Hooplah.Org

Since my hard drive died. Last week was simply horrible, and it was only fitting that the only real fixture in my life other than Matt should break right in front of me for no apparent reason. I can’t even begin to think of everything I have lost. I suppose now would be the time that many people would lecture me, saying that I should use zip disks and other data storage methods to keep my files safe… and I would have, had I not had just as much trouble with zip disks failing on me as I’ve had with hard drives. Matt swears up and down that one day we will save money and take it to a data recovery place, hoping that they’d be willing to try to fish out my 20+ gigs worth of memories for a decent price. Who knows when that will happen. In the meantime, just the thought of having to recollect all of my MP3s makes my head hurt.

Matt was a real sweetie to me the night it failed, even though I was really horrible and pathetic over it all… I kept crying, since I “knew” my father wouldn’t buy me a replacement hard drive and “knew” I would be without a computer for months… so he bought me one drive that he really couldn’t afford. Then, a couple of days later, I mentioned what happened to my father and he insisted on buying me a hard drive through Dell. I’ve apologized more times than I can count to Matt about my behavior, and about how hasty I was and how I jumped to conclusions, but I won’t feel good about it until I can find a way to send the hard drive back and get a refund for him. I just received the one Matt ordered in the mail today, so maybe I can get it shipped out by Wednesday and get his money back to him soon.

The past few days have been so unbelievably slow. I have mostly read The Fellowship of the Ring since Friday, and it’s still been interesting, since the movie and the book are almost two totally different stories (despite that I had heard that the movie followed the book almost to a T, it is quite the opposite). So, if I am writing odd, blame it on being influenced from the book. And, also, we found out that the “shadow” that had appeared in my mother’s chest x-ray had not been lung cancer but merely congestion from a recent cold. She’s been a little bit slack with wearing her patches since then, but I’ve tried to stay on her about it in a carefree, playful sort of way. Just because she got lucky this time doesn’t mean she will the next.

I’m on my father’s computer now, and though I tried to play DoOC on it, this computer is simply no match for supporting the game. My 1 gig of ram > 256 ram, any day, PC133 or DDR or not. I had tried to get my mother interested in playing, since it would be neat to be able to play it with her every now and then, but she didn’t find it interesting at all. Maybe when I get my computer up and running and I have the chance to show her some of the cooler stuff she’ll give it a chance, who knows.

I went for a walk today, and I saw a injured squirrel. I first saw it sitting very still on a pavement driveway, and it hit me odd that it never attempted to move as I went by. I later guessed that it must have fallen from a tree, right to that spot, and either broken it’s leg or it’s hip from the fall. I was only going a little bit further down and then turning around, and decided I would check on it again on the way back. As I was approaching the driveway, I saw the squirrel try to sprint across the road to avoid me, and to my shock it fell on it’s side. It waited a second, and then started to scamper off again, only this time it totally rolled over to the right and stopped. It paused another second and yet again it sprang forward, only to get a couple more feet and either roll over or fall over. Rinse and repeat, over and over. It continued to do this all the way down another driveway across the street from where I first saw it. I felt so helpless, being unable to do anything for it. I knew I would never be able to catch it, and attempting to following it would only cause it more pain since it would naturally try to get away from me. The sight of the poor thing nearly made me cry.

This evening I also went over to my sister’s house and helped them get some stuff started on their computer. The computer was already hooked up when I got there, which I was sort of unhappy about… I had hoped that most of my time there would be spent plugging in cords and what not, but now my whole time would be spent playing teacher. Though, if I do say so myself, I did a *horrible* job… I’ve never been that good at explaining things, especially over something as so vast as computers. I don’t know where to begin, or how best to make a point. And Morgan kept pulling and tugging at my fingers, wanting me to look at something or pick her up, or touching the keyboard when she was sitting in my lap while I tried to install stuff. I just don’t have the heart to be mean to her and tell her no, and felt bad and helpless when my sister or Todd would yell at her for being in the way or being bad. By the end of the evening they had to take her to bed for being too hyper, and Debbie had to stay with her for a good 20 minutes after while she continued to screamed and cry. By that time my stomach was just feeling awful, and I was getting hot flashes… When Todd went to go help Debbie with Morgan, I whispered to my dad about not feeling well and wanted to leave soon. I felt bad about it, but what could I really do? I assured them over and over that there’s little they can do to break the computer, and that troubleshooting and messing around with it themselves would be their best way to learn. We had arrived right at 7:30, and left around 9. I’ll come back another day and help, maybe this time after Morgan has gone to bed. My dad bought Chic-Fil-A for us for dinner, but we didn’t eat it til we got home.

