My name is Chrisy and I'm a 25 year old born-and-raised Virginian surviving in Phoenix, Arizona since August 2006. I have been a self proclaimed nerd for the past decade, wasting away the majority of my youth in front of a computer. If I'm not playing World of Warcraft then I'm watching movies, playing the Wii, or obsessing over my 2 cats. I am currently employed as a Data Entry Specialist for a payment service company with the goal one day becoming a Database Administrator.

I have been leaving footprints on the internet since the winter of 1997. In it's early stages, during my late teens, my relationship with this website was an unhealthy obsession that I couldn't live without. As an adult it has been an agonizing struggle not to neglect this patch of the world wide web. This site generates so little traffic that it has become something I do for my own entertainment, so the fact that someone is actually reading this would be surprising.

So, lets try this again, shall we?

I’ve made many attempts of trying to write over the past month… I just never seemed to “finish” what I was writing to a point where I thought it was ok to post it. But that’s just more of me encouraging the problem I was struggling with before; the very same one that provoked me to make the New Year’s Resolution that I did. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m really out of practice when it comes to writing and for months now I’ve been trying to compensate for it by overanalyzing each sentence, word, and even sometimes syllable until I give up in frustration with little or nothing to show for it. I seem to have become convinced that I can out-think my literary rustiness no matter how many times I prove to myself that that approach isn’t working for me. I need to just write, get it over with, let my hands muddy - who really cares, other than me, if it’s not absolutely perfect?

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. It’s 6AM on a Sunday - Super Bowl Sunday, as a matter of fact, in a year when the Super Bowl will actually be in the town I live in (insert faux excitement here) - and although I feel so tired and want nothing more than to lay back down, I just got done spending the last 2 hours laying in bed trying to sleep and ultimately failing. In fact, the longer I laid there the more a headache started to take root over my right eye, and the more it started to throb the more I could do nothing but focus on how fucking tired I am of getting headaches around that eye. I figured if I was going down that route I might as well and get up so I can devote my full attention to being bitter over things I can’t control.

Things will be changing soon. We will likely be moving in the upcoming months, if everything works out. We went looking at houses yesterday and finally found one he liked enough to be interested in buying, so we’re currently waiting to see what the final asking price will be in order to calculate the monthly damage. And although the neighborhood is sort of shit, it is a NICE house. I’ve changed my address 3 times in the past 3 years and it’s a little exhausting to think of doing it again, but this time it’s with him. There’s something about the idea of going through that with him that calms my usual surplus of nervousness over change.

… And that seems to be the on-going story behind how the past 5 months have been. He brings something out of me that no one else, in all of my short and treacherous life, has been able to before. I feel as though I’m a completely different person than I was a year ago, and there are times when that is relentlessly refreshing and others that the very idea of what I’m willingly getting myself into is terrifying. Despite the fact that I somehow managed to live through not only a 4 year but 5 year relationship too, both ending with the moral of the story being that I wasn’t good enough, I’m finding that I am finally opening up to someone to the point where there is no turning back. I am completely at his mercy, hopelessly in his hands… and my worst fear is that is not exactly what he wants from me. I don’t think he realizes the effect he has had on me… the way he makes me feel when he just looks at me. I tried to tell him how I felt - “you make me feel alive again” - and even if he was able to get past the utter cheesiness of it, I wonder if he really understands just what that statement means coming from me. It was only recently that even I understood what it meant. If my history continues to repeat itself… I know that all of this means that one day, once it reaches that point where I'm not as appealing to him as I used to be, I'll be done for. And the part of it that I don’t get… is that I still couldn’t be happier living in each and every moment I have with him for as long as I can.

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