My, my, my… It’s been a while
I wonder what it is that I think I am doing. Am I really ok with this? Do I really want to have another year of my life without memories? Well... maybe it's best if I rephrase that. Do I want to spend the years of my youth, that are quickly skooting out from under me, in a virtual world? Just because I am having fun, just because it's what I crave to do... Does that make it right? It has already successfully ruined the only opportunity I had to accomplish the only real goal I ever had in life, do I want it to continue to plague my social and professional life? Will I ever be able to accomplish anything as long as it is constantly swimming through my mind? I look at the other people in the environment around me, and I just don't understand... how do they stay away? How do they not blow off their real life obligations to spend it there? There's so much to do, it's so time consuming... how to they accomplish so much in the little time they have to spare? How will I ever grasp that I could do that too without just saying I can't?
It's just a silly game. You'd think I'd have more control over it... I know what it can do to me, I know what it is doing to me... but do I have the strength to stop it if I had to? I don't know. I promise myself I wouldn't let it consume me this way, that I wouldn't let it eat me alive... but I'm gone. I'm hooked again. I'm terrified of going to work, cause I'm afraid I'll just spend it calling into work and pretending to be sick... just so I can sit here and waste my life away.
But goodness, aren't I being over dramatic. I shouldn't get ahead of myself... that will only aid me in failing more efficiently than before. What's the point of stressing over something that has not happened yet? It's very likely that a distraction, such as work, is just what I need. It is different from school, because by going to work I will actually feel like I am getting something in return. Classes to me always felt like unneeded work that I wasn't getting paid for, so why would I want to waste my time there when I could do what I wanted instead? And to do something that made me feel accomplished, no less... goodness, whatever will I chose. But work will likely to be different. It's very time consuming, and the more I get myself out of the door, the more likely it will be that I'll will crave this less. Not enough to stop playing (I hope) but enough to... have healthy space.
This game has already made me miss writing and celebrating some very big milestones in my life. I met my niece for the first time... it was the first time a child had ever sat in my lap, even if it was for just a moment. I let her see my digital camera, and she held on to it the whole time... and even took a few pictures with it. They were pictures of nothing but blackness, but pictures nonetheless. I got to show my sister my tattoo, and I got to meet my brother-in-law for the first time... whose name has already been lost in my memories. It was the first time that my family and I ever went to her home to visit her, rather than she come to our house or all of us just meeting at a restaurant. We watched CMT and then Nascar, and my sister (yet again) had to ask me if I liked country... I nodded and smiled, since I didn't really want to get into the conversation of how I don't much listen to it anymore. We only stayed for an hour or so... and my father thinks that's enough. He thinks it's "enough" to see her for an hour a month... when my father said this, I told him he might as well not even bother. Either try or don't... bull shitting around it just wastes everyone's time.
Even though I'd love to get to know my niece more, I will probably not see her again for another year. I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of visiting my sister and her family alone, even though I'd love to... over the years she's made it quite clear that she's "my father's daughter", not "my sister". She introduced me as her sister to my brother-in-law's father while we were there, which was a nice touch... But that doesn't change how things really are and have been, and I don't want to waste my time pretending that it did.
I bought my first ever fancy outfit at Kohl's for 50% off ($30 final price), for my first ever interview at Geico. I went, I took a reading comprehension test and a "what would you do" customer service response test, and I passed both of those... I even made it to my first scripted interview. And I believe in a week, I'll receive my first letter saying that they were not interested in hiring me. Why, you ask? Well... if we were to skip the MANY times I just answered the questions in queer and ignorant ways (that's just what spills out of my mouth when I'm nervous and trying my best to sound smart and calm...) then I guess the meat and the potatoes of the problem would be this: because "attendance is a very important factor in Geico's success." When they call my previous employer (Food Lion) inquiring about all the time I called in sick when I was scheduled to come in, they will just turn to my application and laugh. If their expectations are 100% employment for the first 6 months, and then 98% after that, then they would consider hiring me a big risk. I called in sick to Food Lion alot.. either because I was just exhausted from both school and work or because my IBS just wouldn't let me. But does Food Lion have any medical records stating that was the reason I called out? No... even though I told them it was because of my IBS alot, they wanted doctors notes... and damn if I'm going to go to the doctor everytime I feel a little crampy and gassy (and for IBS and the like, a little crampy and gassy is enough to make you not be able to stand for more than a minute, let alone a 5 hour + work shift at a register.) I tried to inform the interviewer of my "condition", assuring her that from my year off from work that for the first time in 5 years I'm totally fine, healthy, and ready to go... but I don't think she even took one note of that. She just looked at me quizzingly and smiled as I said that. So... yeah. If they want to hire me, I'll get a call from them in a week (around this Thursday, really).... even if they don't want me for the customer service jobs, they might want me for something else. But, if they don't want me at all, they'll send me a letter in the mail telling me so. Therefore... I believe I'll be getting my first letter addressed to me (other than bills) in the first time in almost a year... yay!
Why does my past and my health and just everything I enjoy keep ruining my prospective futures.
I'm tired of typing... I'm trying to skill up in tailoring in DAoC so I can start /salvaging and hinging shit so I can make money and afford a huge ass house that I can fill with trophies of purple and pink faeries... and I can't really accomplish that spending all my time writing 
So, yeah. Here's an update for the few people that actually like reading about my sad little life... *hug you all*