Hooplah.Org

I found a pretty amazing add in the paper… they are looking for someone with computer knowledge (including MS Windows, Word, and Excel), excellent phone manner, writing and math skills important, web design or accounting experience a plus. The computer knowledge I have, I can write fairly well when I try, been doing web design for personal reasons for 5 years, and I took two accounting classes in high school… The only downsides are the math skills (as I’m not sure how much they mean by that) and the phone manner I suppose if I can prove of being extremely qualified in all the other tasks, maybe I could lose some responsibility on the phone… or something :ehh:

My mother keeps saying that if I had a phone with volume control then it’d be better… but it’s not that I couldn’t hear. The tone was loud enough… it’s just I couldn’t make out the words they were saying. If I turned up the volume, it would only be a loud “Ssdf wljrk kdfjs dfl wedfksj” to me. Whether it’s from being nervous, or how I seem to lose touch with reality when I try to impress (like if I need to read something while someone is waiting, I try to read it fast but end up not knowing what I read, since I naturally read slow… sort of like that, I guess), it’s still an issue with me. I know it’s there, and whether I can find a way around it or not, I’d rather not waste someone’s time with it even trying when they’re probably looking for someone “bug free.”

It’d only be for 20-25 hours a week, between 9-5… and to me, that’s perfect. And it would look great as a reference in the future. The only downside? They want me to e-mail them my resume… and though I’ve been trying, I have *no* idea how to include all the qualifications I have in it, as the majority of them do not come from work experience. I got a book from the library a couple of weeks ago that explains how to write good resumes, and I’ve read quite a bit of it… but it’s not being of any help on how I can fit those “recreational skills” in there. And, on top of that, I’m having difficulty even knowing what to put for the job objective So, erm… if anyone that reads this knows a little about resume writing (and you’re feeling generous drop me a line…

On other news… I apparently have developed some weird form of allergies. I’m not sniffling or anything, though I do have a sore throat. What’s so debilitating about it is that I get a horrible sinus headache that makes my whole face throb with any sudden movement. I mentioned having on in my last entry, and saying that 3 ib profin didn’t relieve the pain what-so-ever for it. The only thing that did work was Benadryl, but I usually end up being asleep for the majority of the time it is working. I had always thought that sinus headaches were caused by pressure, but my sinuses are “clear”… and it’s as if just the agitation alone is causing all of this pain. And it’s not just in my sinuses that hurt, it’s also in the back of my head/top of my neck. And, in truth… if I heard someone else describe these symptoms, I wouldn’t believe it had anything to do with allergies. What makes me think it does is that it started after I began opening my window during the day/night instead of running my window AC, since the air outside was cool enough to keep my room at a decent temperature. Last night I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I closed my window and turned on my AC as an experiment… and sure enough, that evening my headache lifted fully for the first time in a week. Right now, my father is trying to save money had has turned off the house AC and has all the windows open… so my headache is slowly coming back.

I want to call Stephen and see if he’d like to meet me at the mall sometime this week while I walk around and pick up applications. I haven’t seen him in ages (since sometime in July, I think) and I always liked just walking around the mall and talking. Not really even going into shops, just walking and talking… seem the most interesting subjects come up during that. I suppose it was Vince who got me into liking that. I wonder when the last time he did that was. I think he graduated college last year… I wonder where he is now…

To this day, Vince always makes me think of Unsent. Whenever I have the courage to listen to it, I have difficulty deciding which letter I could fit us into… or even if I have the right to try to fit “us” anywhere at all. Odd how times change, people leave, memories linger…

Woo, drifted there. I, being the slob that I am, have yet again lost Stephen’s phone number. Every time I write it down and put in a spot for safe keeping, I swear it grows legs and slinks away. I have a phone number that looks “suspicious” on one of the million post-it notes I keep around my desk with misc info on them, but with my phone phobia I’m afraid to call it and have it be the wrong number. Or, even worse, have it be Stephen’s father’s work phone… which I somehow got the number to once and just felt awful about calling it once his father told me. It’s all his fault, he should have never of moved and changed his phone number! I still remember the one to his old house So… uhm… STEPHEN… if you’re reading this, call meh. And while we’re out, we can get your phone numbers tattooed to my forehead.

I had started out today in a better mood. That will probably change once the headache that is now forming starts to eat me alive. Ooo, and don’t forget… any resume savy people… share the wealth!

In due time there is always something that comes along that will knock me off my high horse and let me see myself for what I really am. Something pulls up the covers and reveals my dirty tricks in a light that I had been refusing to view them in. I get glimpses of what I must seem like to others, and most always I see traits that I usually find sad in other people. Often it stings and it’s always embarrassing, being able to see through your own transparent lies and excuses for the first time… but to grow, sometimes we need to be humbled by our own mistakes. Sometimes shame is the biggest motivator of all.