On the way into town, I saw a single star in the sky… and like I like to do from time to time, I entertained myself by making a wish. I don’t really believe it will come true, but sometimes just the hope of it working is enough to do great things. All I wished for was for help… help in getting myself where I need to go, and help in being the person I need to be. When I was finished, I looked out the window to my right and saw a sky full of stars. Doesn’t that just figure. It was the story of my life, all summed up: I always seem make my wishes on the wrong stars.

After having spent most of yesterday crying, my eyes still feel puffy and heavy. I keep having the urge to take naps, though when I lay down I do nothing but think and toss and turn. I had no choice to take my contacts out last night because my eyes just kept burning.

Sigh. I called about another job today. 15-20 hours a week, $7 an hour. I’d get $350 or so a month, and that’d be enough to pay all my bills, pay $70 off on my credit card a month, and still have around $50-$60 a month leftover for whatever. It’s not alot… but it’s a job reference and some office related work experience. But what’s the point of getting ahead of myself. The secretary took my name and number and told me I would get a call back shortly.

To make matters worse… something suspicious showed up on a chest x-ray my mother did sometime last week. She had originally gotten them to see if there could be anything there that could contribute to her recent (dramatic) weight loss… and I suppose cancer could do just that, though I don’t really know much about anything relating to that. My mother has bought some nicotine patches, and is supposed to be starting them tomorrow. While I wish she had considered them ages ago, and I wish she had a different motivator than fear now… I am truly happy she is going to try. I’m going to support her as much as possible. At the moment, my father knows nothing of her buying them… because he will only say “I told you so,” “you should have started this a long time ago,” etc. The man is incapable of compassion or support, so there’s really no point wasting time expecting it from him.

He’s gotten to the point where he openly curses at innocent receptionists over bills and other conflicts… as if they’re going to help him if he’s being so rude. When he gets off the phone with them, he does nothing but sit there ranting insults and threats to himself out loud, including saying he wishes he could “go down there and shoot them all.”

I am ashamed to even know him, much less admit we’re genetically linked.

Everything seems to go wrong at once. My mother could have cancer, I’m having difficulty getting a job, and I’m trapped with the most evil and heartless men I’ve ever met… ugh. The only real thing I have to look forward to are my mother’s next 4 days off, possibly renting and reading the LOTR books (now that I’ve seen all the movies), and the silly little raids that happen in DAoC. Oh boy, oh boy.

Here’s me taking a stab at being positive: Today is Matt and I’s 19 month anniversary. Yay. I so wish he was here… I need hugs now more than ever.

Had a simply horrible day. I’d like to rant on and on about it, and maybe I will another day… But if I get into it too much right now, I’ll probably make myself cry. And for once, I don’t want to take the “healthy” method… I want to bottle it up and forget it for as long as possible. I don’t want to let it get to me.

I rescheduled my interview yesterday for 10 AM today. I woke up at 8 after a much better night’s rest, and had planned at leaving at 9:30. My father told me that my mother wanted me to call her at 8:30, and I did at 8:40. She said she still didn’t feel comfortable about me going to the interview, and wanted me to meet her at Giant so we could go together. I was frustrated that it would mess up the schedule I had planned, but otherwise I was fine with it. I don’t like going places alone, and I still was a bit nervous about him and the neighborhood. My father even asked if I wanted him to get dressed and come with me, and threw an insult at me when I told him no. (“Well you must have missed the boat if you don’t think this guy is suspicious.”)

