Reading my old journal
Matt went to bed early, so I've spent my time since tweaking my journal and photolog templates and reading my old handwritten diary from back in 1996. Reading it made me feel all warm and fuzzy for some odd reason... it wasn't really the content (because honestly, most of it was hateful or silly or whatever a typical 14 year old would write.. "I hate him", "I love him," "so cool") but maybe it was just the concept of being so young. It was probably moreso the way I was writing rather than what I was writing about. Or maybe it was even the silly things that I mentioned that I have no clue what they mean now. Parts of me wish I could relive those years all over, knowing what I know now (who wouldn't?)... but then the rest of me can't seem to age enough to get away from that period of my life. I read it and I fall in love with the 90s, the carelessness of being so young, and the hope that was there for my future... but my heart breaks over the personal struggles and remembering the very real feelings that were behind childish words. Not that I'm perfect now, but I don't know how I came to be where I am after having been thrown so far off course at such a young age. I used to be so angry when I reflected, as if still trying to fight whatever battle I had always been losing... But now, like tonight, it's more peaceful and accepting. Maybe I really am growing up.
Or it could just be some leftover high from this very odd day.
I did all my laundry as well, but I just realized I forgot to put in my favorite shirt that I'm still wearing. Fook.
Finally getting sleepy... must take advantage of it before I wake up again.
Trip to the bank, Sex and the City
Blah.. after all the fuss I made over the bank, it was over quickly. We had to pay $25 (the fee was a "protection" fee for being able to withdrawal up to -$300 without a bounce fee - I never signed up for this feature, but had gotten a "congratulations!" letter a while back because I was lucky enough to have this feature now... uh-huh...) though, they did so us the "favor" of waving the fee that we were charged for today, taking our balance due from $30 to $25. I was pissed and angry that we still had to pay, and that my mother fucked up the payment plan I had in mind for the debt by using some of her money to pay it off, even after I had gone to the ATM and taken out $40 off my credit card.. it was just, blah. We didn't even really talk to the bank manager, just some teller. Then, the bank manager graced us with her presence at the end to say she'd wave the charge for today, but only that charge. I still think it's bullshit... to have been charged 4 times before I even knew there was a problem is bullshit. I couldn't help but think that if my father had come, more would have been done, since my mother can be equally as meek as she can be rude... and she seemed meek today.
Blah... I don't really want to write about it... not only cause it left sort of a "fuck..." aftertaste because of the bill, but also because someone from my high school was working at the bank. When me and my mother came in, I recognized her and Carl's mother immediately, and honestly didn't know what to do with myself, so I almost tired to ignore them. But then I couldn't help but to make eye contact. The girl from my high school looked at me funny, recognized me, and then said hey. I walked over to her window and said hey to her and Carl's mother. She asked if I remembered her, I said yes, and she sorta stalled for a moment, looking at me and smiling... as if she expected me to say her name as some sort of verification of that, but I didn't. I didn't because I knew it would come out stuttered and obviously uncomfortable sounding. I get so awkward around people like that... I don't like seeing people out of their "place" in my life unless I want to see them, and when it catches me off guard I get very sheepish and mutter alot. I say things without really thinking and instantly regret it, and when they ask "what?" I usually look down and say nothing, cause I'm trying to burry it. But they always heard me anyway.
