Hooplah.Org

Goodness, it’s been a while since I’ve updated. I suppose the reason was because I was waiting for something to happen that I could write about, to stir up the monotony that my posts have been lately… but still no such luck. I had a few chances to go out and do something (like going to see a movie with Sandy [she even offered to pay, which was really sweet of her] or just going for a walk) but I haven’t been able to want to leave the house… for one very silly reason Nearly two weeks ago I decided I would grow out my eyebrows, because I have slowly but surely plucked them very thin and I am now too lazy to spend an hour plucking every week in order to keep up with the new growth. So I’ve been walking around looking like Groucho Marks (sp on name?), while they take their damn time filling in. It doesn’t bother me at all at home and not going anywhere, since I rarely look in the mirror… but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable enough in public to be like this I don’t even want to go out in the yard, in the fear of a chance visit from a friendly neighbor as they do yard work. So, of course, when I know I “can’t” go outside is naturally when I feel the urges to go frolic in the sun. Of course. And my eyebrows don’t even look like they’re anywhere close to fully grown in, since I was “lucky” enough to have (ridiculously) long hair in my eyebrows… they still look sparse, so I still have to wait longer

That was even a little embarrassing to write ;P Wonder just how many people are trying to get a mental picture of me like that. Ugh. Trust me, it’s not pretty.

I’ve been working on layouts like mad. I’ve actually made two that are equally good, which is odd… usually I have to struggle to make one. One of them is more extreme in color, and the other is more subtle, with mornd an colors (I’m big on tan for pages, for some reason). Matt liked the subtle one, and my mother still liked the more extreme one better. I think I’ll probably end up going with the more subtle now, and let that run until I get sick of it… and then bring out the one I’m already sick of, the extreme one Gives me plenty of time to come up with something else in the meantime, since I probably burned alot of creative juice on making two at once. I’ve been working on it all day mostly, and alot of last night. I had tried to talk to Manda some during it (for the first time on IM in, uhm, 3 years?), but I just couldn’t think of anything else to say and ended up just getting swept away in working with the layout. I ignored Matt for a large portion of yesterday while I worked on this layout, and even though I promised today would be different, I have yet to keep that promise But’s it’s no biggie… we’ll probably both me up for another 6 hours, so I have time to make up for it then. That is, if I don’t keep doing page stuff until then :ehh:

So, anyway… I’d suspect the new layout within the next three days or so.

I haven’t played SWG for the past two days. I haven’t really thought about it, either. Maybe the servers always being down so much finally got to me, who knows. I don’t feel the urge to play, but I could… if I wanted to. I thought for sure I’d be addicted, but I certainly don’t feel like I am now.

Other than all those other things, I’m still reading the same book. I’m about 1/2 way through (530ish page) and I almost don’t want to keep reading… I’ve gotten somewhat attached to the characters, but, being since it’s a Stephen King book, they can’t all just magically escape the evil clown and live happily ever after. I want them to soooo bad, but I know it simply won’t happen… all my favorite characters will probably be killed. I just know it. And I really don’t want to read about that, but then… argh. Guess I’ll be reading after this entry is over, now that I’m all hyped up for disappointment.

My father’s going down to Richmond tomorrow. He has an appointment with a doctor down there, and they’ll be arranging the procedure (if that’s what you’d call it?) he’ll be having in the near future. From my understanding, it’s something like dialysis, but I don’t really know exactly what good it’s going to do. They’re simply going to cycle his blood in and out, and this is supposed to help his blood lacking iron… ?? I’m assuming they’ll be doing something to the blood before it comes back in, but who knows. Just all odd. It may be selfish, but I am hoping that the procedure will happen sometime while Matt is here, only so he’ll be out of the house for a couple of days, and Matt and I will be able to have real privacy. Actually… I don’t really care if that sounds selfish. But having him out of the house whenever for great lengths of time is fine with me.