I wore my white button down shirt again, and a grey skirt and new “professional looking” black shoes. I clipped my hair back off of my face. I thought I was looking rather nice. I grabbed my blue folder, which held a copy of my resume, and left around 9:20. It was rainy and chilly, but not that cold yet. During the drive I ate cinnamon tictacs and sang along with the radio. I was in a good mood. I pulled up next to my mom in the Giant parking lot and got into her car. As I got in she told me I looked nice, the skirt looked good on me, and that made me feel even better.

The drive there took roughly 15 or so minutes. We had light conversation and joked around a little. I was doing my best not to think about the upcoming interview, since there was no need to make myself panic and sabotage my own efforts. I didn’t preplan any of my possible responses, or think about what sort of questions I would be asked. I just got there, got out of the car, and walked down the same hallway I had spent an hour waiting for him in before.

I lightly knocked on the door. He was quiet for a few uncomfortable seconds, almost leading me to think he wasn’t here again today, until I heard him clear his throat. He was much younger than I thought he would be.. blond hair, glasses, and had some sort of blue fleece sweatshirt on and jeans. Thinking back to it now, he looked sort of blankly at me… as if wondering what I was doing there. I introduced myself, and then remembered my mother standing behind me and felt it was only polite to introduce her to him as well. Robert (the man at the door) said “you (me) come in here, and, uh, mom you stay outside.”

The door had just closed when he asked me, “So do you always bring your mother to work with you, Chrisy?” I was sort of taken back by this comment… I had not expected it. In the split instant I took to decide, I thought it’d be best not to talk down about my mother’s worry for me… so I responded, “Oh, no, she was just concerned.” He sat down in his computer chair, and bluntly said “Well, you’re not really what I had in mind. I’m looking for someone older.” My heart sank, but I was still foolishly hopeful. I said, “Yeah, I thought that might be a problem.” Which had been on my mind… it would have been naive of me not to think that my age be a very negative first impression. Robert stood up from his chair, and said “Sorry, I have nothing to offer you,” and opened the door. I walked out, and met my mother before she even made it to the front doors. She looked at me, and asked what happened… and I told her to “just keep going.” I could feel my throat start to get tighter at the very idea of just repeating what happened, and wanted to be outside, out of earshot, before I even tried.

As soon as I made it out the door I started spilling out what happened. My first reaction was to be upset with my mother, since that was the first thing Robert had chose to attack. I got fussy with her and slammed my door as I got in the car. As we were sitting in the car, both me and her in disbelief, my mother said “heh, suspicious!” This whole time she has seen him as some sort of killer or rapist, and she saw him rejecting me like that as proof that he had wanted me to come alone so he could take advantage of me. I told her, no… he meant what he said. I knew my age would be a factor, and my mother being there only enhanced my only real visible flaw. Robert probably had told himself he would only accept the “best” for his business, had probably spent months of time psyching himself up so he wouldn’t back down on his standards. He probably believes you have to be a dick to people to get what you want. Robert probably thought he was doing me a favor, letting me know that unless I’m an under privileged middle aged mother, I have no right thinking I can just walk onto the job market… someone my age should still be in college, or deep-frying his fast food lunch.

On the way back to my mother’s work, I sat in silence and cried. I felt humiliated. The whole morning I had tried my best to stay confident, to think that I could actually get this job… and all of it was shot down in less than a minute. I didn’t think I did anything wrong; in fact, I had even tried to be compassionate about how horrible Friday must have been for him… yet for some reason he felt the need to punish me for wasting 5 minutes of this time.

My mother talked me into going inside Gaint for a while with her. I had mentioned wanting to see a movie, so my mother said I could look in the phone book they had behind the counter. She also wanted to tell Mary about what had just happened, so I could near Mary agree about how shitty that was for him to say that to me, and how I wouldn’t want to work for someone like him anyway. Mary even suggested turning him into the police for wanting to pay people under the table, which, quite honestly, was tempting. When I saw that the phone book didn’t have the number of the theater I wanted to go to, I just told my mother I would just drive by and check. I hugged her, she apologized again, and I left.

