Confessions 1 of 1
Sigh. My issues haven't been bothering me as much as they were, which is a mixture of both good and bad. It's good that I can get my mind off of it, but I hate the way I've been able to accomplish it. For years now, I always said that playing MMO's was my way of just putting off my problems, giving me something else to focus on... and though when I originally started saying it I never believed it was 100% true, now that seems to be exactly what is happening. The only downside to that tactic is what whenever I start playing games like that, for some unknown reason, I can no longer focus my attention on anything. It's like playing a game somehow leaves me with a horrible ADD after effect. This is part of the reason why I no longer have any friends... I try to talk to people and I just can't keep the conversation going. I space out and totally forget someone had just instant messaged me a question, and completely leave the computer for an hour. Or, sometimes I think the response and don't type it. Sigh... and I hate that.
Though I no longer really want to go into detail for each of my problems like I had before... I suppose I should list them, just for the sake of saying it already. It's been edging at me for a while now that I should say *something* about the actual issues instead of hyping them.
- I no longer really feel any urge to have sex. I've gone over the reasons, and I believe I've narrowed it down to the most likely answer: Matt is the first person who ever gave me a real option on whether or not I wanted to have sex... and despite how wonderful Matt is to me, I now seem to be making up for all the times I wanted to say "no" in previous relationships. Course, don't get me wrong, in my other relationships I had the option to say no to sexual advances. Sure I did... but if I did say no, I would eventually be punished in some way for it. Like he would stop speaking to me, or would just seem distant or upset and refuse to talk about it. Sometimes I really wish I could go back to being a virgin, so I could take the time to enjoy every kiss, to enjoy slowly progressing to the big moment... Instead of being damned for having made a foolish decision at a foolish age. Losing my virginity when and to who I did will always be the biggest mistake I ever made. Matt is being punished for all the things he had no part in.
That was longer than I meant it to be... oops. Next one will be shorter.
- My IBS is starting to really depress me. I hate that I am so incredibly weak to it's effects (as in, when my stomach cramps, I have the unbelievable urge just to crawl up in a little ball for hours until it stops... and usually after I decide that is what I need to make it better, I'm pretty much useless to do anything else). I'm terrified of going to work. I'm terrified of having to go from interview to interview trying to find someone who will give me a chance and hire me, despite my past work history. Because all they seem to care about is the number of days I missed, not the medical reason as to why I missed them. I sometimes wonder if medical conditions fall under equal opportunity laws. It's not like I can help that I get sick alot, and may be so sick that I will need to call out of work more often than the allowed sick leave per year. That's not my FAULT. Believe me, I'd rather be doing anything else than running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I've considered not telling future employers of my IBS, but I can see it now... if I could ever get over my fear of using the restroom in the earshot of others (completely and utterly not likely, but still) I could just see some coworker eventually confronting me about my "loudness" and ask me to cut back on the beans or something equally "witty" and hurtful. In today's society, I wouldn't put it past them to ask me that if I were in that situation. I honestly wouldn't. This all wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't starting to get near panic attacks when I get sick in public.
- I no longer really have any friends. I am well aware that this is my fault, too, which makes it even more painful. It stems off from playing MMO's... I pay so much attention to them to avoid feeling down about my failed future, my IBS, and having to live with my horrible father, that my relationships outside of the MMO world never get the attention they need. It's like I have two options... I could stop doing things to distract me, and spend my time mulling over every negative thing in my life, yet still have contact with friends and enjoy great memories with them... or I could continue to play MMOs, which pretty much leave me in a flat-line state of emotion... nothing good, nothing bad, nothing at all extreme. I'm not making sense. I wish I could call Stephen, but I just can't seem to make myself call him when I think he might already be busy with something (and with his work schedule, he probably would be.) I tried talking to Carl a couple of days ago, but it was awkward, especially when I told him that I had not spoken to Lindsay in two years and he just replied, "yeah." I wanted to tell him to tell her I was sorry, but for some reason it didn't feel right to send someone who no longer really qualified as a friend as a messenger boy for something I should say myself. Yet, I think Lindsay's busy all the time or doesn't want to speak to me anyway... not that I blame her. Sandy and I never talk either, and she has her boyfriend now to spend any extra time with. I so wanted to go to the 4th of July events nearly 2 weeks ago... but just couldn't make myself go alone.
Well... that's the bulk of them. They're long and jumbled and make no sense... which is everything I didn't want them to be. Oh well I guess. I don't feel like spending the time rewriting them, and I don't feel like writing any more. Maybe I'll be more clear next time.