Thoughts of My Job and Phoenix
So. I'm at work and it's 2PM. I've run out of things to do, and when looking around the room there doesn't seem to be anything that needs to be done (that I know how to do, at least) that I could do instead of typing this. My Boss is currently at a meeting and isn't scheduled to be back until around 3ish. I thought I had quite a bit of work to do while she was gone but it all seems to be the type of work I'm able to zoom through.
That's something I've noticed while here – currently there is a very big divide between what I'm "good" at and what I'm "bad" at. When it comes to typing stuff up, or doing anything in Microsoft Excel or Word (with the only exception being when I need to "design" something in either of those two programs, which is when my anal-ness for detail kicks in and slows up my overall productivity) I can usually breeze through it extremely quick after I've gotten down my rhythm for the task. Then there are other things, such as filing or just in general searching over large documents that for some reason… I can't do quite that well. I would guess it's because I've never had to work so closely with folders and files before as I am now, but it's still frustrating to me when I feel like I'm not doing as well as I imagined I would. I'm sure it'll just take time to get the hang of it, and (hopefully) it'll also just take time for me to relearn the ability to see things that are right in front of my face instead of interrupting My Boss with tons of pointless questions. She's always so great and nice about answering them but I just want to kick myself every time the answers I need are 3 inches from my face.
I certainly hope my nervousness and shyness while at work passes soon. It's still in full force, and while it's slowly getting better and better, part of me still panics a little bit every time someone speaks to me. Normally it does take me a while to get comfortable with new people and places, but most of those around me aren't going to wait a month for me to calm down to form an opinion of who I am and whether they'd like to be friendly with me. While I was at work today, I had the heart wrenching thought that my relationship with My Boss could maybe eventually mirror the way Jenn and I ended up splitting apart like oil and water in 2001. With Jenn and I, I never meant for that to happen, and I certainly never wanted it... but I can probably pinpoint a large portion of the blame on my inability to just get over my anxiety and act myself. By the time I had she had already long sense decided who I was and what I was about by how I had acted for the previous 2 months (as any normal person would, really).
All the times I find myself literally *STARING* at My Boss when she speaks to me, in my effort to overcome my "handicap" when nervous (I tend to have a much harder time understanding and comprehending what someone is saying to me when I'm nervous. Why, I don't know - nearly everything is in one ear and out the other - but somewhere along the way I realized if I focus intently on whoever is speaking I can overcome it [for the most part]. Sadly "focusing intently" comes with the side effect of coming off as a crazy creepy staring person as I bore a hole into their forehead with my eyes while they talk) I'm always left feeling like such a freak - like I just want to crawl under my desk and hide after words. So, yes, I certainly hope all of that passes soon - I may not have much longer to waste with it before I dig myself into a social hole.
Speaking of My Job, I do have to say that I absolutely love it so far. I've learned most of the people's names (which is a huge accomplishment for me), I got my e-mail set up the other day and my first e-mail was a funny joke e-mail from a coworker downstairs (which for some reason was a relief for me… I have no idea why, but it was), I had my first office meeting last Wednesday (where everyone ordered food the previous day for it from a local restaurant [I had a BLT, it wasn't that great but I ate as much as I could]. The meeting itself wasn't anything too technical or complex – overall it was great for me to go to because I got to hear and learn a lot more about the company and hear more about what everyone there does), and I just flat out enjoy just about every task I've had to do here (with the slight exception to filing, but I started to get into it near the end of it yesterday). There's only been one day so far where I left the office feeling as though I could of done better – and that was last Thursday, my second time handling the misc folders My Job keeps for the other companies they're associated with. I was going about as fast as I could go (all while still trying to get used to minor things, like how to balance the files in my lap or what's the best order and sequence I should do most tasks so that they take the least amount of redundant movement, etc) but at the end of the day I got the impression that My Boss felt I should of gotten farther along than I did. Looking back at it now I probably would have responded the same way as she did – on both Monday and Tuesday I was able to finish up the work nearly 2x as fast as I did it on Thursday. I guess I must of spent a lot more time "learning" and "getting a hang of it" on the 14th than I realized.
