Hooplah.Org

Ten years ago today a 16 year old girl stood near a terminal gate in Regan National Airport in Washington, DC. The weather was cloudy, cold, and rainy – typical Virginia holiday weather – and she peered out through the layers of gray to watch the planes as they landed, trying to guess which one might be carrying the passenger she was waiting for. Her father paced restlessly behind her, in his typical and aggravating fashion, sometimes stopping to stand behind her and join in the watch of the runway traffic.

Today was the end of a 7 month long wait, but in the eyes of this teenager it had felt like all of her life had been spent building to this moment. Over dramatic and always right, this was when her life would finally start to make sense. The mountain of expectation of this moment had never seem to fully settle in to reality until the arrival announcement was made and the terminal door was propped open. He would soon be walking through that door.

Ten years ago today a 16 year old girl sat in the back set of her parents car as they drove through the parking garage of Regan National Airport. She was quiet and awkward, realizing for the first time that she had never really thought about what would happen after their initial meeting, having for so long assumed that it wouldn’t go well, that she would be unwanted… until the 16 year old boy sitting across from her reached for and took her hand in his. She looked at him and smiled, genuinely surprised by the gesture, but kept her hand loosely gripped to his for the rest of the hour trip home.

Ten years ago today a girl was caught by surprise, mid sentence, by a kiss from a 16 year old boy. Standing in her bedroom under the bright light of the fan, her first time physically alone with him, the thought had not even crossed her mind as she babbled mindlessly about the decorations in her room. She looked up at him with wide eyes, barley having time to acknowledge the moment of her first kiss, while he stared back at her unapologetically. His reasoning was only a blunt confession: “I had been wanting to do that all day.”

Ten years ago today a very childish girl made a very adult choice no more than 10 hours after first holding hands with a 16 year old boy, no more than 7 hours after her first kiss. Over confident and always right, she felt there was no point in waiting for a better opportunity than the present. This was where her future was finally starting to begin, and anxious for it to finally start, she vowed would be as close to him as she could possibly be from that moment on. A willing participant in the end of their innocence, she couldn’t wait to see how much better tomorrow would be.

I acknowledge the anniversary of this day every year, but there was a very long period of my life where I struggled with the ramifications of the decisions I made that day. The person I was at 16 is a stranger to me, with the distance strengthened over time by my resentment for my carelessness and youthful ignorance. Life is riddled with crossroads – it is usually only after we have chosen our path that the options we once had before us start to be come clear, helping illuminate the unknowing mistakes in our judgment. Ten years ago today I committed my first distinguishable regret. I don’t think I will ever reach a place where I can forgive the version of myself who never had a second thought of what that decision could lead to, whether it be because she couldn’t have known any better or because I’m just not the forgiving type. But, now that I have finally reached a state of peace in my mental health, can I take a moment and acknowledge this dark anniversary in my foolish past. It’s part of who I am and what lead me to here, and although I am never one to shy away from entertaining the ideas of where I could be if I had done things differently, for the first time in a long time… I don’t see the point in it.

While waiting at stoplights I keep catching myself gazing in vapid disbelief at the current price of gas. I had thought that I would never see gas be cheaper than $2 a gallon again, and I think the fact that it has continued to fall well into the current $1.80 range is messing with my perception of reality in a really ridiculous way. I pass three or more gas stations during my five minute drive to work and each time that the price catches my attention I have the same moment of “WTF?”, in the “what year is it again?” sort of way, accompanied a fleeting desire to pull over right then and fill up my tank because tomorrow it just might be $3.50 a gallon again. Because that could totally happen. Totally.

For as bad as my memory is, I still have very vivid memories of the time I finally started to pay attention to the price of gas. While I drove my family’s 93 Chevy S10 during my senior year of high school, my father was the one who took care of the general maintenance of the vehicle – including keeping the tank full at all times. It wasn’t until I was away at Radford University and my two close friends, Michelle and Dave, both had vehicles to maintain and budget for with their own money that it became something that I actually had a conversation about it with another person. My first year of college was also the same year that 9/11 happened, which is exactly why I finally started to take note of the price – as after the towers were hit the amount per gallon started to legitimately climb for the first time in almost 20 years.

I specifically remember a time when Dave and I were about to take a somewhat usual trip to Blackburg, in order to pick up Nadia from Virginia Tech for the weekend, and hearing Dave grumble and bitch about how the price had shot up to $1.68 and the following 20 minute conversation about how fucked up that was. In a lot of ways, my recent reality check over something as simple as the price of gas is tied directly to that memory. It has more to do with that time of my life than it does with something as relatively insignificant as how much it costs me to put gas in my car, and it’s making my thoughts dwell on a lot of things that usually stay blissfully forgotten.

I could do without seeing the price drop to $1.68.