Yesterday, I randomly decided to read some out of my old handwritten journal. I was mainly reading the part from summer of 1996 and the beginning of 8th grade… and I read something that I had forgotten about my old cat Figero. She had ended up dieing in November of that year, for whatever it was that was causing her Kidneys to fail, and then slowly but surely, the rest of her body as well. We were taking her to the vet alot, and she would get better for a short period of time, only to fall even lower than where she was before. It was inevitable, and it was horrifying to watch. That cat loved me to death, but this was still during a time in my life when I didn’t really have control of my anger, and still openly took out my physical violence tendencies out on animals (I know, I was awful, I make myself sick thinking of it now) I wouldn’t let Figero in my room anymore, so she would sleep outside my door in a little huddle by the wall… and for some stupid reason, that would make me angry too, so if I opened the door up and saw her laying here, I’d hit her and chase her off. That cat still loved me to death, though… I have no idea why, but she did… I remember whenever I would cry, she would always come up to me, purring, trying to get me to stop. If I kept crying, she would lick my arm (something she rarely ever did) and would jerk her head up quickly to see if that made me stop or smile. On the day before (or possibly the day of?) we put Figero down, I remember she was choking and gagging on some food my mother was trying to give her with a dropper, and I had to leave the room to get away from the sound and sat, crying loudly in the hallway…. my mother came up behind me, and told me I shouldn’t cry, because of how much Figero disliked it when I did, and how she didn’t have the strength to cheer me up like she always did, no matter how much she wanted to… and I remember looking back to my bed, where she was laying lifeless, somewhat curled up. Just a strip of black fur, utterly motionless except for the very slight motions of her breathing, which was erratic at best. She looked so lonely and sad just laying there on the bed with no one with her while she was in so much pain. It was views like that that kept me with her 24/7 on the last 3 days of her life. But I couldn’t be in the room when they actually put her down… it wasn’t an option anymore, she was already blind and her skin had gone yellow from her liver failing, but I just couldn’t stay in there with her and watch her stop breathing. I just couldn’t.

.. Blah. Writing that made me cry. But it’s not what I had read in my journal (I mainly wrote that out because I still remember it, but never wrote it in the written journal and wanted to get it down before I had forgotten it totally). What I did read, was something Figero did while she was still able to walk around a little. The pain in her stomach made her have difficulty jumping and what not, so she was mainly just spending time in my bed with me. At one point, I went out into the kitchen. I didn’t write what it was that I was getting, but I must have been out there for a while, because Figero eventually came around the corner and layed down at my feet. She actually jumped off the bed and walked all the way into the kitchen, while she was in such great pain, just so she could be close to me. I had utterly forgotten about that… and I can’t believe that I did. It makes me wonder if I lied about it (because I used to lie in my own journal on occasion… yes, it totally defeats the purpose, but I did it) but who knows. I can almost see it in my mind as I think about it, so maybe it did happen. I wouldn’t be surprised… That cat loved me to death, and I was the only one she did. She was only 8 when she died… and I miss her.

I decided I would do the Friday Five for the first time ever Could be something interesting to look back on, so, why not.

1. What was the last TV show you watched?
The last TV show would probably be Real World/Road Rules challenge, and the last movie was Jerry Maguire.
2. What was the last thing you complained about?
It was either to my mother about how my father has been moaning all day from being “sick,” or to Matt when I was playing SWG and I couldn’t find any mobs to kill.
3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?
I told T-Fee he was a very pretty kitty
4. What was the last thing you threw away?
An empty bag of Reese’s eggs, which was some of the Easter candy that my mother got me the otherough.
5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?
Muted.com, a site I rediscovered last night (I thought it had closed for some reason) and where I got the idea to do the Friday Five from.

