Virginia Tech
This is something I wrote on April 23rd. It's what sparked my interest in journaling again, because for the first time in years I looked to writing (granted, as a last resort) as a way to deal with my feelings about what happened on April 16th at Virginia Tech. For a solid week I could barley function outside of refreshing CNN and getting lost in my own thoughts - I was at a loss of what to do because no matter how much I talked and read about it it would still haunt me all day long. Writing was the only thing that finally freed my mind and allowed me to have some closure, if there ever really can be.
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My mind has been whirling for the past couple of weeks and it feels as though the force of is only getting stronger each day. It started with my poor performance at work, it continued with the troubles between Matt and I, and its now at it's peak over what happened at Virginia Tech.
As a testament to how I seem to have grown past doing this, my initial urge (that I struggle with even to write this sentence) is to keep my thoughts and feelings of what happened at Virginia Tech to myself. I did not go to school there - I went to Radford University, some 15-20 miles down the road. During my 1 year spent at RU, I visited VT a handful of times, usually staring out at it from the backseat of Dave's car when he was picking up or dropping off Nadia. Two or three times I actually walked on the grounds and spent some time in Nadia's dorm room. I remember disliking Virginia Tech - the idea of a school that big intimidated me, I didn't like the look of the pseudo New England buildings, and I believe I did feel jealous of those who attend school there or maybe that was just shame of attending Radford University. I only knew two people who went to school at VT - Vince being one of them. I remember the moment he told me he had been accepted to Virginia Tech - I believe it was 1999, he had just picked me up from my house and while we were driving in the dark he broke the silence with saying he had been accepted. There was also Nadia, who I met through my friend Dave since they were dating at the time (2001-2002). I spent a lot of time with her at the beginning of the year, since she had a little trouble getting used to VT and meeting people. I enjoyed her company - one of my clearest memories I still have of her was watching that year's Miss USA contest in my dorm's common room. Of the those two people I knew who went to Virginia Tech, I no longer have contact with either of them. Parts of me wish I could talk to Nadia and Vince right now, but at the same time, I know I'd have nothing to say - I'd be asking them to repeat the same thing they've probably repeated thousands of times by now, and I doubt what I had to say would be of any interest to them.
I don't know where my views fit in on what happened 4/16 other than being yet another voice in the resounding sympathy and shock that everyone, even those who have never even heard of Virginia Tech before Monday, are expressing. I'm one in the crowd of millions, and the only claim I have to justify how I feel is that 5 years ago I was within a couple of yards of the buildings that the shootings occurred in. Parts of me are angry at myself for my self importance - other than a handful of visits, VT never meant that much to me. How can I act as though it does all of a sudden? I know that what I'm going through right now is not even remotely close or relevant to what those who spent justifiable time at VT must be feeling, and the fact that I'm going through anything at all makes me feel as though I'm stealing grief that doesn't belong to me.
My memories of Radford University are a sensitive subject for me - I usually avoid thinking about it if I can, because it just makes me sad - and even though I spent little to no time actually involved with VT, it is still a place I associate with my college years. It was apart of the area, apart of the experience - just like the Blue Ridge Mountains were. Even before 4/16 I could never think of RU without also remembering something about VT. Back when I didn't realize I wouldn't be returning for the 2002-2003 school year, I had planned to go to Virginia Tech after I finished 2 years at Radford. If I had gone down that route, I likely would of still been in the Blacksburg area, maybe even still attending VT, when the shootings took place.
I know what it feels like to have lived in the exact same town and experience the exact same sort of disruption that so many people experienced on 4/16. Roanoke VA is the site of my 9/11, as I was attending Radford University when the twin towers were hit. I still to this day clearly remember walking across the grounds of RU and hearing CNN echo across the grass through all of the dorm room's open windows and doors witnessing everyone around me trying to find a way to deal with the same tragedy in an atmosphere where it should never be. I guess that's the best way to put how I feel about VT - I'm relieving my 9/11 all over again.
I was standing in Qdoba, my favorite place to eat here in AZ, when I looked up at the TV and noticed a news bulletin that had the words "Virginia Tech" and "shooting." There was a feeling of surprise, but not much else - the same lack-luster response I had when I first saw smoke billowing out of the first tower of the World Trade Center, before the second one was hit. I made a few comments of shock to Sheila, my coworker who had come with me to Qdobas, and we went back to the office without another word about it. With the recent shootings at the CNN office building in Atlanta, I assumed it was something "minor" - a typical foolish shooting about some personal drama that just happened to take place on the college campus. It wasn't until after I had gotten back to the office, eaten my lunch, and started working again when I remembered "oh - I should check CNN to see what that was about."
For a week after that I don't think I spent more than 15 minutes without refreshing CNN.com.
Now whenever I start to remember RU and VT, I'll have something else that makes me sad that I can't help but think of.