Luckily for me, Return of the King was playing at 11AM, and I had gotten there at 10:50. I bought the ticket for $5.50 and went straight into the theater… did not even bother getting food or drink since I knew I didn’t have the cash on me for it. Over all, the movie was good, though probably my least favorite of the trilogy. It seemed the director had gotten tired with working on the same project for years, and it showed. There were so many moments where I just wanted to break down and cry, and they weren’t even over dramatic things… I was just still touchy and emotional from the “interview” and everything was pressing my buttons. Add in the fact that I didn’t feel comfortable crying alone, and well… just ended up giving myself a pounding headache from pinching back tears.

When I got home, my mother was already there. I was glad… The main reason why I had not wanted to come home after the interview was because I didn’t want to tell my father what happened. I had no idea how he would react, but I knew he would never be understanding or compassionate. And just like I suspected, he wasn’t… The whole evening he wouldn’t even look at me. He barley spoke to me.

The only words he did say to me were about and relating to the new student loan payment that is starting in February. $120/month for 4-5 months. My father had set the bill for it on the table, which is where he always leaves mail for me (and never tells me it’s there… just expects me to find it.) Up until yesterday, I had thought it was junk mail… and had even just considered throwing it away. When I found it what it was, I went online and printed out a deferment (sp?) form, since I obviously can’t pay it now since I’m unemployed. I know that was not what my father had had in mind… what he had wanted to do was to use the bill to put pressure on me to get a job.

That’s what’s so truly sick about it all… my father was probably happy about what happened today. This whole time, he has been completely unsupportive. He thinks he is such a “reluctant hero” to continue to financially support me, and yet still voices his disapproval by verbally bashing me whenever he gets the chance. He honestly doesn’t understand or agree with my desire to take the time to find a job that I can live with. Not one I love, not one that’d make me happy, but one that I can live with. You can tell by the hell he forces my mother go to through at her job, and how he would absolutely go mad if she ever quit to improve her quality of life, how much he values how other people feel. All I want to do is establish a career with a future that won’t make me dread waking up in the morning… yet he sees it as so pointless, such a waste of everyone’s time. He probably thinks I learned a lesson today, just like Robert thinks I did. My father’s silence wasn’t because he didn’t know what to say… it’s because he felt Robert had already done a good enough job talking down to me earlier.

I will not make yet another mistake concerning my future. I threw my future away by fucking up in college, I’m not going to throw away my dreams just to get sucked into a job that will just eat me alive. I know enough about myself that if I get another job like cashiering, it will just kill my motivation. I am too lazy and unmotivated to be able to keep swimming with the weight of general unhappiness tied to my feet. I know this about myself… once I get a job, I will be stuck there. It took alot of courage to quit Giant last September, and I only wish I had had that courage while working at Food Lion.

My father will be in for a big surprise if he expects to bully me into getting a job anywhere other than the places I am trying to get. If my deferment ends up being turned down, then they will just have to reposes my property to pay it. Odds are my father will give them this computer as the first item for auction, but so be it. I don’t care anymore. I’ll just save up and buy another when I get a job I can live with.

I’m starting to think I’m cursed when it comes to finding a job. It seems that every attempt has either made me miserable or the forces at be where not perfectly aligned, and thus everything went as bad as possible.

Today was really no different.

I woke up today at 7AM so that I’d have enough time to get ready. I spent all night waking up every couple of hours and checking the clock… why I was, I wish I knew. It seems to come so naturally now whenever I have my alarm set at an early time. I had tried to think ahead, and had gone to bed at 11:30, betting that I’d be asleep before 12… when it wasn’t until 1 that I finally turned off my TV. And even then, I wasn’t particularly tired.

I got showered and dressed just fine. I was cranky and tired, but I still managed to be ready to go by 8:20, even while taking my time. I put on a skirt that belong to my mother, and wore my only real “classy” white button-down shirt. For shoes… my mother gave me some knee-high stockings (when my mother handed them to me, all I replied with was “Socks.”) that matched perfectly with the flip flops I wore. It looked god awful, but it was the extent of my options.

