Hooplah.Org

Due to no inspiration and motivation other than the desire to replace my old “winter-like” layout, I reuploaded the design I had during the summer of 04. I needed something more bouncy and springy and this layout is probably as close to that as I’ll get for now. Though of course, knowing myself, I won’t be able to stand using this layout for long and will force myself to create something new… which, sadly, will probably be ugly and look just as forced as it was but I won’t be able to stop myself from uploading it due to… whatever disorder it was that I just described perfectly. I apologize in advance for that.

I have almost been annoying myself (well actually, polite bullshit aside, I know it’s not “almost” – I have been annoying myself) with just how little self restraint I’ve had for the past month for opening my mouth and just unleashing every little aspect of my opinion (most of which are common sense or they were not necessary to say) on any given subject. This has mostly been happening when I talk to my guild, and I’m not sure exactly why. I know what I think when I see other people presenting themselves in this way – hell, I criticized Elah the most for doing it months ago – and it’s that I’m probably trying to compensate for feeling that others do not take me seriously or that I think that they think I do not know as much as they do. While I do care whether or not people see me as an idiot or whether they are confident in what I can do, I’ve always felt that way. I’m not sure what’s so unique to now that’s causing me to ultimately not shut the fuck up when I need to, but it’s frustrating me to the point of being sick with how I’m constantly beating myself up after the fact for not just “letting it go.” It’d be a tiny bit better if I had the least bit of tact when I really get going, but sadly, I don’t. I’m hurtfully blunt. I guess it bothers me the most is that this is more of a quality of the “old me” – the copy of myself that still makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I’m back to making the mistakes instead of applying the lessons I lost so much to learn.

I really need to get some therapy. It’d be so much easier to pay someone to think of these things and worry with figuring myself out for me.

In other news… since my temp job ended, and Matt spent a week here where we did nothing really but stay indoors and go on raids in WoW, I’ve been doing… nothing. I went to the unemployment office on the 18th at the insistence of my father, but since they do not take a chunk of my salary like an employment agency might all I did that Friday was essentially register for a monster.com wanna-be. After filling out the paper work for a 1/2 hour and waiting another 1/2 hour to finally sit down with someone to “help” me, the first job she wanted to talk about had to do with customer service / handling money. What was the point of the 1/2 hour worth of paperwork if she was only going to read that I had done that type of work in the past but then not acknowledge that I also clearly checked the “no” box when asked if I desired to do that sort of work again? It was at that point I told her I’d feel more comfortable looking up the jobs myself on their site. Before leaving I asked her how I’d be notified for any new jobs that did fit my requirments, and said I would be notified of them on the site. I thanked her and left. I later found out that there is no way to “log in” to their job listing site, so the only way I would be notified for jobs I would be interested in was if I found them my damn self. Oh so very helpful.

I applied for a data entry job at a “pro choice” organization which, for a lack of a better word, would be interesting for me to experience. That was already a week ago, though. Since their add has stopped showing up in the local paper my hopes of getting a call back have basically disappeared. But oh well, I tried. I just wish that most other data entry jobs, no matter what the company is for or does, was not always 50+ miles away from where I live. My little ghetto truck would not be able to make that commute twice a day 5 days a week.

And… that’s it. I’m paying some much needed attention to my axolotls, recently ordering them some fancy food from the Indiana University Axolotl Colony to help make taking care of them alot easier. I just wish I could get a fucking job so I could actually have the money to buy them a better filter and something to clean the water with.