Hooplah.Org A Story of Graceful Stumbles

Version 9, Nature talk, Being passionate

So, yes, there is a new layout up. Version 8 was very pretty, and hopefully I'll convince myself to use it again this fall. I was just having uncontrollable urges to have something more upbeat and bright. Something more in tune with the season. I came up with this rather quickly, so I wouldn't be surprised if some felt it wasn't as good as the last layout. But oh well... can't please everyone.

I had gone for another fast paced walk with my mother yesterday. I'm not sure if she had a slower cassette tape in her walkman or what, but I was able to keep up with her much better than I had ever been before. I like walking because it serves some aerobic purposes, but also because I'm just in love with being outside recently. It makes me wish I was 5 again and had a reason to be outdoors as long as I possibly could, all day long. At this age, I simply step outside on the porch and instantly awkward... out of place in general, because I have nothing else to do but stand there, smell the air, and stare at the sky. Going on walks with my mother gives me a reason to look around, and just lose myself in what I'm seeing without drawing attention. On the route my mother and I take for walking, on one side of the road all of the houses there are directly on the lake. I love walking down that road, because the light smell of the water and the sand coming through the trees brings back alot of memories and feelings from my childhood. Just makes me feel content.

I get so amazed at how quickly everything is growing in. There is already almost full fledged leaves on all of the tress. In another week it's very likely they will already be to their full haze of green, which usually doesn't show until mid May. I wish I could go outside and take pictures like I did last year, but now it feels as if I have no reason to. Last year I did it so I could post pictures in the photolog I had going. Now I think of how cruddy quality the pictures will be with my now ehh digital camera, and wonder why I would bother taking pictures when I could see it again the same way next year in better detail than I could ever capture. The pictures never seem to look the same way as they do through my eyes, anyway... that's probably the reason why I'll never be a photographer, but it's discouraging regardless.

I'm not sure what's bringing on all this nature appreciation. I've been having it off and on for the past couple of years now, with each burst of it getting stronger than before. Maybe it's all the Enya I've been listening to. And as creepy as it is to admit, I was first introduced to Enya (other than commercial advertisements) by Jenn, when she had the "A Day Without Rain" CD on one night shortly after the year at Radford had started. Listening to the first track on that CD still gives me goose bumps, and reminds me of laying in bed, with my 3 fans blowing on me, and feeling everything I felt then from being in a new place. All of Enya's songs now mean something emotionally charged to me. I think the music is absolutely beautiful, and I'm not sure why more people don't listen to it.

While testing this new layout under different circumstances, I read some of my journal archives in the process... primarily those from around around August of 2000. My writing style was so different back then. I now write with a much more serious tone, which might be because I'm trying to cover that I have nothing to talk about, or because it makes me feel more like an adult. Overall, I like my quality of writing better back 3-4 years ago... maybe it's because I wrote as if I didn't care, or was detailed yet vague at the same time and that left some element of mystery to it all. Maybe I just explain too many things when I write now, not leaving much for the reader's imagination. Who really knows. Back then, I had roughly 20+ hits a day, sometimes up near 50, and now I'm lucky if I pass 10. But that is probably more due to me being so shy about posting comments on people's sites, as that is the linking method of choice these days.

I really should break out of that habit. I just feel so odd commenting on someone else's thoughts... I'm so used to being a silent observer, that when I try to force myself to say something to let the person know I care and am reading what they're saying... it just ends up sounding exactly what it is: forced. I have horrible people skills. I'm sorry to all those that comment here and I never comment back. It's so odd that I love comments, but am usually too afraid to ever return the favor. Oh, hypocritical me.

The more and more I think about summer, the more I cannot wait to go to the beach. I've even considered taking my laptop with us there, encase Matt and I want to try to make movies of us or the beach then we could save them on my laptop so they wouldn't take up too much room on his camera. Maybe I'd post one of them on here for people to see, if the file size wasn't too horrendous.

I have the goal of trying to be more romantic while in Myrtle Beach with Matt. I will try during the whole trip in general really, but will be focusing on that mini-vacation together as a good way to get me going with it. Usually I have a hard time being romantic or passionate, and I'm not sure why. It just makes me feel awkward, like I'm acting or pretending. I suppose it comes from never having naturally learned and experienced it in my past relationships... or something along those lines. I usually have a "lets get down to business" attitude, which is almost embarrassing to say. Even now just thinking of my past relationships I can see how I've grown into that habit. Matt and I seem to take on opposite gender roles in our relationship... it's funny, and yet so appropriate. I just wish I wasn't so much of a dick sometimes.