Relationship ghosts on Halloween
Now that that the the Valium-like drug I took for laser surgery on Monday has finally left my system and I have had my helping of Suddenly Salad for the day, I'm finally feeling willing to do some recapping. I really should do more of this... I think the only way I was able to convince myself to do it now was because I only have a 48 period to write about. It's the 9+ day trips with Matt that I can't seem to get myself motivated to type all out, and then I either never think of it or don't like wasting time writing while I'm with him... so blah. Maybe if I wasn't so needlessly long winded this journal would always have updates... but it's hard to squeeze egotistical babble in my daily schedule of selfish desires. Busy, busy girl.
To recap in order it would mean I would have to start with Sunday. Halloween, the 31st. Thinking about it now, and although it's not the exact date, it was just a few days past Alan and I's "third" anniversary (as we had gotten back together for the last time on October 23, 2001, the day he told me he was moving to Radford). Sunday was such an oddly surreal day, that left me with alot of different emotions... some conflicting, some bittersweet. It's was all so eerily ironic, considering that I had made a mental note on Saturday that I would spend Sunday seriously doing "nothing"... in the hopes of doing "something." That was my literal thought, quotations and all. For one day I wouldn't log into any of my games, I wouldn't even attempt to play Sims 2, and I would put off my leftover assignments until next week. I had wanted to go outside and just spend one day not playing the same role I have been for so long; maybe do some more of that analytical thinking that I still secretly like so much. Yet I had no idea he would be nearby... I had no idea he would even consider calling me. The coincidence is probably not as big as I make it out to be... but compared to the monotony that my life has become... it was very nice to be surprised again.
After I called Alan back, he said he was about an hour away from Fredericksburg. He suggested eating at Red Lobster, and though I tried to offer some place cheaper (I have the staggering wealth of $4 in my wallet) he told me not worry about the cost (as neither of us would really be paying for it). I had a slight conflict of what I should wear before I got in the shower... something Alan had said on the phone made me think he would probably dressed in a somewhat formal way, and I debated on whether or not I should try to look my "best" as well (as much as I can anyway, being 15 pounds heavier and with my gimpy right eye still annoyingly red). Matt was not online for me to ask or even tell him that I was going... and somehow that made me feel awkward about wearing something formal. I ended up settling with my favorite jeans and my "I'm blogging this" t-shirt (as I thought that would be ironically funny, considering how big of a part this journal had in fucking up our relationship between 1999 and 2000. I didn't mean for it to send a bad message though, I really meant it to be funny). I had a hell of a time with my hair, did my makeup as best (yet as casually) as I could, grabbed my cruddy digital camera (just encase), and left the house sometime around 2:30 or 3.
I can't remember the last time I was so nervous. I thought my heart beats would literally knock me over while I was walking from the house to the truck. Though the surprise element of all if it was refreshing, it didn't seem to change the fact that surprises still scare the hell out of me at the same time.
I did alright for the rest of the ride there... until pulling into the parking lot. As I searched for a parking spot, I looked around at all the cars, wondering if maybe he would be sitting in his car while he waited... until I realized he no longer owned the vehicle I remembered. When I put the truck into park, I instinctively looked up toward the entrance... and there he was. Grey stripped shirt with a black suite coat over it, jeans, and (as always) black boots. New black rimmed glasses as well (I remember he had been *so* pissed when he accidently lost his old pair in 2002). I got out of the truck and awkwardly made my way up to the doors. On the way I started to panic, thinking of what I would do when I got close to him... whether to just say hi, shake his hand, or hug him. We ended up settling with the "safe" verbal hello, followed right after by a comment about my shirt, and I followed him inside. He already knew how long it would take to get seated, so we sat on a bench in the waiting room. I asked him some more details about his trip to DC, and I apologized for how creepy my right eye probably looked. I told him I was nervous, and he said he wasn't... but going by his body language he did seem somewhat uneasy at first. I remembered thinking that though he looked very similar to how I remembered him, he did look better somehow... maybe he just looked healthier.
The time in the restaurant was ok. We were seated in the back (the "non smoking" area always seems to change everytime I go in there). I sat facing toward the entrance, Alan facing toward the back. A rather pushy man (though he wasn't to us... seemed to only be toward other Red Lobster employees) was our waiter for the evening. Alan ordered a very large strawberry daiquiri (I think?) while we waited for our food (which took forever. Me: popcorn shrimp, Him: fried catfish). We talked about a variety of topics... his work, him meeting John Kerry, the election in general, his plans after the army, the things in our live that had changed... and, of course, our relationships in general, both with other people and in retrospect of our own.
