Hooplah.Org A Story of Graceful Stumbles

Archives finished, DAoC babble, Strayer University

I took the past two days and finally finished transferring all of my journal archives to MT, all 1069 of them, and set up an archive system that would have been virtually impossible 6 months ago. I feel so accomplished right now... I love the rush of being able to make something I'm proud of. Now all I need to do is make the guestbook, which is both easy and a general pain in the ass. We'll see if I'm motivated enough to get to it tonight.

I'm treading myself to strawberry short cake for the 10+ hours of work I put into this since yesterday.

On a side topic... just like this time last year, I'm finding myself completely uninterested in DAoC. Or... I just got so sick of my issues with it that I actually feel better not playing. I logged off before RVR started on Monday night, and have not been back on since. I'm just getting so sick of being online all freaking day, and never getting an invite to join guild RVR. No one ever wants to include me solely for my company... I have to offer something that serves them, otherwise I might as well not exist. On the days when someone openly says in /gu that they're starting a group, I send them a tell to secure my spot and get my ass out there asap. But on days when RVR is by tell invite only... I'll spend all day doing nothing, just like I did Monday, all the while getting more and more upset about this boundary that keeps me from having any fun. I considered trying to form my own group, but what's the point when all the support classes that are online are already in the first group. Maybe part of my frustration is that I'm jealous they have good friends they can group with. The two friends I came to Iseult with don't play there much anymore. Though I try to be friendly with everyone... I'm having a hard time turning any of the acquaintances I've made into real friends. At one point I had group security with 7 other people, but they we were all basically drafted into the group, and they were all people I couldn't see myself getting that close to. Some of them I had tried to be friendly with in the past, but it went no where. I ended up opting out of the group for those reasons, and for disliking the route they were taking the group (primarily 8v8 only). I knew I was shooting myself in the foot when I did it... but I was going to be unhappy with the situation either way, so I figured I may as well take the route that would allow someone else to have fun in my place.

Last year when I quit it was because I was just tired of the game. To me then, it had ran it's course in my life and it was time to move on. Now, I have a class that I love, and I've only just begun to start enjoying the game again... but I find myself not being allowed to enjoy it as much as I could. I've tried arguing it to try to fix the situation... but to no avail. There are so many great people on that server... yet I am a late arrival and I know I will never ever really fit in. So many of them already have their circle of friends, and are no longer accepting anyone new. So many of them have assumed certain ideas and truth, and will not even consider the possibilities of them being wrong, or accepting the bad that eventually comes from them.

I barley have contact with my RL friends anymore. I have not seen or spoken to Lindsay in a year and a 1/2. I talk to Carl once in a blue moon, when I happen to be awake at 5AM and feel talkative enough to IM him. I had wished Sandy happy birthday on 01/27, but before then we had not had any real type of conversation in probably 6 months. I saw Stephen last week, had dinner with him at Joe's Crab Shack and walked around some stores... but I had not seen him before that since October. I have not seen Sandy since June 03, Lindsay since August 02, and Carl... since September 01. Vince was last seen in fall of 01, and Brian... not since my junior year of high school.

Sometimes when I break my life down like this... I really do feel ashamed. I feel like the horrible person I am for how I've treated all my beloved friends. And, sadly... it is mostly because of DAoC. I'm also starting to wonder if it's no longer sad that that is my reason... or if it's just plain sick.

On a lighter note... I am highly considering taking some courses at Strayer to see if a certification of some sort to help me get my foot in the door for the office jobs that I want to have. I've been trying for a year with just myself to offer, and that doesn't seem to be very appealing to potential employers. I had filled out a form online to get an informational packet since to me, but as I clicked submit I watched as magically the "contact me by phone" option selected itself. The next day I got a call from a counselor at Strayer. I had not received the informational packet I requested, but I've received 2 phone calls. I hate getting involved with counselors... they've never been any help to me other than trying to convince me to do something I don't want to. But.. I guess if I have any hope of getting any information out of them, I'll have to deal with it for just a little while. Maybe she can direct me to a class that would help me achieve my goal better than the class I had originally found. Who knows... I guess I'll find out in the next few days.