read the information of what the job descriptions were... 60% of them was for outside / construction work. Another 20% was for a combination of local law enforcement and military. 10-15% was composed of jobs that required higher education than I currently have (ex: networking software engineer) and the other 5-10% was regular retail / grocery store work. I walked around for 45 minutes, spoke to the telemarketing guy (who insisted the work they did wasn't telemarketing), grabbed one business card that I never called back, and left. I had a headache for the rest of the evening but did my best to not let any of that get to me. I supposed the good thing is I got a few semi decent pictures out of it, but sadly, I'll probably be too lazy to update my photolog anytime in the near future.
Today I went on a walk with my mother at the local clubhouse. I brought my camera with me and over the course of the 40 minutes we were there I took roughly 24 pictures and actually worked up a bit of a sweat. The walk overall was fine - while it started off morbidly (shortly after leaving the car I caught sight of an injured lizard on the ground. I was so fascinated with just seeing it laying there that I didn't have time to alert my mother to it's whereabouts until after she had stepped *completely* on top of it and walked a few steps past. After being stepped on the lizard sort of shook a bit and then laid still. I went and plucked a leaf and held it around my hand as I moved the lizard off the walkway and put him near some bushes. When I came back to check on him after the end of the walk there were ants crawling on top of him - he was clearly dead) it was nice to see some of the spring foliage and just in general enjoy some of the beautiful weather we've been having this past week.
Since my mother listens to special music tapes when she walks (with the purpose of keeping her footsteps to the beat of the music - helps her keep a steady pace) whenever I stopped to take a picture I would have to sprint a bit to catch back up to her as she didn't want to interrupt her "aerobic flow" while I was busy "capturing the magic." Since I had worn flip flops during the walk I now have the beginnings of blisters on my poor gimpy right foot. When we got home I started to complain about it a little. We had this conversation which I thought was hilarious:
-
"I think I'm getting blisters on my feet," *insert gesture of showing the bottom of my right foot to my mother*
"I'm not going to stop while you're taking pictures. I told you to wear better shoes."
"Well I didn't know I'd be sprinting after you otherwise I would of. Why couldn't you of run in place while I was stopped?"
"I don't want to do that."
"Why, you do it all the time here in the mornings."
"Well, that's different. No one can see me then."
"Who would of seen you today? You killed the only witness."