Hooplah.Org

I really need to start getting my act together. I still need to really make an effort to straighten up my room (because if I come home from AZ after being in Matt’s parent’s perfectly clean and beautiful house and see a horribly messy bedroom it’ll be all the more depressing for me to be here), I need to finish catching up my assignments in Intro to Access (2 chapters of reading and practice problems after, + assignments for this week), I need to save the world from WoW game freezes (if that tech guy will hurry up and respond to me and actually take me seriously this time. I’m trying to help HIM and the game, not the other way around. My computer is teh perfect and their game is fucked), AND… I needed to update this journal before leaving this Friday for AZ. I had originally taken a few days “off” (because I think it’s cheesy to not update for months and then suddenly have a full month’s worth of updates. Why that’s cheesy, I have no idea… but that it is) and I guess I ended up skipping too many days than I intended.

I also don’t think I could have more “(” “)” in that paragraph if I tried. I also don’t think I could get any more close to speaking in a less “professional” manner if I… well, tried. I feel like being lighthearted today.

I guess I should start by explaining my last entry, and then going on for the past week from there.

1. The last entry was about Matt and I playing WoW together after it releases next week. I have been playing the beta since April of this year, and have been trying to convince him to at least try it out to see if he’d be interested in playing. He seemed to stay constantly uninterested until after the first Stress Test, when people from his dorm got to try it and he finally said it looked fun and that he would indeed try it. I’m not sure if I assumed it, or if he said it, but I had thought he would automatically be on whatever server I ended up playing on, as I was already apart of an established guild from beta that was moving into retail. But then, one evening the guys in his dorm asked him if he would be apart of a “regular” group they were going to form… and suddenly he was in conflict of what he was going to do, despite me having been trying to make arrangements with him since April.
   
   I guess it would be beneficial to say that the reason why it matters so much to me is that Matt and I hardly talk on AIM… mostly because I get tired of talking at him (wow, for those who know me, who’d a thunk I’d ever get tired of talking about myself!) since he usually doesn’t feel the things in his life are interesting enough to bring up as conversation. When we play games like these, it usually gives us a common ground of things to talk about and thus it sometimes leads to other real life topics that would usually not be mentioned. Also, it gives us something to do “together” despite being so far apart.
   
   So, I got furious that Matt would consider playing with is friends over me (as is obvious in my past post) and he ended up signing off shortly after words to go to bed… which only made me even more upset. But, to be clear: I don’t mind him doing stuff with his friends… but I mind him blowing off long standing plans with me in order to do it.
   
   The next morning Matt explained to me that he had really wanted to be on a server with both me and his friends, and had just not said it the night before because I had asked him to stop talking about it (why he would withhold information, regardless of what I said, that would make me less upset, I don’t know…) BUT… to end something I really had not wanted to recap, everything is better. My guild will be on west coast servers (although, I still think that was an unfair decision since central servers would be more of a compromise for everyone’s ping… but oh well) and his friends are OK with being on west coast servers too. I still think he’ll probably be spending most of his time with his friends ingame… but oh well, not much can be done about that.

2. I got to talk to Vince on Monday or Tuesday. I had not seen him on in *forever*, and when I saw his screen name I just randomly went for it and said hello. At first he didn’t respond, and I assumed that must have meant that I had missed my “window” of being on friendly terms, since it had been roughly 3 years since we had spoken… but turned out he was just afk at the time He knew most of what I had been up to from having read this journal, and I was asking him questions about his life… but because I’m not a very smooth criminal, I fear most of my questions probably sounded like I was an drab interviewer for a job But that’s typical of what happens when I decide to do something without fully thinking it through first. It never goes as well as it could have.
   
   I was so happy to find out that he is getting married this May (to the same girl who he was with during my freshman year of college… the same one who didn’t want Vince to visit me during that time Though that was probably for the best since I had evil intentions at the time. Goodness, I was a shit in general from 01 to mid 02) and that he’s doing well. Yay for all the people I’ve known for years getting to good points in their lives