Anywho… on to my rather boring day. I had actually intended on going for a walk, had really honestly meant to, but when I stepped on the porch I felt a few droplets of rain fall on me. I looked up at the sky, and it was cloudy and it was darker than it should be for 1PM. That pretty much decided for me that I would just fiddle around in the garage on my mother’s exercise equipment. I only worked my arms (it didn’t cross my mind to really work my legs until I was inside the house.. I seem so absent minded recently) and I did not even do that for very long. Possibly for about 15 minutes or so… I did it until my arms were aching, and then did 30 after that point, just so there’d actually be some benefit to it, but no pain tomorrow. I probably should have done it longer, but I can just never force myself to feel bad like that I wonder how other people can possibly exercise, since it’s got to be straining them and making their muscles ache during it (or maybe I just have the wrong definition of what effective exercise is?)… I try to do the same thing and I just can’t. I suppose I’m just weak.

I’d much rather ride a bike than I would go for a walk or hang in the hotp” oelly garage (that has a large assortment of bugs as well… a trapped bee scared the hell out of me while I was doing my arms when it buzzed by my ear angrily) but my father, being the intelligent man he is, gave all of our bikes away when we had not used them for a year. Not like the garage was full and he needed the room they were taking up… he just started cleaning and decided to do something stupid. And I really don’t feel like investing in a bike now. So, blah… no real choice in the matter.

I fed the axies today. I did it in the kitchen, so my mother could watch, because even though she still insists their hideous, she always seems so interested and giddy when they swim around and eat. I noticed that Cayenne’s tail has like, two rather large bite marks in it, which are from Kasey. I should probably move them to a bigger container soon (even though I don’t want to – I hate the next sized container I have here) but I know the nips are primarily due to me forgetting to feed them for almost a full 48 hours a couple days back. Whoops. It was the first time I honestly just forgot about them. Hopefully I won’t do it again.

Herbie also seems to be getting darker in color. Before, she was noticeably brown. A very dark, chocolate brown, but still brown. I looked at her today, and she’s literally almost black. I have no idea if that’s a good thing or not, but I’m just going to take it as a good sign… when I ordered her, I had requested “the darkest one they could find”, and it’s cool she’s starting to really live up to that. But ehh, either way…

I spent about an hour or more reading my old entries from October 2000, and I’m jealous that I had more of a life to write about back then. It’s not as easy as it looks to stretch 15 minutes of working out and an hour worth of axolotl feeding into 4 sizeable paragraphs.

Haven’t really had anything to write about the past couple of days, so I didn’t really see the point in it. There’s only so much you can say about playing SWG when the servers are up, and when they’re not, reading my book instead. Course, from doing this I’ve gotten about double what I was on my wookie character, and I’ve gotten though 200 + pages in my book. I’ve also been making a new layout on the side, though, I already feel like I’m not liking it as much as I did when I first started, as I always do if I spend too long working on any particular layout.

Today I finally cleaned and vacuumed my room. It had been desperately needing it since even before I painted, and when Matt went to class today and the SWG servers were down again, I opted to clean and put away things instead of reading more. I also did all of my laundry, though I haven’t folded or put away any of it yet. While I was vacuuming, I also did the living room. I had wanted to get it done before my mother got home, as a surprise, but even over the roar I could hear her coming up the steps right as I was almost finished with the living room. She opened the door and said something… can’t remember what… but either way, it just meant she was thrilled I was doing it.

All day, whenever I went into the kitchen, I had to dea decth my father “feeling bad.” For him, this means looking particularly more pathetic than usual, and literally moaning or sighing loudly every couple of minutes. A couple of days ago he was also walking odd (skooting and thumping his feet like a toddler would) and talking with a very airy voice. It was all an act, because I caught him walking fine soon after when he thought no one was looking, and then later when he got somewhat upset at something his voice was strong and loud like usual. It’s all simply an act to get some pity. And, I swear, he even made himself moan and sigh louder so that I could hear him over the vacuum. He had wanted me to go to the store and pick him up some soup. I simply didn’t respond and didn’t go.

