Sappy depressiveness, Crappy job fair, Spring walks
Time is going by upsetting fast. Even though I've been in the same "state" for the past 3 years (the anniversary of which is sometime in the first week of May) I'm now to the point where each passing day applies just a little more weight on my will. It's become harder for me to be and stay positive about anything, harder for me to think of the next week or even the next day without cringing, and simply out of the question for me to take my thoughts off my regular crutches (axolotls, online games, this website) for more than a few seconds without willingly sacrificing myself to my viciously analytical tendencies.
I hate for this to sound depressive, but I don't know how to help that; depressive is what it is. I'm not sure how to stay chipper when I'm quickly getting to the point where my only option will be to put myself into a position where I'll become as sick as I used to be since I can't seem to get hired by anyone, let alone even find a nearby job opening, for the sort of work that would prevent that from happening. I'm thisclose to throwing in the towel and giving up the notion that I'll ever find a way to stay in control of my body instead of it controlling me. All the ways I've found to try to make that happen have seemingly turned out to be unavailable to me.
If it isn't obvious, the job fair last Monday did not go well. I arrived around 5 or 6PM and filled out the same survey I did 2 years ago (age range, gender, currently employed, desired job type, distance willing to travel, etc) all with little to no discomfort aside from some heavy traffic and running into the branches of a tree in the parking lot. The job fair had the same layout as the previous one so I figured a lap around the place would be worthwhile for picking out which booths I would be snipe-diving later - mainly because that's probably the only way I'd be brave enough to approach a table full of grinning strangers expecting me to sell myself to them.
In the end I only spoke to one person (who was hiring for a call center that took surveys - he said to be at their location on Thursday if I was interested in the position. I did not go) because I quickly realized that even though the paper had listed quite a few companies that I had seen offering office-like jobs in the paper, and even in some cases their actual booths had eye catching phrases like "data entry" and "file clerk", when I walked up to the table and read the information of what the job descriptions were... 60% of them was for outside / construction work. Another 20% was for a combination of local law enforcement and military. 10-15% was composed of jobs that required higher education than I currently have (ex: networking software engineer) and the other 5-10% was regular retail / grocery store work. I walked around for 45 minutes, spoke to the telemarketing guy (who insisted the work they did wasn't telemarketing), grabbed one business card that I never called back, and left. I had a headache for the rest of the evening but did my best to not let any of that get to me. I supposed the good thing is I got a few semi decent pictures out of it, but sadly, I'll probably be too lazy to update my photolog anytime in the near future.
Today I went on a walk with my mother at the local clubhouse. I brought my camera with me and over the course of the 40 minutes we were there I took roughly 24 pictures and actually worked up a bit of a sweat. The walk overall was fine - while it started off morbidly (shortly after leaving the car I caught sight of an injured lizard on the ground. I was so fascinated with just seeing it laying there that I didn't have time to alert my mother to it's whereabouts until after she had stepped *completely* on top of it and walked a few steps past. After being stepped on the lizard sort of shook a bit and then laid still. I went and plucked a leaf and held it around my hand as I moved the lizard off the walkway and put him near some bushes. When I came back to check on him after the end of the walk there were ants crawling on top of him - he was clearly dead) it was nice to see some of the spring foliage and just in general enjoy some of the beautiful weather we've been having this past week.
Since my mother listens to special music tapes when she walks (with the purpose of keeping her footsteps to the beat of the music - helps her keep a steady pace) whenever I stopped to take a picture I would have to sprint a bit to catch back up to her as she didn't want to interrupt her "aerobic flow" while I was busy "capturing the magic." Since I had worn flip flops during the walk I now have the beginnings of blisters on my poor gimpy right foot. When we got home I started to complain about it a little. We had this conversation which I thought was hilarious:
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"I think I'm getting blisters on my feet," *insert gesture of showing the bottom of my right foot to my mother*
"I'm not going to stop while you're taking pictures. I told you to wear better shoes."
"Well I didn't know I'd be sprinting after you otherwise I would of. Why couldn't you of run in place while I was stopped?"
"I don't want to do that."
"Why, you do it all the time here in the mornings."
"Well, that's different. No one can see me then."
"Who would of seen you today? You killed the only witness."