3. I had an eye doctor’s appointment (just a regular vision test with my regular doctor) this past Thursday. I found out that the prescription in my right eye had gone up 50% (from -9.5 contact to -13.5). But, sadly, they do not even make that prescription in the brand of contacts that I had been using for the past 10 years. My eye doctor decided to order me a trial of some other brand that are monthly contacts rather than the 2 week pairs I usually wear. They’re supposed to arrive this week, but if they’re not in by this Thursday I won’t be able to get them before leaving for AZ. I’m fine with my current ones, as my left eye seems to “take charge” of my vision for the most part and makes up for my gimpy right eye.
4. I also got 2 new shirts, lots of misc little stuff, a new purse (which I totally love, though my mother hates it. I guess it’s a messenger bag? It took forever to find a purse that had a long enough strap for me to be happy. It is *so* my style though… or, maybe I should say it’s so the style I wish I had. One day, one day…), and lots of new underwear. I’ve been wanting some for a while… ever since I was thinking one day and came to the realization I was still wearing the ones that I had pulled down for both Andre and Alan. After that I knew a surreal thought like that a change would be nice. It’s also been 3 years since I’ve bought any… I was due for some new drawers Sadly that stuff ended up being my birthday present… so now I have to beg Matt to take pity on me and buy me WoW.
5. I had a talk with Alan that was… oddly refreshing. It was mostly just a discussion on censorship, the FCC, and the media. It was more or less a debate, which was something that we never could have had years ago when we were together. Back then I would always feel attacked (or simply angry that someone would try to change my mind) and thus get fussy and pissy (though that’s probably an understatement). Alan had said he was amazed at how I had gotten more patient with age… and when I told Matt this, he laughed Course, when Matt and I argue, we never stay on topic… we always end up attacking each other’s arguing technique and it all goes down from there. I’ve slowly learned how to (mostly) keep my cool and debate with other people, though it’ll hardly ever change my mind.
   
   Alan and I talked about alot of other stuff that day, and I found myself carelessly talking about Matt to him. When Alan confessed that he didn’t feel quite right talking him, at first I was caught off guard. But that’s sadly typical of me… I am usually very blunt and usually have a hard time considering other people’s feelings at the time. Thinking about it now I should have known better than to do that… because regardless of how fine I am with talking about Alan’s new relationships with him now, that’s probably because it was my choice back in 02 that we pursue other relationships. I know I had acted like a baby while dealing with the concept of Tabitha in late 01… but that’s because it oddly still stung, no matter how much time had passed since it happened. The evening that we spoke I went back and read some of the entries I remember being really “bad”… and it put me in check. I’m not sure how Alan was really feeling about the issue, but feeling anything is enough. I should have known better, and I’m sorry for doing it.
   
   What’s the point of growing if there is no learning.

6. I was able to not only fit my ass in, but *zip up* a pair of size 7 jeans. Hot damn.
7. I believe on the 10th (?) I went out with Stephen. We had dinner Pizza Hut (which is something we’ve done since junior/senor year of high school, though the Pizza hut we go to has changed, from the one by the mall to the one semi-near Mary Washington Hospital). We talked about music, Stephen’s interesting trips to bars and meeting people, and about our relationships in general. I bought a picture of Alan and I to show him, and we talked more of my visit with him. After we finished eating we went to see a movie, The Incredibles, which really was rather awesome. Very cute concept for it. Then, afterwords, we drove back to the Pizza Hut where my truck was parked and sat in Stephen’s car and talked (another semi tradition of ours.) He showed me this deck of cards with gay sexual positions on them (all with appropriate names) and he listed off which ones he had done and not done I belive it was around 1AM when he said he had to go. I couldn’t believe it was as late had gotten… time flew by fast.

So… I think that’s basically all of it. If it isn’t, I’ll come back and shamelessly edit this as if I wrote it all in one sitting. And I may not even say what what is a new addition and what isn’t! Haha! Now hopefully I’ll have more motivation to do the things I don’t want to do, as they’re all I have left. Before my train of thought seemed to be “I need to do homework.” “But I need to write a journal entry, too.” I would then start to surf websites for an hour and then think to myself “I need to do homework.” … and so forth.

Oh, yeah… and yay for version 12 of this site Odds are all the little “elite” cliques that I had submitted this site to will now remove me, as they tend to do alot when I make new layouts. Then I’ll need to make another “nice” one and reapply again. Ahh… such a viscous cycle.

What type of a relationship is it when someone doesn’t speak to you unless they’re spoken to? What type of relationship is it when their friends always seem to > you? What does it say when you wait months to do something with someone (read: since April 04), and they act as if you’re some sort of deadly virus that’s going to ruin it for them… and then, naturally, they discard you at the drop of a hat right before doing it? What do you do when you’ve lost all your friends and are left to cry in frustration and disappointment alone?

