Hooplah.Org A Story of Graceful Stumbles

Days I don’t want to remember

Had a simply horrible day. I'd like to rant on and on about it, and maybe I will another day... But if I get into it too much right now, I'll probably make myself cry. And for once, I don't want to take the "healthy" method... I want to bottle it up and forget it for as long as possible. I don't want to let it get to me.

I rescheduled my interview yesterday for 10 AM today. I woke up at 8 after a much better night's rest, and had planned at leaving at 9:30. My father told me that my mother wanted me to call her at 8:30, and I did at 8:40. She said she still didn't feel comfortable about me going to the interview, and wanted me to meet her at Giant so we could go together. I was frustrated that it would mess up the schedule I had planned, but otherwise I was fine with it. I don't like going places alone, and I still was a bit nervous about him and the neighborhood. My father even asked if I wanted him to get dressed and come with me, and threw an insult at me when I told him no. ("Well you must have missed the boat if you don't think this guy is suspicious.")

I wore my white button down shirt again, and a grey skirt and new "professional looking" black shoes. I clipped my hair back off of my face. I thought I was looking rather nice. I grabbed my blue folder, which held a copy of my resume, and left around 9:20. It was rainy and chilly, but not that cold yet. During the drive I ate cinnamon tictacs and sang along with the radio. I was in a good mood. I pulled up next to my mom in the Giant parking lot and got into her car. As I got in she told me I looked nice, the skirt looked good on me, and that made me feel even better.

The drive there took roughly 15 or so minutes. We had light conversation and joked around a little. I was doing my best not to think about the upcoming interview, since there was no need to make myself panic and sabotage my own efforts. I didn't preplan any of my possible responses, or think about what sort of questions I would be asked. I just got there, got out of the car, and walked down the same hallway I had spent an hour waiting for him in before.

I lightly knocked on the door. He was quiet for a few uncomfortable seconds, almost leading me to think he wasn't here again today, until I heard him clear his throat. He was much younger than I thought he would be.. blond hair, glasses, and had some sort of blue fleece sweatshirt on and jeans. Thinking back to it now, he looked sort of blankly at me... as if wondering what I was doing there. I introduced myself, and then remembered my mother standing behind me and felt it was only polite to introduce her to him as well. Robert (the man at the door) said "you (me) come in here, and, uh, mom you stay outside."

The door had just closed when he asked me, "So do you always bring your mother to work with you, Chrisy?" I was sort of taken back by this comment... I had not expected it. In the split instant I took to decide, I thought it'd be best not to talk down about my mother's worry for me... so I responded, "Oh, no, she was just concerned." He sat down in his computer chair, and bluntly said "Well, you're not really what I had in mind. I'm looking for someone older." My heart sank, but I was still foolishly hopeful. I said, "Yeah, I thought that might be a problem." Which had been on my mind... it would have been naive of me not to think that my age be a very negative first impression. Robert stood up from his chair, and said "Sorry, I have nothing to offer you," and opened the door. I walked out, and met my mother before she even made it to the front doors. She looked at me, and asked what happened... and I told her to "just keep going." I could feel my throat start to get tighter at the very idea of just repeating what happened, and wanted to be outside, out of earshot, before I even tried.

As soon as I made it out the door I started spilling out what happened. My first reaction was to be upset with my mother, since that was the first thing Robert had chose to attack. I got fussy with her and slammed my door as I got in the car. As we were sitting in the car, both me and her in disbelief, my mother said "heh, suspicious!" This whole time she has seen him as some sort of killer or rapist, and she saw him rejecting me like that as proof that he had wanted me to come alone so he could take advantage of me. I told her, no... he meant what he said. I knew my age would be a factor, and my mother being there only enhanced my only real visible flaw. Robert probably had told himself he would only accept the "best" for his business, had probably spent months of time psyching himself up so he wouldn't back down on his standards. He probably believes you have to be a dick to people to get what you want. Robert probably thought he was doing me a favor, letting me know that unless I'm an under privileged middle aged mother, I have no right thinking I can just walk onto the job market... someone my age should still be in college, or deep-frying his fast food lunch.

