Utopia Connections
I'm feeling great today... in a way. Despite the hostility I keep building up toward my father (EVERY thing he does bothers me to no end... I have fantasies of having lunch with Debbie one day and telling her all the reasons why he's not the sweet man he presents himself as... maybe I'd even tell her what he said about her after she had her miscarriage... but I would save that as a last reserve, encase she did not believe all my accounts of how he acts... when he had surgery last Wednesday, as much as I feel bad to say it, I wish he had not returned... so, so much hostility...) Despite all those thoughts... I feel better than I have in a while. I finally found all of the Dave Matthews Band CDs on BitTorrent, I actually *read* the chapter for my homework instead of just looking up the answers like I usually do, Sandy and I have plans to do something on Tuesday, and the final two shows of "I love the 90s" premiered tonight on VH1, followed right after by this week's Best Week Ever. Also finding out a couple of days ago that Alanis Morissette lost her virginity to David Coulier (the guy who played Joey on full house) is also playing into this all-around-good-feeling I'm having, though I'm not sure exactly how.
My IBS isn't concerning me... I'm not sure what exactly to call this feeling. Accomplished maybe? Even though it's relatively small tasks that I did "accomplish" today. Fed the axolotls, completed 75% of my homework, rode with my mother to 711 where she bought lottery tickets, playing my rogue again in WoW... none of that is special at all as a matter of fact, but I did it and I feel great! *insert cheasy Mentos commecial smile*
I'm trying to put more sex into my thoughts... (warning, incoming graphicness and way-personal-information, if you don't want to know me "this" well, skip the whole paragraph) isn't it odd that I had stopped masturbating because I thought, well... my clit would disappear from over usage? Very funny thought actually, now, reflecting on it. I also thought I would orgasm more during sex if my clit wasn't "worn out" from me having messed with it. And these aren't things I believed back when I was 15, but are "rules" I followed really up until a month or so ago. Well, maybe I didn't consciously still believe those ideas, but had grown accustom to only orgasming, what... 4, maybe 5 times a year? Odd how I came to think that, it was my own rational that came from nowhere... logically, you'd think that orgasms would come more naturally if one was in the habit of having them. I dunno. Maybe my "freedom" in that area is also playing into this minor utopia feeling I'm having.
I wish it would stay... I don't feel so dead when I am like this. Hard to believe it's even a reality with all the things I do have to be down about, and how it was just yesterday that the thought of going to Disney World (or Land? whichever) with Matt's sister had my panties all in a bunch of how my stomach would handle two trips back to back of each other. Very, very hard to believe. Hell... for all I know, I may already asleep and dreaming. Zzz.
Confessions 1 of 1
Sigh. My issues haven't been bothering me as much as they were, which is a mixture of both good and bad. It's good that I can get my mind off of it, but I hate the way I've been able to accomplish it. For years now, I always said that playing MMO's was my way of just putting off my problems, giving me something else to focus on... and though when I originally started saying it I never believed it was 100% true, now that seems to be exactly what is happening. The only downside to that tactic is what whenever I start playing games like that, for some unknown reason, I can no longer focus my attention on anything. It's like playing a game somehow leaves me with a horrible ADD after effect. This is part of the reason why I no longer have any friends... I try to talk to people and I just can't keep the conversation going. I space out and totally forget someone had just instant messaged me a question, and completely leave the computer for an hour. Or, sometimes I think the response and don't type it. Sigh... and I hate that.
Though I no longer really want to go into detail for each of my problems like I had before... I suppose I should list them, just for the sake of saying it already. It's been edging at me for a while now that I should say *something* about the actual issues instead of hyping them.
- I no longer really feel any urge to have sex. I've gone over the reasons, and I believe I've narrowed it down to the most likely answer: Matt is the first person who ever gave me a real option on whether or not I wanted to have sex... and despite how wonderful Matt is to me, I now seem to be making up for all the times I wanted to say "no" in previous relationships. Course, don't get me wrong, in my other relationships I had the option to say no to sexual advances. Sure I did... but if I did say no, I would eventually be punished in some way for it. Like he would stop speaking to me, or would just seem distant or upset and refuse to talk about it. Sometimes I really wish I could go back to being a virgin, so I could take the time to enjoy every kiss, to enjoy slowly progressing to the big moment... Instead of being damned for having made a foolish decision at a foolish age. Losing my virginity when and to who I did will always be the biggest mistake I ever made. Matt is being punished for all the things he had no part in.
That was longer than I meant it to be... oops. Next one will be shorter.