As Matt has been becoming more and more open with the fact that he’s having trouble supporting my reasons for still being unemployed, I have been left admitting to things that are very difficult for me to say. Statements like “I’m aware that I’m just stalling and wasting my time” bring up so much guilt that it makes my heart race. Added with the fact that his response to it is to not even acknowledge that I said it, to just let it live in it’s own wake… there’s no fancy words to describe what that makes me feel like other than awful, horrible, pitiful… like the failure I seem to so content to be in the comfort of my mind is now it’s out in the open for everyone to disapprove of.

Not to be misunderstood, Matt has always seemed to be 100% behind me on everything in the past. But then again, given the new light that’s been shed and the pattern I can form from his responses, I’m not completely confident with that statement. Possibly there were other things, little things, that he hid behind the same mask that he once hid is frustration over me being unemployed. But even if he did, it doesn’t really matter… I’d rather not ever find out.

But beside all of that. The worst part about this situation is that most of the time I did not know I was doing it. Though obviously in some aspects I did… in my moments of self pity I would scold myself for letting this go on as long as it has, and promise that tomorrow I’d take some real action to get my life in order. But then the next day would come, and something would happen that would make me think I “couldn’t” go. For example, yesterday… I actually got showered, put on makeup, and got dressed. While I honestly was feeling horrible muscle pain (from smoothing out gravel in our driveway yesterday) and my head was throbbing from some freak headache (that 3 ib profin couldn’t seem to touch) I could have gone to get the applications. I could have driven, even though it would have been uncomfortable, and I could have easily walked around the mall to get the applications, even though each footstep would have made my head sting… I could have done all of that just by putting one foot in front of the other and doing it. But I didn’t… even though I could have done it, I just didn’t feel like it. Add in the fact that because my father had spoken with Dianna this morning, and the idea that I could contact her about the job offer she made to me Tuesday (same one she made me back in March, basically) I came up with the logic in my mind that I didn’t want to go to town feeling like shit when maybe Dianna could tell me that she had a job for me. You know… why put myself through that when in the end I didn’t really need to.

Even writing this I have to struggle to use the “true” words and not my over exaggerated words to describe the situations. I stretch the truth, I put more emphasis on things that are really unimportant, and I twist things into my favor… I do all of that simply so I can get approval from others about what I am doing. And the worst part about it all, is that as soon as someone agrees… then I believe it to. I’m not cackling in my seat of how tricky I am and how foolish they are to believe me… but I actually feel relieved and feel happier with myself.

For so long I’ve looked down on those who need the approval of others to feel better and more secure about themselves… and here I am doing it. I’d like to nitpick and point out that I only seek the opinions of those I respect, but it’s all the same really. Whether I need 1000 people to agree with me or 1, it’s still the same thing. I’ve been avoiding having to answer to myself when that is the only person I should have to answer to.

I need to be made aware when I’m doing nothing but making excuses. Saying “get off your ass and get a job!” won’t work… I have to be called on what it is I’m doing, not what I’m not doing. I won’t like it, I’ll get angry and upset… but my temper usually passes into nothing but a bad mood in a matter of minutes when I know it’s really my own fault. That’s something else I don’t like admitting either, but I’m already on a roll so I might as well go with it.

The past few days I’ve felt guilty about eating the food here, or running the water to take a bath… like just the feeling of my father’s disapproval of what I’m doing makes me lose my appetite or think I could skip a day for a shower. That’s part of the reason why I was so willing to help smooth the gravel out on Tuesday and Thursday (since my father ordered too much of it, and cars were skidding while trying to pull up the driveway), so that maybe it could seem that if I helped out some, maybe his opinion of me would rise a little. Maybe I could earn my keep for a few more days and buy myself some more time to do… nothing. :ehh:

I don’t know why I’m writing this entry. I didn’t want to write something else that makes it seem as if I’m looking for pity, or even something that looks like I’m wanting support… but I suppose that’s always the downside of an online journal. When you have negative feelings, there’s never any “good” way to vent them so others won’t draw shitty and untrue opinions. Two “downer” entries in a row and someone might start to think I’m a depressed person. Two upbeat entries and someone might think I don’t have a real grasp on the world, since nobody can ever be *that* happy. This is not the true representation of how I am or how I feel… but merely the thoughts that pass through my mind in the hour or two I take to type. I put them here so they won’t affect me as much emotionally as they possibly could if I kept them bottled up. I know I write as if the things I say are tremendous births on the world, as if it is the first time anyone has ever captured these feelings into words… and I don’t know how to excuse that, other than to say they are those things to me. I’ve had many miniature breakthroughs while typing entries, and alot of the time they go undetected by everyone else. Sometimes I try to force my revelations, and sometimes I try to capture exactly what it feels like to be riding the wave that I’m on. Most of the time I feel as though I didn’t do it right, and become embarrassed over my efforts. All the other times when I feel confident someone will say something that brings it all down. It’s an endless drama circle… and that’s probably why I love it so much.

Sometimes I’d almost be willing to switch back to a handwritten journal, if I had the will to take 10x longer to write out what I want to say and be willing to endure hand cramps… If I had the patience, I would. Luckily, I don’t.