I was able to get time off approved to visit Matt in Phoenix at the end of August. I was totally floored and thrilled that My Boss approved the time off, and I had every intention of thanking her in person (as I had asked her over e-mail about the time off, since I didn't want to put her on the spot in person and I figured her having the dates "written down" would be a lot more handy if she needed to take a while to get back to me about it) but every time I went to say it I couldn't figure out a way to so that I wouldn't apologize right after spitting out the words "thank you." I have no idea why I had the urge to apologize… I already had told her "sorry for any inconvenience this may cause" in the e-mail, but I did genuinely feel bad that I was asking for so many days off work (a full week's worth, 4 days) during a time that I had known since my interview would be busy around the office. The whole reason why I did not want to apologize was because I had already been doing it so much already for misc things (like for asking too many questions, losing/forgetting something right in front of my face [or even if it was something I never would of known where to find it], needing more help than I thought I should be asking for, etc) and I didn't want to do it to the point where it got annoying or it took away from the fact that I really am sorry and am not just saying the words. I usually apologize a lot, almost too much, simply because I'd rather be seen as an "I'm sorry" person than an "I did something wrong or annoying but I'm totally not going to acknowledge it and take responsibility for it" person. Well… for most situations I'd prefer to be seen like that – if I get to a point where I've become stubborn, I'd take the asshole route any day. Until I've calmed down and apologized 2x as much, that is. Then being an asshole would be the asshole thing to do.
But, anyway, I'm getting off topic.
So, for the reasons explained above, I have yet to actually thank her for allowing the time off. It's been almost 2 weeks since I asked and she approved it; it's almost to the point where I'll have no choice but to apologize for simply waiting so freaking long to follow up like I should of the next day to begin with… which is just frustraiton on top of frustration =/ There's a breakfast thing coming up on the 26th, at 7:30ish AM, where My Job will be launching a few new things, and maybe on Monday when My Boss and I go over to setup for it I'll spring the "Thank you" on her. And I guess I'll have to go over everything I just wrote here to her, because I do want her to know just how much I appreciate it and that I didn't mean to wait so long to thank her... I just couldn't get the delivery I wanted. Luckily this will be the only time of the year where I'll feel (or be) this much of an inconvenience when it comes to taking time off. Matt and I are already prepared for the concept that I'll need to work a few days while he's here in November, March, and June.
I'm looking forward to visiting Matt in Phoenix, as always. This year we'll actually be able to sleep in the same room – though not because his parents suddenly became ok with the concept of us possibly having sex in their house, but because Matt's old bedroom was turned into an exercise room (which I'm still absolutely shocked over. Matt swears he told me about the room being changed but I simply have no recollection of that. I guess to me it just represents the one place we spent the most time in during my first trip there in August 2002 as just suddenly poofing into thin air. I would of taken more pictures of his room, better, clearer pictures, had I known it was going to happen). So, all that's left for him and I to sleep in is the guest bedroom (where Matt is currently staying now, and what had been dubed as "Chrisy's Room" for the past 3 years whenever I stayed there) and I'd guess we'll be sleeping in the same bed (gasp). That is, unless his parents go out of their way to purchase an air mattress, though I'm not sure where it would fit with all the other furniture a + my luggage + his computer stuffs in the room.
While in Phoenix we're going to try to meet up with 2 of the people we play WoW with. We've known them both for roughly 4-6 months now, though I've only seen a picture of one of them (but I've spoken to the other quite a bit on TS during raids in WoW). Matt didn't seem that keen on the idea – he hasn't really seemed to be up to meeting new people for a while now – but I'm looking forward to it a lot. Lets just hope I'll actually be calm enough to talk and have fun and not just sit there staring at them bugeyed and making incoherent squeaking noises in response to any questions they ask me.
Only 2 more days until we get a new carpet as well. I'm looking forward to it, can't wait to see the finished product, but I still need to back up a lot of crap in my room =/ Hopefully I'll still have time to finish that and open a new bank account on Friday while they're putting in the carpet.