Picking up the pieces
Despite my fears of where a woman's right to choose will be in 4 years time, despite the sickening reality that I may never be able to see my homosexual friends have their relationships rightfully justified, and despite how it's been a struggle to keep my spirits above water for quite some time now... Despite all that, I have good news.
I now weigh 134 pounds.
That has been the only thing in the past few days that has put an honestly ecstatic smile on my face. For more than a year I have not been able to get below 140/138, and I had basically given up last May, writing my all efforts off as a lost cause. I'm not sure why now, of all times, I've begun to lose weight... though maybe it's because I've been more consistently active for the past 2 months than I have for the past 2 years. I think my time spent right after the surgery probably did me in the most - I spent most of the 1-2 weeks following September 8th by lying on my back in a dark room with my eyes closed, drinking water and barley eating. I guess it's good to know that at least something positive eventually came out of that miserable recovery. Now I just have to start accepting that it appears my right eye will always be smaller than my left... ugh 
But, to get to the real point of why I actually weighed myself: I was going to make a mild attempt of losing some weight again, in the hopes that I could look nice for when I see Matt at the end of this month. But that is what I always do before seeing him... try for losing a few pounds, and fail at losing a few pounds. Rinse and repeat after 2-3 months. In truth, this time it's all in an effort to jump start my own sex drive. I think I've mentally beat my emotional issues with sex to death (or, I hope I have) and now all I really need to work on is my other "issue"... if I don't feel sexy, then I won't feel like having sex. Or, in theory, that's how it works. The last time I remember really wanting to have sex was when I felt comfortable that I could impress... maybe not with my moves (because, lets face it, I suck at intercourse. Me = one trick pony) but moreso with how I looked. Alot of my enjoyment of it has always been giving pleasure to my partner (which I think is now something positive), and if I feel ugly, I'm not going to feel like I can deliver that. I still don't think I'd ever be gorgeous no matter how much weight I lost, but if I can look as good as I can with what I have to work with... I'd be happy. And hopefully horny and willing to experiment as well.
I have been uneasy since last Sunday. And true to form, I have started to ravage though *all* of my music collection, trying to find some sort of sound track for this time in my life. For some reason it's always been comforting to hear someone else sing my emotions back at me... but I have yet to find that relief. Though, while searching, I have realized that eventually I'll need to clean off my CDs. They are filthy.
I have yet to even log into my classes for the week, let alone know what sort of assignments I need to complete before Sunday. I've been so caught up with everything else... but it's not like it's abnormal of me to put everything off until the last moment. I'd actually be more concerned about myself if I was for once "on the ball."
Pleasant things that have happened in the past two days: I got to talk to Michelle on the phone yesterday, and to Stephen today. They were both shocked about me seeing Alan again, and I told them alot of little details that I chose not to write about. And, naturally, also all the things that I'd never be able to write about 
I'm the type of person who really *can't* keep anything to myself for any length of time (there were even some things from the conversation Alan and I had that I was still dieing to tell the "truth" about), and it felt good to say things to Stephen and Michelle, even though I was telling them stuff I already had before. But, despite all of that, it was nice to catch up with both of them in general, as it has been more than a month since I last spoke with either of them. Hopefully I should be able to see Michelle sometime soon when she makes a trip up to northern VA, and I should be able to have a little dinner with Stephen next Wednesday.
Negative things about those positive things: I could tell by the way I just couldn't shut up about myself (or my general opinions) that the "old me" was peaking through alot more than I would like. Maybe I should get back to writing in here again before I bore all my friends to death.