April 15th, 2010
1 Red Pill To Go
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choices. I mean, that’s the question everyone asks themselves as they get older, right? What if I had done things differently? Taken that left instead of a right? Swallowed the Red Pill instead of the Blue Pill? What if I really would have liked what was was behind Door Number 1?
No matter what anyone says, they think about the “what if’s.” They mull over the possibilities of what their life could have been like. And anyone who says they don’t do it are, quite frankly, not telling the truth, although I can’t really blame them for it. Socially it’s a bit taboo to talk about such things, and the people of your present tend to have a nasty habit of taking personal offense to the mere thought of a past that MIGHT mean they wouldn’t be a part of your life today.
And what do I say to those people? You’re right. That’s totally why I like to think of where my life went wrong – to specifically factor you out of the equation. That’s why I’m confiding all of this in you, to make you feel bad. Not because you’re one of the few people in my life I trust enough to pour my heart out to, no. Not that because nothing will change no matter what I say, that my past will always be my past, and you’ll still be here and I’m glad that you are. Of course that’s not it. I’m here to insult you and ruin one of the few good things I have going in my life. Thanks for listening.
Now, I haven’t had the pleasure of enduring that conversation with anyone recently, but I have in the past, and it ironically falls into the category of “things I wish I had done differently.” It was definitely one of those “Wait, I take that back, I meant Door Number 1!” moments.
So what does all of this mean? It means I have no one to talk to right now. I’m sitting at my desk at work, struggling not to cry after being the target of insult after insult from someone I care deeply about, after being provided with a laundry list of reasons of why said person “doesn’t want to spend time with me,” and I’m left wondering where I went wrong. I mean, sure, I can openly admit that I’m a little more fucked up than the next person, but this? Feeling this way, again and again? Was it because of the left turn I made? Was Door Number 3 the wrong choice? Did I accidently piss in fate’s Cornflakes? Was I a hideously awful person in my past life? Or, worse yet, in THIS life?
I mean, seriously, not to be completely and totally depressing, but this whole life thing? Sometimes I don’t know why I bother. Judging by my track record, I’m obviously not cut out for this.
1 Red Pill to go, please.