On the way back to my mother's work, I sat in silence and cried. I felt humiliated. The whole morning I had tried my best to stay confident, to think that I could actually get this job... and all of it was shot down in less than a minute. I didn't think I did anything wrong; in fact, I had even tried to be compassionate about how horrible Friday must have been for him... yet for some reason he felt the need to punish me for wasting 5 minutes of this time.

My mother talked me into going inside Gaint for a while with her. I had mentioned wanting to see a movie, so my mother said I could look in the phone book they had behind the counter. She also wanted to tell Mary about what had just happened, so I could near Mary agree about how shitty that was for him to say that to me, and how I wouldn't want to work for someone like him anyway. Mary even suggested turning him into the police for wanting to pay people under the table, which, quite honestly, was tempting. When I saw that the phone book didn't have the number of the theater I wanted to go to, I just told my mother I would just drive by and check. I hugged her, she apologized again, and I left.

Luckily for me, Return of the King was playing at 11AM, and I had gotten there at 10:50. I bought the ticket for $5.50 and went straight into the theater... did not even bother getting food or drink since I knew I didn't have the cash on me for it. Over all, the movie was good, though probably my least favorite of the trilogy. It seemed the director had gotten tired with working on the same project for years, and it showed. There were so many moments where I just wanted to break down and cry, and they weren't even over dramatic things... I was just still touchy and emotional from the "interview" and everything was pressing my buttons. Add in the fact that I didn't feel comfortable crying alone, and well... just ended up giving myself a pounding headache from pinching back tears.

When I got home, my mother was already there. I was glad... The main reason why I had not wanted to come home after the interview was because I didn't want to tell my father what happened. I had no idea how he would react, but I knew he would never be understanding or compassionate. And just like I suspected, he wasn't... The whole evening he wouldn't even look at me. He barley spoke to me.

The only words he did say to me were about and relating to the new student loan payment that is starting in February. $120/month for 4-5 months. My father had set the bill for it on the table, which is where he always leaves mail for me (and never tells me it's there... just expects me to find it.) Up until yesterday, I had thought it was junk mail... and had even just considered throwing it away. When I found it what it was, I went online and printed out a deferment (sp?) form, since I obviously can't pay it now since I'm unemployed. I know that was not what my father had had in mind... what he had wanted to do was to use the bill to put pressure on me to get a job.

That's what's so truly sick about it all... my father was probably happy about what happened today. This whole time, he has been completely unsupportive. He thinks he is such a "reluctant hero" to continue to financially support me, and yet still voices his disapproval by verbally bashing me whenever he gets the chance. He honestly doesn't understand or agree with my desire to take the time to find a job that I can live with. Not one I love, not one that'd make me happy, but one that I can live with. You can tell by the hell he forces my mother go to through at her job, and how he would absolutely go mad if she ever quit to improve her quality of life, how much he values how other people feel. All I want to do is establish a career with a future that won't make me dread waking up in the morning... yet he sees it as so pointless, such a waste of everyone's time. He probably thinks I learned a lesson today, just like Robert thinks I did. My father's silence wasn't because he didn't know what to say... it's because he felt Robert had already done a good enough job talking down to me earlier.

I will not make yet another mistake concerning my future. I threw my future away by fucking up in college, I'm not going to throw away my dreams just to get sucked into a job that will just eat me alive. I know enough about myself that if I get another job like cashiering, it will just kill my motivation. I am too lazy and unmotivated to be able to keep swimming with the weight of general unhappiness tied to my feet. I know this about myself... once I get a job, I will be stuck there. It took alot of courage to quit Giant last September, and I only wish I had had that courage while working at Food Lion.

My father will be in for a big surprise if he expects to bully me into getting a job anywhere other than the places I am trying to get. If my deferment ends up being turned down, then they will just have to reposes my property to pay it. Odds are my father will give them this computer as the first item for auction, but so be it. I don't care anymore. I'll just save up and buy another when I get a job I can live with.