Hooplah.Org A Story of Graceful Stumbles

The jig is up

In due time there is always something that comes along that will knock me off my high horse and let me see myself for what I really am. Something pulls up the covers and reveals my dirty tricks in a light that I had been refusing to view them in. I get glimpses of what I must seem like to others, and most always I see traits that I usually find sad in other people. Often it stings and it's always embarrassing, being able to see through your own transparent lies and excuses for the first time... but to grow, sometimes we need to be humbled by our own mistakes. Sometimes shame is the biggest motivator of all.

As Matt has been becoming more and more open with the fact that he's having trouble supporting my reasons for still being unemployed, I have been left admitting to things that are very difficult for me to say. Statements like "I'm aware that I'm just stalling and wasting my time" bring up so much guilt that it makes my heart race. Added with the fact that his response to it is to not even acknowledge that I said it, to just let it live in it's own wake... there's no fancy words to describe what that makes me feel like other than awful, horrible, pitiful... like the failure I seem to so content to be in the comfort of my mind is now it's out in the open for everyone to disapprove of.

Not to be misunderstood, Matt has always seemed to be 100% behind me on everything in the past. But then again, given the new light that's been shed and the pattern I can form from his responses, I'm not completely confident with that statement. Possibly there were other things, little things, that he hid behind the same mask that he once hid is frustration over me being unemployed. But even if he did, it doesn't really matter... I'd rather not ever find out.

But beside all of that. The worst part about this situation is that most of the time I did not know I was doing it. Though obviously in some aspects I did... in my moments of self pity I would scold myself for letting this go on as long as it has, and promise that tomorrow I'd take some real action to get my life in order. But then the next day would come, and something would happen that would make me think I "couldn't" go. For example, yesterday... I actually got showered, put on makeup, and got dressed. While I honestly was feeling horrible muscle pain (from smoothing out gravel in our driveway yesterday) and my head was throbbing from some freak headache (that 3 ib profin couldn't seem to touch) I could have gone to get the applications. I could have driven, even though it would have been uncomfortable, and I could have easily walked around the mall to get the applications, even though each footstep would have made my head sting... I could have done all of that just by putting one foot in front of the other and doing it. But I didn't... even though I could have done it, I just didn't feel like it. Add in the fact that because my father had spoken with Dianna this morning, and the idea that I could contact her about the job offer she made to me Tuesday (same one she made me back in March, basically) I came up with the logic in my mind that I didn't want to go to town feeling like shit when maybe Dianna could tell me that she had a job for me. You know... why put myself through that when in the end I didn't really need to.

Even writing this I have to struggle to use the "true" words and not my over exaggerated words to describe the situations. I stretch the truth, I put more emphasis on things that are really unimportant, and I twist things into my favor... I do all of that simply so I can get approval from others about what I am doing. And the worst part about it all, is that as soon as someone agrees... then I believe it to. I'm not cackling in my seat of how tricky I am and how foolish they are to believe me... but I actually feel relieved and feel happier with myself.

For so long I've looked down on those who need the approval of others to feel better and more secure about themselves... and here I am doing it. I'd like to nitpick and point out that I only seek the opinions of those I respect, but it's all the same really. Whether I need 1000 people to agree with me or 1, it's still the same thing. I've been avoiding having to answer to myself when that is the only person I should have to answer to.

I need to be made aware when I'm doing nothing but making excuses. Saying "get off your ass and get a job!" won't work... I have to be called on what it is I'm doing, not what I'm not doing. I won't like it, I'll get angry and upset... but my temper usually passes into nothing but a bad mood in a matter of minutes when I know it's really my own fault. That's something else I don't like admitting either, but I'm already on a roll so I might as well go with it.

The past few days I've felt guilty about eating the food here, or running the water to take a bath... like just the feeling of my father's disapproval of what I'm doing makes me lose my appetite or think I could skip a day for a shower. That's part of the reason why I was so willing to help smooth the gravel out on Tuesday and Thursday (since my father ordered too much of it, and cars were skidding while trying to pull up the driveway), so that maybe it could seem that if I helped out some, maybe his opinion of me would rise a little. Maybe I could earn my keep for a few more days and buy myself some more time to do... nothing. :ehh:

I don't know why I'm writing this entry. I didn't want to write something else that makes it seem as if I'm looking for pity, or even something that looks like I'm wanting support... but I suppose that's always the downside of an online journal. When you have negative feelings, there's never any "good" way to vent them so others won't draw shitty and untrue opinions. Two "downer" entries in a row and someone might start to think I'm a depressed person. Two upbeat entries and someone might think I don't have a real grasp on the world, since nobody can ever be *that* happy. This is not the true representation of how I am or how I feel... but merely the thoughts that pass through my mind in the hour or two I take to type. I put them here so they won't affect me as much emotionally as they possibly could if I kept them bottled up. I know I write as if the things I say are tremendous births on the world, as if it is the first time anyone has ever captured these feelings into words... and I don't know how to excuse that, other than to say they are those things to me. I've had many miniature breakthroughs while typing entries, and alot of the time they go undetected by everyone else. Sometimes I try to force my revelations, and sometimes I try to capture exactly what it feels like to be riding the wave that I'm on. Most of the time I feel as though I didn't do it right, and become embarrassed over my efforts. All the other times when I feel confident someone will say something that brings it all down. It's an endless drama circle... and that's probably why I love it so much.

Sometimes I'd almost be willing to switch back to a handwritten journal, if I had the will to take 10x longer to write out what I want to say and be willing to endure hand cramps... If I had the patience, I would. Luckily, I don't.