God, my life is such a humorless joke.

Another day basically wasted doing everything I shouldn’t be. I told myself it was because the muscles near my right eye have been twitching alot lately (which, they honestly have… along my right temple, sort of feeling like a cold, throbbing sting) but then I find myself willingly messing around with mind-numbing web page code. I’ll really need to step it up next week and get myself caught up in my classes, or I’ll have to do it all at the last minute when I get back from AZ. It is just *so* hard to focus on my book text, then back at the screen computer screen, then at a diagram in the book, then back at the screen, then the book text again… all considering the vision in my right eye is still piss poor, that my right eye usually feels uncomfortable, and that if I happen to dart my eyes too quickly I run the risk of my eye crossing without my consent (yes, seriously, that does happen – though not to the point where they *look* crossed, but to where my vision is doubled from it).

But, that aside, today does mark the 2 year 5 month anniversary for Matt and I. Yay for us. It’s also exactly 2 more weeks from today that I’ll be in Arizona with him as well. Yay again for going to Phoenix, probably the most beautiful city I’ve ever been to, with it’s 70-80ish degree fall weather and no humidity. Now if I can just get my fatass down to 130 pounds before going there, I’d be ecstatic. That’s just a personal goal, though… I know that just kissing Matt will always turn him on on some level, no matter how much junk in my trunk that I have

Geeze, I’m sorry… that last comment was solely for my own entertainment. Junk in my trunk, heh. It’s a good thing Matt has liked my journey into ghetto fabulousness, or else I (wouldn’t) be screwed. Heh… yet again, sorry. It’s just been one of those days.

Michael IMed me this evening, and it has to be the first time I’ve spoken to him in… goodness, at least a year. Maybe the last time I heard from him was as far back as June 2003, which was also the last time I saw him. He asked me if I would come out to Cvill to his apartment and stay the night, and we could go somewhere and get drunk and have fun. I told him I wasn’t much for going out and getting drunk, but he insisted, saying he was a “lush” and that we’d have fun. So, naturally, I then had to come across as lame as possible in order to be honest… and tell him I was serious about not feeling comfortable getting drunk in public places. He was silent for like 20 minutes, said “oh ok”, and that he’d talk to me later then. I thanked him for inviting me and said goodbye.

Everytime I think of Michael I always feel regret for having lost touch with him during my senior year of high school. In some ways I still feel responsible for not making the effort to be a constant in his life… because as crappy as I was to him back in those days, I was still probably the best influence he had in his life. The one time I wasn’t there to tell him drugs were shit was the one time it took for him to be bought and sold. But then again, maybe Michael never really wanted to be protected… and maybe I never really was a good enough person for that task anyway. Going by how many other people I knew who did drugs behind my back, I obviously must not have been.

But I digress… (so cliche to say, but not for me).

I’ve been thinking alot about the concept of having “friends only” entries for my online journal. And after mulling over the concept again and again, I can’t seem to think of it as anything other than an oxymoron. Maybe it’s just because I grew up baring as much of my soul as I knew how to share when there wasn’t even the option to select your audience for it. Of course I have my times when I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t write something, either because I know someone reads this or because it is of a personal level that I don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable sharing… but in those cases, I’ve grown to see it as something that is better off not being written anywhere. Or at least not anywhere that any eyes other than my own will ever see it. I’ve always seen having an online journal as taking a risk, like running naked through a crowded room… I wouldn’t understand the point of doing it if while running through I tried to cover up my most sensitive parts. But that’s how I am with everything… all or nothing. Most of the time, I usually give nothing… but when I do give, I try my best to make it something.

On a similar topic, I really need to start thinking of something to give Matt for his birthday (which comes up on the 14th). I can’t remember ever giving him a present… I’ve basically been unemployed and poor for as long as I’ve known him, and outside of doing silly web page stuff I am seriously the most uncreative person I can think of at this moment. Hopefully with my mother being off work for the next week or so we’ll be able to figure something out.

Oh, and btw… this is beyond frustrating (I’m Foonkah), this is so much like me it’s disturbing, as is this, and people who use the words “gay”, “ghey”, or “ghay” as an adjective make me sick.

I’ve been meaning to post a senseless list of my favorite “emotional” songs for a while now… what the mean to me, and who/what I think of when I hear them. Most of them are a negative tone… I can’t ever seen to relate to happy songs no matter how happy I am. I should do that soon before I forget I even thought to do it.