Today was a gorgeous day. I wish the thought would have come to my mind to go walking while it was still light out, instead of while I was taking a path some 7 hours later around 8PM. Hopefully I’ll remember tomorrow, and hopefully I’ll go… or at least go out to the garage (maybe with some music, so I can stay out there longer) and use whatever that piece of workout equipment that my mother just had to have but never uses is called. Maybe work out my arms. I could stand to have better shoulders.

Obviously, I still really didn’t have anything to write about. I had the chance to go out with Sandy a couple of nights ago, but we both weren’t feeling well. Stephen has been calling me, and I keep forgetting to call him back at reasonable hours. I would still really like to hear about his trip to New York… which, hell, might have happened a week ago? I’m not sure… this week seems to have flown by for some reason. Heh… maybe it’s because I haven’t written?

I got most of my bad feelings out last night after writing the entry, and by the time I had watched Six Feet Under an hour later (which was actually a good episode, for once; shame that 1/2 the season was spent with all the characters sleeping) I was actually feeling happy again. Was even smiling. Matt also helped a great deal in getting me over those awful feelings, promising me he’d do his best to give me the family I always wanted… and I believe he will, too.

I had gone to the library today, to return my two books + the axolotl book I waited quite some time for (I never actually read it, but I studied the pictures quite a bit I think I may just end up buying a copy, just so I’ll always have one here at home) and checked out quite a few more books. Six, in total, which will be hard for me to pound out in a month, considering how slow I read. Most of them are Stephen King books – I had made a list yesterday of all the books I had not yet read by him, and just plucked those that I remembered with the titles that seemed interesting off the shelves. I also went around and picked up two more Star Wars books, because I did enjoy reading Shadows of the Empire. There I also found one of The New Jedi order which I had kept reading people referring to, and decided I might as well try it and see what all the fuss is about.

While checking out my books, I had a slight conversation with the librarian (who checked out my books last time I was there, I think… an older woman with glasses and short white hair… but that’s basically the description of every old woman, isn’t it) and she seemed to try to get me interested in checking out some of those “audio books” (not sure if there’s a proper name… just books spoken out on tape). She actually went over to pull a couple off of the shelves, but only because I told her I thought that Stephen King read his own, rather than having a group of actors with him. It turned out I was right (which, was sort of cheating, because I had basically read it the day before while I was looking up book titles). If it had been a department store, I would have thought she was trying to sink some commission off getting me to try something new. But she was just being nice and informative, which was sweet of her.

But I hate small talk and hurried myself out of there as soon as possible.

I started reading “It”, which will be the biggest book I have ever read if I can get through it. The pages in it are thin, almost in the way a large dictionary would have, but not quite. The writing is also somewhat small, but the book itself still spans 1130 some pages. I did not read the little summary on the flap, but already knew the story was centered around some clown… I think I had once seen it at the movie rentals when I was younger. I think. I’m too lazy to look up whether it was an actual movie or not, but I remember the cover it sitting on the shelf… took 2 VHS’s, too. So far it had alot of different stories building to the same climax… or, I hope so. I didn’t really want to read another book like Hearts in Atlantis.

My mother also bought some Easter candy today… I had asked her to pick up some Snicker eggs (since I can’t remember whether or not they go on sale all year, though I thought they may have…) but it turns out they didn’t have any in Giant. Instead, she bought tons of Cadbury eggs, which would have been fine if she had gotten the “traditional” ones, but instead, she got the caramel ones… the ones she likes, and I don’t… and got tons of them at that. She laid them on my desk, and I just smiled and accepted them. I’ll probably end up keeping them until Matt gets there. The only thing she did get that I liked, was a pack of the Ferrero Rocher things, which I’ve already eaten about 75% of. So much for wanting to lose alot of weight before Matt gets here :ehh:

Today, my mother actually came to my door and told me dinner was ready. Opened it and everything (after knocking) and told me. I was not hungry at the time, but decided to eat anyway… it was sweet of her (especially after my bitchfest yesterday… which I still think I had the right to have, but it just must have sucked to be at her end of it) and I didn’t want to discourage her of doing it again. I don’t mind cooking meals for myself (usually have to anyway) but when she makes something I can’t or don’t know how to make, I like to know about it…

