Utopia Connections
I'm feeling great today... in a way. Despite the hostility I keep building up toward my father (EVERY thing he does bothers me to no end... I have fantasies of having lunch with Debbie one day and telling her all the reasons why he's not the sweet man he presents himself as... maybe I'd even tell her what he said about her after she had her miscarriage... but I would save that as a last reserve, encase she did not believe all my accounts of how he acts... when he had surgery last Wednesday, as much as I feel bad to say it, I wish he had not returned... so, so much hostility...) Despite all those thoughts... I feel better than I have in a while. I finally found all of the Dave Matthews Band CDs on BitTorrent, I actually *read* the chapter for my homework instead of just looking up the answers like I usually do, Sandy and I have plans to do something on Tuesday, and the final two shows of "I love the 90s" premiered tonight on VH1, followed right after by this week's Best Week Ever. Also finding out a couple of days ago that Alanis Morissette lost her virginity to David Coulier (the guy who played Joey on full house) is also playing into this all-around-good-feeling I'm having, though I'm not sure exactly how.
My IBS isn't concerning me... I'm not sure what exactly to call this feeling. Accomplished maybe? Even though it's relatively small tasks that I did "accomplish" today. Fed the axolotls, completed 75% of my homework, rode with my mother to 711 where she bought lottery tickets, playing my rogue again in WoW... none of that is special at all as a matter of fact, but I did it and I feel great! *insert cheasy Mentos commecial smile*
I'm trying to put more sex into my thoughts... (warning, incoming graphicness and way-personal-information, if you don't want to know me "this" well, skip the whole paragraph) isn't it odd that I had stopped masturbating because I thought, well... my clit would disappear from over usage? Very funny thought actually, now, reflecting on it. I also thought I would orgasm more during sex if my clit wasn't "worn out" from me having messed with it. And these aren't things I believed back when I was 15, but are "rules" I followed really up until a month or so ago. Well, maybe I didn't consciously still believe those ideas, but had grown accustom to only orgasming, what... 4, maybe 5 times a year? Odd how I came to think that, it was my own rational that came from nowhere... logically, you'd think that orgasms would come more naturally if one was in the habit of having them. I dunno. Maybe my "freedom" in that area is also playing into this minor utopia feeling I'm having.
I wish it would stay... I don't feel so dead when I am like this. Hard to believe it's even a reality with all the things I do have to be down about, and how it was just yesterday that the thought of going to Disney World (or Land? whichever) with Matt's sister had my panties all in a bunch of how my stomach would handle two trips back to back of each other. Very, very hard to believe. Hell... for all I know, I may already asleep and dreaming. Zzz.