Despite my fears of where a woman’s right to choose will be in 4 years time, despite the sickening reality that I may never be able to see my homosexual friends have their relationships rightfully justified, and despite how it’s been a struggle to keep my spirits above water for quite some time now… Despite all that, I have good news.

I now weigh 134 pounds.

That has been the only thing in the past few days that has put an honestly ecstatic smile on my face. For more than a year I have not been able to get below 140/138, and I had basically given up last May, writing my all efforts off as a lost cause. I’m not sure why now, of all times, I’ve begun to lose weight… though maybe it’s because I’ve been more consistently active for the past 2 months than I have for the past 2 years. I think my time spent right after the surgery probably did me in the most – I spent most of the 1-2 weeks following September 8th by lying on my back in a dark room with my eyes closed, drinking water and barley eating. I guess it’s good to know that at least something positive eventually came out of that miserable recovery. Now I just have to start accepting that it appears my right eye will always be smaller than my left… ugh

But, to get to the real point of why I actually weighed myself: I was going to make a mild attempt of losing some weight again, in the hopes that I could look nice for when I see Matt at the end of this month. But that is what I always do before seeing him… try for losing a few pounds, and fail at losing a few pounds. Rinse and repeat after 2-3 months. In truth, this time it’s all in an effort to jump start my own sex drive. I think I’ve mentally beat my emotional issues with sex to death (or, I hope I have) and now all I really need to work on is my other “issue”… if I don’t feel sexy, then I won’t feel like having sex. Or, in theory, that’s how it works. The last time I remember really wanting to have sex was when I felt comfortable that I could impress… maybe not with my moves (because, lets face it, I suck at intercourse. Me = one trick pony) but moreso with how I looked. Alot of my enjoyment of it has always been giving pleasure to my partner (which I think is now something positive), and if I feel ugly, I’m not going to feel like I can deliver that. I still don’t think I’d ever be gorgeous no matter how much weight I lost, but if I can look as good as I can with what I have to work with… I’d be happy. And hopefully horny and willing to experiment as well.

I have been uneasy since last Sunday. And true to form, I have started to ravage though *all* of my music collection, trying to find some sort of sound track for this time in my life. For some reason it’s always been comforting to hear someone else sing my emotions back at me… but I have yet to find that relief. Though, while searching, I have realized that eventually I’ll need to clean off my CDs. They are filthy.

I have yet to even log into my classes for the week, let alone know what sort of assignments I need to complete before Sunday. I’ve been so caught up with everything else… but it’s not like it’s abnormal of me to put everything off until the last moment. I’d actually be more concerned about myself if I was for once “on the ball.”

Pleasant things that have happened in the past two days: I got to talk to Michelle on the phone yesterday, and to Stephen today. They were both shocked about me seeing Alan again, and I told them alot of little details that I chose not to write about. And, naturally, also all the things that I’d never be able to write about I’m the type of person who really *can’t* keep anything to myself for any length of time (there were even some things from the conversation Alan and I had that I was still dieing to tell the “truth” about), and it felt good to say things to Stephen and Michelle, even though I was telling them stuff I already had before. But, despite all of that, it was nice to catch up with both of them in general, as it has been more than a month since I last spoke with either of them. Hopefully I should be able to see Michelle sometime soon when she makes a trip up to northern VA, and I should be able to have a little dinner with Stephen next Wednesday.

Negative things about those positive things: I could tell by the way I just couldn’t shut up about myself (or my general opinions) that the “old me” was peaking through alot more than I would like. Maybe I should get back to writing in here again before I bore all my friends to death.

God, I feel nauseous. John Kerry just conceded to Bush less than 20 minutes ago. I was actually doing a pretty good job building up a bunch of false hope, thinking that maybe Ohio would pull through in the end. I am just left speechless as to what the fuck this country (and a record number of them both by majority vote and by general voter turnout) thinks it is doing exactly. I never knew so many people could be motivated by fear tactics, religious smoke screens, and obligated gifts. And with so many bans to gay marriage all within the same 24 hour period… jesus, I don’t think I can even fully comprehend all the conservative closed-mindedness that festers in this country.

I’m sorry the rest of the world; I tried to give you a reason not to hate me based solely on my nationality. It didn’t work.

Sigh.