My father actually had the nerve this morning to try to encourage me to read this article in the paper about “get rich quick schemes.” The one in the paper particularly focused around one incident where a woman was just passing on e-mails and such as a side income, and it was discovered it had been for a terrorist organization. And why did my father tell me to read this? Because he actually lets the hype of the news reports to get him to the point where he was honestly suspicious of the guy I was meeting with today of being linked to something similar as to what was in the paper. I was in disbelief that he could really come to that conclusion, and expect me to take him seriously. He never mentioned one word of “wisdom” about how this man could be a sexual offender or a serial killer, no… but that I should keep a look out encase he’s wearing a turban or watch for packages laced with white powder.

My mother and I left around 9. I did not really think anything of her coming… it ensured that I’d even be able to find the place, and she would serve as my savior encase I did not feel comfortable being alone with my interviewer. We did fine getting there, despite the odd directions. The area was really run down, and made me a little nervous. Twice we had to drive over train tracks, and there weren’t any rail road crossing signals by them… so either I assume trains no longer run on them, you have to use your best judgement on it

When we got there, we discovered this guy had not even given me the right name for the building… he had said “Silven”, while the building was “Sylvania.” To my mother, he was looking less and less credible, while I was still trying to have hope that maybe he was just starting his business.

The inside of the building actually looked really nice compared to the outside area. We walked down the small hallway, and just like he had said, it was office 128 on the left… but the lights were off and the door was closed. I gave my mother a puzzling look, and when I turned around I saw another woman walking to us. I asked her if she was here for an interview as well, and we said yes. She said she had been waiting there since 9 for him, since that’s when her interview was.

She told us that Robert (the guy who I contacted and who we were supposed to meet) had called her yesterday to reschedule her interview, since he had accidently locked his keys in his office yesterday afternoon. He had only called her about it because her interview was to happen after he had locked the keys in, and was just calling to reschedule the appointment today at 9. It was pretty obvious he still didn’t have his keys, and now we were left to wait. Christine (the other woman waiting for an interview) kept trying to get ahold of him on her cell phone, but he wasn’t answering it.

In the meantime we all talked about numerous things… about how odd Robert had seemed on the phone, and we talked about tattoos a bit. (Side note: Christine was able to tell me why my tattoo faded. Though the tattoo parlor I went to had warned me about not using lotion, they never mentioned vaseline. In the winter of 2001/2002, when my tattoo got dry and uncomfortable, I had gotten used to just smearing some vaseline on it to keep the skin from feeling taunt and dry, since I couldn’t use lotion… but apparently both were bad. Oh well I guess, live and learn.)

While we waited, we flagged down two girls that had just picked up some lunch from a nearby deli. We asked them if they knew anything about the man who used office 128, and they both said they had never seen anyone there. They offered to call up to the “main building” (forget correct name) and see if they could at least find out the company name for us, since Robert hadn’t told me or Christine what it was. When we discovered that people in the main building were also not in as well, we thanked them for their help and walked back out into the hallway.

It was getting frustrating, so Christine tried calling Robert’s cell phone a couple times in a row, trying annoy him into answering it. Apparently spam calls were effective, because he finally picked up. He told her that he had anticipated on getting a spare key from the main building, but since they weren’t there (like we had found out as well) he had to call a locksmith. The locksmith was supposed to be there at noon, but for some reason I didn’t think they’d be there on time… dunno, just my sixth sense. He had said if we wanted to come back after 12, then we could do the interviews then. As me, my mother, and Christine were leaving (since we didn’t want to wait around for another hour + for him to show up), two other women came in and started to stand in front of his door. I felt awful for not going down there and telling them what we knew, but apparently both my mother and Christine thought it’d be a good thing if they got frustrated enough and never came back Less competition I guess.

After leaving, my mother dragged me to GNC and then the shoe store. We got me some acceptable “dressy shoes” (they look really pain and boring, not sexy at all… which is just what I wanted) and I looked at purses but didn’t like any of them. After that we ate at IHOP and went home. We could have gone back to see if Robert was finally there, but I was betting that he wasn’t… besides. It had become apparent to me that he had scheduled interviews on each hour of today (Christine at 9, me at 10, those two ladies we saw were probably there for the 11 o’clock..) and figured he’d be dealing with a big enough mess without adding to it, especially when I felt so tired and awful as it was. I decided I just wanted to get home and sleep, and make plans to call him tomorrow and setup another interview on a day that will be less hectic for him. Plus, the next time I come out for an interview maybe I’ll remember to bring a copy of my resume and proper contact information for my only job experience (Food Lion) instead of completely forgetting like I did today.