- My IBS is starting to really depress me. I hate that I am so incredibly weak to it's effects (as in, when my stomach cramps, I have the unbelievable urge just to crawl up in a little ball for hours until it stops... and usually after I decide that is what I need to make it better, I'm pretty much useless to do anything else). I'm terrified of going to work. I'm terrified of having to go from interview to interview trying to find someone who will give me a chance and hire me, despite my past work history. Because all they seem to care about is the number of days I missed, not the medical reason as to why I missed them. I sometimes wonder if medical conditions fall under equal opportunity laws. It's not like I can help that I get sick alot, and may be so sick that I will need to call out of work more often than the allowed sick leave per year. That's not my FAULT. Believe me, I'd rather be doing anything else than running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I've considered not telling future employers of my IBS, but I can see it now... if I could ever get over my fear of using the restroom in the earshot of others (completely and utterly not likely, but still) I could just see some coworker eventually confronting me about my "loudness" and ask me to cut back on the beans or something equally "witty" and hurtful. In today's society, I wouldn't put it past them to ask me that if I were in that situation. I honestly wouldn't. This all wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't starting to get near panic attacks when I get sick in public.
- I no longer really have any friends. I am well aware that this is my fault, too, which makes it even more painful. It stems off from playing MMO's... I pay so much attention to them to avoid feeling down about my failed future, my IBS, and having to live with my horrible father, that my relationships outside of the MMO world never get the attention they need. It's like I have two options... I could stop doing things to distract me, and spend my time mulling over every negative thing in my life, yet still have contact with friends and enjoy great memories with them... or I could continue to play MMOs, which pretty much leave me in a flat-line state of emotion... nothing good, nothing bad, nothing at all extreme. I'm not making sense. I wish I could call Stephen, but I just can't seem to make myself call him when I think he might already be busy with something (and with his work schedule, he probably would be.) I tried talking to Carl a couple of days ago, but it was awkward, especially when I told him that I had not spoken to Lindsay in two years and he just replied, "yeah." I wanted to tell him to tell her I was sorry, but for some reason it didn't feel right to send someone who no longer really qualified as a friend as a messenger boy for something I should say myself. Yet, I think Lindsay's busy all the time or doesn't want to speak to me anyway... not that I blame her. Sandy and I never talk either, and she has her boyfriend now to spend any extra time with. I so wanted to go to the 4th of July events nearly 2 weeks ago... but just couldn't make myself go alone.
Well... that's the bulk of them. They're long and jumbled and make no sense... which is everything I didn't want them to be. Oh well I guess. I don't feel like spending the time rewriting them, and I don't feel like writing any more. Maybe I'll be more clear next time.
Babble Inc.
I randomly made a new layout yesterday after the urge to open PSP up and fiddle around with misc things actually produced something nice looking. Today I finished what the template of the pages will be... now it's just about getting motivated to do the bulk of the work, which includes transferring all the data as well as creating any other things I forgot. I find, that while I love most of the layouts I create right after finishing them, within a month or so I almost can't stand them. I always try to shoot for designs that might have longevity, but none of them ever seem to accomplish that. Most of the time I wish I still had my dragonfly layout from last summer... I would put that one up again (after recoding it, of course) in a heartbeat.
I've also been getting tons of viruses in my e-mail. It appears to be the same virus every time. I had gotten 10+ suspicious e-mails in the past 2 weeks, and yesterday I thought I might as well try installing a free virus software and see if any existing virus could be caught, or at least just discover the name of it. While yesterday it did not give me any warnings, this morning as I checked my e-mail I received yet another of the "delivery failed" e-mail I was nearly scared to death as a very loud, monotone voice shouted form my speakers "Alert! A virus has been found!" Probably wouldn't have startled me as much had I not been 1/2 asleep at the time. Apparently it's the NetSky virus. I'm starting to wonder if it got transferred to me via someone in my Strayer classes... or maybe someone is just trying to bother me. Who knows.
I recently set off an application to a WoW beta contest, and I'm worried that my e-mail might have been disregarded if the virus had managed to latch on to the message. It would be my luck if that did happen.
...
I wrote a ton after that last paragraph, but didn't end up completing it. I'd rather save it and complete it properly or not do it at all, so it's sitting safe in a .txt file until I want to deal with it again. My writing today seems to be poor in general anyway, and even now as I'm trying to BS an excuse for the pointless entry I feel I just don't have patience to finish fooling wi
Yeah, I know how unoriginal that was.