Hooplah.Org A Story of Graceful Stumbles

Never upon a time

First and foremost: Happy 26 month Anniversary to Matt and I!

I'm at a funny place. The more I play, the more I forget all of my troubles. The only things I have to complain about are trivial game things, and that makes my life seem carefree, because I'm fully aware of just how trivial they are. What could be more perfect than knowing all of your worries are nothing to worry about? But it keeps chanting in my head... the words my mother said to me the other day, during a conversation I can't even remember what it was originally about. It was only two sentences worth of insight, something easily remembered, that keeps humbling my thoughts and leaves me feeling somewhat confused in my pseudo utopia existence.

"You're getting an education. It's more than I ever got."

These few words have effected me more deeply than handfuls of motivational speakers, many teacher's guiding words, and thousands of people in the pop culture spotlight praising the importance of knowledge. Maybe it's because those words my mother spoke were simple, direct, and honest. Maybe it was the fact that my mother did not look at me as she spoke, or possibly it was the way her voice seemed to drop in both volume and tone. Maybe it's because I have subconsciously felt guilty for quite some time that I never take my classes seriously. I see them as annoying obstacles, and do whatever I can to just barley jump over the hurdles and not even come close to exhausting myself in the process. There's no effort in it, there's no heart. I see it the way I've always seen education: what I need to get through to get to the "good stuff." In the end, how I get through it is of little to no importance to me.

I took a whole course on Microsoft Office... and I can honestly say I know just as much (or, more accurately, just as little) as I did 6 months ago. My computer intro class is going over countless things that I do not know or truly understand, yet I don't even bother because I know I can easily look up the information in the back of the book in a fraction of the time it would take me to read 60 pages. And, in the rare case that I can convince myself to sit down for a couple of hours and do the required reading, I'll skip whole sections that I deem as "not important" to what I plan on using my CIS certification for. I am like a kleptomaniac in a store with no security cameras... with no one to supervise me, there is no stopping me from falling victim to my weaknesses and greatest flaws. I am the perfect example of someone who exploits this system and does as much as I can to do as little as possible.

But... despite all of these ugly confessions of wasting even more money that I don't even have... I do still feel that I need the asynchronous classes to ensure I don't fail classes simply for exceeding the allowed absences for the quarter due to my IBS. But, again, considering everything that I've said... it leaves me with the lingering question: Why did I even bother to try this again? What did I really think would happen... that I would just wake up one day and just decide to change how I have been for the past 17 years of my life? Did the idea of being happy with a career make me temporarily insane? What do I expect to do when (or possibly if, damn economy) this CIS certification lands me a job... and the first task they ask me to do, I don't know how to do it? What will I be able to tell them? And worse yet... what does this all say about me as a person? Can it truly be any worse than how I already see myself as?

My mother's few simple words have set a rather large ball into motion. My IBS was a large factor in my inability to go to classes in the spring of 2002... but it did not go without help. Acknowledging that I honestly don't care about my education is a rather large step... as no one could have even paid me to confess any of what I just said 2 years ago. Furthermore, acknowledging that that frame is unacceptable is a step in the right direction. It is a critical time for my insignificant internal conflict... Will I stick with this? Or will the enthusiasm drain from me so quickly that I would have forgotten this even happened had it not been for this entry?

What is so wrong with me that I do not care about my own mind? What horrible turn of events made me be the way that I am? Why did it take me so long to realize that I don't need people chanting "You can do it!" to encourage me... but rather I need to see people who never had the opportunity say in the most simple form: "Do it because I never could." I take so many things for granted... how hard will it be to make myself realize something actually *is* important?

So... to end this over dramatic entry with something not involving me what-so-ever:

Be sure to vote. Using your voice is a gift, and above all, it's free. The right to vote is one of the few things in this world that is free that people won't take full advantage of. People lost their lives fighting for the freedom this country was founded on... if you gave your life to give complete strangers a unique and precious right... how would you feel if those people thought it was "too much" to spend 1 day out of every 4 years to honor your effort and sacrifice?

I will be voting for Kerry this November... in an effort to cancel out my father's vote for Bush, which is among many, many other reasons.

I'm done for now. It will probably be a while until I update again.