If he hires someone before then, oh well. My mother was looking down on him for being unprofessional, but me being who I am, instantly felt sorry for him. While this day sucked really bad for me, but I can’t imagine how bad he must feel to have made so many appointments and then having to let everyone down because he made a careless mistake. Course, the fact that he didn’t even bother to call me to tell me this had happened is shitty… but maybe his guilt kept him from doing it. Or whatever, I don’t know.

When I came home, I told Matt what happened and went to sleep right after. I think was out for a good 2 hours, which only proved just how completely exhausted I was… usually I can’t do more than a 1 hour catnap, just cause it feels so unnatural going to sleep during the day for me.

Maybe the next meeting will go better, who knows. Or maybe everything will fall apart and not go right, just like usual, simply because I’m involved with it. I have such horrible luck… sometimes I feel finding Matt must have been a mistake, because that’s the only way I could have ever gotten so lucky.

First off: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I had meant to write one last entry in 2003, maybe citing all the important moments and things that were special to me… But I was in such a daze of doing quests in DAoC and watching the Sex and the City marathon on HBO that I was shocked when I saw people in my guild saying “Happy New Year EST!” I had trouble believing it was that time already. I totally missed watching the ball drop too. But oh well I guess.

I’m still half asleep, and not really up for writing an entry… but I guess I should get this written down now before something happens tomorrow that will ruin it.

I decided to follow up on a very vague add in the paper… Office work, no experience necessary, will train. When I called the number listed, I was shocked to find that it was a cell phone… I didn’t leave a message when given the chance, and figured I should call again to make sure I had the number right before leaving contact information. Sure enough, I called the same number, and this time the owner of the phone answered. I’m sure I came off as one of those annoying people who will keep calling a number until someone picked up, and though I tried to sneak an apology into the conversation, he seemed to be a little rushed so I never really had the chance.

For some reason he wanted to continue the conversation on a “more stable” line (I think that’s what he said) and he called me back from, I would guess, either his office or home phone. First thing I asked him was the job description, and I was delighted to hear things like “mailing advertisements,” “boring,” and “no phones.” He told me that right now he was moreso seeing if I would be good for the job, and I would not be put on a payroll just yet (if that makes sense… think it was just code for “officially hiring” me) and that he’d be paying me 80$ day. I could have that in either daily or weekly checks, whichever I preferred. He said that at first, he’d need me to have a flexible schedule, and that that would include a few weekends to start. As long as “flexible” doesn’t mean calling me on a day off and saying: “OMFG come in here now I need you omg everything is going to hell and you’re the only one who can fix it get here or you’re fired.” I think I’d rather be fired than be called in.

The majority of the conversation was about giving me directions to get there. He asked me if I knew the area well, and I lied and said yes… only because my parents know it well, and that’s basically the same thing. He said he still needed me to come in and fill out an application, and we arranged a time and date for that. I had told him I could come in tomorrow, but when he hung up the phone he said he would see me at Friday at 10AM. I had decided to go with that time instead of tomorrow, as he may have written down exactly what he said, even though he might have gotten the days mixed up. If he finds himself thinking I’m late today, hopefully he’ll refer to whatever he wrote down and then not be upset.

When I go in tomorrow, my mother is going to come with me… just to help me with the directions, and just encase this guy is a creep. I don’t know if I want her to come into the building with me… that might be a bit much. Especially considering he might not expect me to be 21 years old. I’m not going to be naive, I know that will be a factor against me… but oh well. I need to try on some of my mother’s outfits so I can get a casual/professional look going, as my typical suite I wear to all this sort of stuff has a much more summery look to it, and would just look odd if I wore it in the middle of winter.

Anyway… I’m going to go eat shrimp, possibly go to the movie store (ehhhhhh… this was decided that we would go without asking me, when I could care less about renting movies today) and try on clothes for tomorrow.