Another thing that is different and better from yesterday: the SWG servers were actually up. I tried playing some, and even creating a new class… though, unfortunately, the server is nothing bit a lag fest. Lots of people are signed on, and although they are supposed to be “tweaking” the server to test how it will hold this many people per server (because they’d like 1000+, possibly 2000 or 3000+ on each server… you’d need it at least for the Star Wars feel, and with the playing area so big) but they must have just been collecting data on us all, because it was a pain to do simple things like moving or, well, anything at all. There was a rumor going on of the server’s code being messed up, but I’m not too sure… seems more likely to me they’re not running anything harder than they need to over at SWG headquarters, because harder = more money. But it was fun to play, nonetheless I suppose. Certainly better than not being able to.

Anywho… it was a far better day than yesterday.

I’ve gotten to the point where I hate holidays… first the magic drifted out of them, which was replaced with no feeling at all (and usually forgetting that they passed), and now I just feel frustration and anger and hurt. I just want to scream at my parents to pick up the phone, arrange something with their siblings who are all live less than an hour away, tell them to smile just a little more, pretend to be happy just for one day; make this a day without any yelling or too much silence. Anyone who gets to experience such luxuries probably does not know how lucky they are to have them. I get so angry with both of my parents… they just do not care about family, and it hurts me. Growing up, I only had pretend aunts and uncles (my parents friends), and my parents don’t even keep in contact with those people anymore. Well, no, I take that back… we were close to my uncle Harry and aunt Cora, but we stopped shortly after my aunt Cora died of a heart attack when I was 5. I don’t have any memories of holidays where there was a house full of people and food, while I avoided certain relatives and played with my cousins. I didn’t have any of that, I was deprived of it, I am so angry for that.

It’s the holidays that remind me that I will have no one left in my family once my parents pass on. Yes, I will have blood related strangers… but I don’t know their names, nor could I pick any of their faces out in a crowd. Why did I have to have two parents who were both freakishly distant from all of their family… I’m sure it’s not uncommon to have one parent like this, but to have two? And it’s not like there’s anything there that keeps them apart… they just don’t want to, either out of laziness or selfishness.

The only goal I really have in life is to try to create a big, loving family… like the one I never had. One that does more than calls on holidays, but visits… I want the house full of people, the avoiding of certain relatives, seeing all the children playing together… I want that. Though, I know, deep down I will always be bitter that I never had that in my childhood… but at least I won’t have to live my whole life without it.

To my day… I woke up late, around noon, even though I was in bed by 2 or 3. I stayed in bed for an extra hour and a 1/2, anyway, dreaming odd dreams. I made some popcorn and watched some movies. The only thing I said to my father was that his hair “looked good”, since it was sticking up in horrible cow licks. My mother got home sometime around 3, I guess. I tried putting a mirror on the back of my door using some sticky stuff around 5, and shortly after I came out into the kitchen to see my mother finishing up the “Easter dinner,” which was just some ham and potatoes. We got into an argument, about why she didn’t at least call me to tell me it was ready (not because I was hungry… but just for the fact that it was Easter dinner, she could have at least cared to tell me) and she claims she did… saying she yelled at me from the end of the hallway (which, I have told her, for about 4 years now, that I CAN NOT hear her when she does that… does she ever just walk to my door to make sure I know, ever? no. Does she always make sure my dad hears, or at least answerers her? yes…). I got some ham (even though it was already covered… she was going to be putting it away soon…) and some potatoes, and came to my room. No one uttered “Happy Easter!”, or anything of the like to each other. I closed my door and the mirror fell off of it with a loud bang, and layed against the wall. I sat at my computer and ate my ham and cried. I’ve been crying as I’ve been writing all of this, too.

I would have given anything to have been somewhere else today.