I only knew of one relationship Alan had had, and I was surprised when the person he mentioned as the girl who joined him in Orlando recently wasn't the name I was expecting. He told me alot of great things about her though, and even said she reminded him some of me (though, as I said, I hoped it was all good qualities... if there were any "good" qualities about me to speak of) He went on to explain it was moreso how we're both very people shy and what not. I was honestly happy for him to hear that he was in a very healthy relationship, and I was even a bit surprised to be having that feeling as strongly as I was. I was also shocked that Alan knew how long Matt and I had been together, and thought it was sweet at the same time. It was shortly after that that I told Alan about Andre for the first time, and placed him within a general period of time inbetween him and Matt for my relationship history... I told Alan how Andre hurt me, and left it at that. It wasn't important to say anything more.
In general, the more we spoke the more it sunk in that I was sitting in a booth with a familiar stranger. I don't know what it was exactly that I was expecting, but I was surprised (yet again for that afternoon) that he wasn't whatever that was. Maybe I expected him to be angry at me, or maybe I expected him to have a "moment" like he used to. So many of his gestures and facial expressions remained the same, but his general views and outlook were something I never would have expected. Somehow it made me happier for him... and in some ways, happier for myself as well. But I guess that was always the fate that our relationship came to again and again... we had the task to move away and grow apart. And it seems we finally have.
There was only one thing that was talked about that left me somewhat speachless... and that was the details of our breakup in general, specifically how he had handled it afterwords. He had told me on AIM the general gist of what had happened... but seeing the words come from him tripped me up in a way I can't really describe. He would say something that would leave me apologizing, and he would just respond while laughing that it was all funny to him now. That was really the only thing out of all of our conversation topics that made me wondering whether or not he was putting on a "show" for me. I'm not sure exactly if he was still feeling hurt... but possibly still feeling a distaste for me that maybe he wasn't expecting to feel when he originally called me.
After we ate dinner, he said he needed to go to Best Buy for a couple CDs and I tagged along. We talked more on the drive over there... mostly about our relationships, I guess. Alan put on some "Chrisy music" ("That I Would be Good" by Alanis Morisette), while the conversation touched some on our current sex lives. Alan told me how him and his current girlfriend seem to have the same general "needs", and yet again, I was happy for them both in that respect. I shared some intimate details of my past relationships, and maybe I was just imagioning it... but I thought I sensed the same feeling of distaste from Alan when I did. I guess he was shocked to hear that Andre and I had basically used each other for sex (or, I guess he was shocked... he acted shocked) but the conversation seemed to automatically change to music as Alan searched through the isles looking for the CDs he came in to buy. I guess he was focusing on not forgetting the name of the band, but he seemed to no longer be interested in the topic I was still talking about. But it wasn't like I *needed* to talk about it or anything... I willingly asked him questions about the artist he was looking for and the conversation went on in a different direction from there.
When we drove back to the Red Lobster parking lot Alan parked right next to my truck. I automatically reached to my seat belt (out of habbit) as Alan started to say his goodbyes. Part of me wished we could have spent more time together, just talking or doing whatever... over the course of the hour and a 1/2 or so I realized I missed him being my friend. I had urges to at least hug him goodbye, but he stayed securely on his side of the truck... and in the end, that was fine. That was probably for the best. In less than 2-3 minutes I was in my truck, waving goodbye to him as he pulled away. It was probably the last time I would ever see him... and I'm glad I took a chance and went. He looked good, healthy, and happy.
EDIT: Something that I forgot to mention. As I was getting out of Alan's truck, he said "Whoa, what was that!?" I turned around asking him what he meant, and he said (something, forget what exactly) in reference to my tattoo. I had gotten the tattoo in June 2001, so I had had it when we were together the third time... in fact, I even remembered him liking it. I told him that as well after I showed it to him. He just short of shrugged, said it was sexy, but he had no memory of it. It seemed sort of odd to me at the time, but then, it's not like I have much room to talk... I had forgotten what color his eyes were until I saw him again.
When I got home, Matt wasn't very happy with me that I had gone. He said it was "weird", and that it was over and done with and that it "didn't matter anymore." Which, of course, means it had mattered to him on some level, but he was trying to be the bigger person by not having to deal with it. Him acting that way had upset me quite a bit, because even though I had gone, it didn't mean it was easy for me to do. I really needed some support that evening, and I guess Matt didn't know that. I ended up logging off for quite a few hours, sulking while watching a movie on A&E, while Matt got "officially" drunk for the first time with his friends. He apologized the next morning, and explained more to me that he had been afraid that something bad could have happened to me while I was out. Even though Alan made to jokes about me being nervous, and asking if I thought he came here to murder me or something... I wouldn't ever expect him to harm me. But Matt doesn't know him like I (did), so I guess it's understandable that he could worry about something like that.
And now... as I've grown tired of typing... I'm going to spend the rest of the evening, surfing various "election day" programs, and switching to CNN as much as I can to watch the totals of the election come in. Both my mother and I went to cast our vote together, and we voted for the same person. And, for anyone who reads this and can't guess who I voted for... Kerry all the way.
I'll recap more of my surgery and casting my first ever vote in an election another day.