The First Snow of the Season
While I was decorating the tree, my father noticed it was snowing outside. Though it was not of blizzard caliber it was still noticeable and steady, creating a light dusting on the trees and rocks. I had insisted on putting up an actual Christmas tree this year (rather than my mother's 3 foot tall hassle [and cheer] free substitute of '02) in hopes of bringing out more holiday spirit here, and the snow falling just added a final touch to my moment. I only ended up decorating the tree half way, as while I took a break for lunch my father finished decorating it. It looks welcoming and playful, full of blues, golds, and silvers. I would have preferred a tree with colored lights, but we've somehow "misplaced" all nonwhite lights and any ornaments that would even come close to matching the pinks and greens found in a multicolor string. While our Christmas tree is still dazzling, it's still missing the childish flair I had been yearning for. But that's alright... soon my desk will be a beacon of rainbow colors. That is, if I can motivate myself to do so.
I am still without a job, and have (obviously, considering the lack of updates) fallen into the same pattern I found myself in last year... heavily addicted to DAoC. Lucky, it doesn't have a complete death grip on me, and I have no problem being away from the game for long lengths of time. My only problem seems to be when I am bothered during the times I set aside to play, I become very irritable and whiny... but that also seems to be norm reaction for anyone who grew up as an only child. At my core I am typical, through and through.
Matt spent 8 days here during his school's Thanksgiving break. Though he's only been gone for 5 days, it feels like 2 weeks. It's an indescribable feeling that with every visit I have with him, the more content I become with our relationship. I guess that statement would seem odd to anyone who has never been trapped in a relationship that was 80% disappointment... but for me it's the biggest compliment I could ever give the bond Matt and I have created. Today is just two days shy of our year and a half mark, and it feels like all the time has just flown by. We do have our arguments (mostly caused by myself... sometimes I am left speechless at the lengths I'll subconsciously go to sabotage my own happiness), and we do have our differences... but somehow we manage to compliment each other in so many ways that it allows me to be the person I am inside my head with him. The one who is never truly one personality type, and just lets all my flaws hang out in the open, knowing full well that he'll never judge me for them or ever use it against me. That's beautiful, to be able to securely expose yourself like that. I am usually always so trusting, but never have I felt so comfortable in doing so. In the past, I used to envy the relationships I on shows like Sex and the City... and now I feel as though I have them all beat, and wonder how I ever tolerated all my issues with Alan while bliss like this existed...
The very fact that he'll take the time to hear my voice, to respond to my needs... is immeasurable. For years me and Alan "talked" about how to help me enjoy our intimate moments together, but that's all it ever was... just talk. He would seemingly forget that I deserved to feel good as well, and kept oblivious to the fact that he may need to put in more effort than just enough to get himself off. I, of course, felt that it would be greedy of myself to interrupt and suggest something different that might benefit us both rather than just him... so I never did. With Matt... when we do talk about it, I can tell that he honestly cares about bringing me pleasure. While he was here, the fact that I was able to freely make a suggestion (but don't get me wrong, it was difficult to find the right words and the right time... even though it just sort of erupted out of me when he asked me what was wrong. Nothing truly was "wrong"... my thinking face just tends to always look like I'm upset 
is just another example of how love can truly open doors. I never thought I could be any more open or close to someone than I already am on a regular basis to all the people I allow in my life... but I recently discovered I am like the other 90% of the world, and do keep certain amount of myself locked behind a door. There's things there I didn't even know about myself, but am beginning to understand. It took 10 years of love experience to finally set me free... and I can never thank Matt enough for giving me that.
I am going to be turning this site into a blog, because I have yet again pinpointed something else that turns me off about updating this site: the pressure to write 10 page entries to fill out a "journal" theme. By going back to a blog style, I can post whatever length of entry that I want and not feel obligated by anything. There should be a new layout soon as well, if I can get motivated.