Her and I (her name was Amanda [D., for my reference later], because I did remember her... just like I remembered not much caring for her in 11th and 12th grade) talked some about people from high school, and what they were doing now. There have been a good couple of people who have gotten married, and a great handful of the girls (Like Cecelia, if I'm spelling her name right) have already had children. I thought that was somewhat sad... although it's not horrible to get married and have children right after high school, I just thought it was all too cliche for this country area, and made me look down on it a little, but I was still happy for them at the same time. Being here has made me want to be abnormal and break out of stereotypes, while I guess others just prefer to embrace it and go with the flow. But, Amanda was telling me all these little updates on people from OCHS, and some about herself. I told her I wasn't really doing anything now, because I didn't do too great in college... but she was in a similar situation from Germanna, just she was working instead of doing nothing like me. She didn't seem to judge me about my current situation, which I had been afraid she would, and was happy she didn't. Somewhere along the line she had brought up that she had seen one of the popular girls from high school recently, and how she had not changed... and it just made me think of Jenn. I began to tell Amanda about my drama situation in college, and I had gotten to the point about where I kept this journal and said bad stuff about my roommate in it (which, I don't think I ever told Amanda about my online journal, and sort of skid on uncomfortableness when I said it, but her expression only changed slightly...) and then she changed the subject. Well, in a way. She started talking about how women can't live or work together due to PMS or something... so my story sort of left off with me sounding like some sort of documenting psycho, and not my roommate sounding like the crazy freaked out person I like to paint her up to be.
And the whole time I was talking with her, my mother was talking to a teller lady about my account. I felt bad about that, and tried to keep and ear on it, but the conversation with Amanda just kept going and I would have felt rude just ignoring her. We probably would have kept talking if I didn't notice that both the teller and my mother were looking at me, and then they told me the crappy news. I unwillingly agreed, and went around to the ATM machine... but, of course, I did the smooth thing of forgetting my credit card in my coat that was still in the bank, so I had to go back in and get it and then go back out. Blah 
I don't know why I freak out so much and lose my cool, and feel so stupid about every little mistake, but it leaves me feeling like shit afterwords. I was dreading writing about it, but now that I've made myself, I feel better.
When me and my mother got back, I convinced her to order Domino's (and not to pick it up, but to actually have it delivered... my mother has such a problem with having that done, because she doesn't like having to tip them, for whatever reason) and that I would pay by check from my account, since she had insisted on using her own money in it to help pay the balance while we were at the bank. So me and my mother had cheese and ham pizza with ranch dressing and cinnasticks for desert, and watched Sex and the City. We watched the major episodes where the whole Drama with Carrie and Adain and Big shit the fan, and the sad after math between Carrie and Adain, and both me and my mother cried during it. All in all, it was a nice evening after the whole bank thing was over.
I've spent the past couple of hours downloading / listening to music that is on the current playlist of one of my favorite radio stations. And I feel better after having written, though I'm still a little shaken about the fool I made of myself at the bank.
More drama over my bank account
Sure enough... after I woke up (with a murdering headache) I went into the kitchen to get something to drink... and my father had open and layed out on the table another bill for my account. Sure enough, they've charged me ANOTHER $5 on the 20th. They've officially charged me 4 times within 7 days, 3 of those being on a daily basis. It only proves that I was suspecting yesterday... I was probably charged again on the 21st, 22nd, and then probably today as well. What makes this even more ridiculous, is that we didn't get the first and second notice until the 21st, last Friday. So, if what I think is correct, I probably was charged 5 times (14, 18, 19, 20, 21) before I even got the notice of the first charge. They should wait at least 7 days, if not more, to ensure that I even got the first notice in the mail before they start raping my account.
Last night, before my mother went to work, I asked my her to go with me today. She didn't argue or get angry, she just quietly said yes, which was good. I've never been comfortable talking to people at their jobs (I don't like ordering food, or asking any questions about items, etc), and even though I still plan on being the one whose talking, I would just feel better and more confident if I had someone there with me. Though, I'm mainly bringing her because I'm afraid I won't be able to debate my problem enough... because, really, if I can't even really talk to them at all, even politely, how am I supposed to be stern and demanding? I wanted her there to pick up the slack if I start dropping some. My mother can be pretty persistent... and borderline rude sometimes. Which is maybe what this situation needs.
She doesn't get off work until 3:30, and so she won't be here until 4ish, and that gives me plenty of time to kill and just do whatever. I don't even know why I'm up so early... granted, I did wake up to check the time at 1:50, but I don't know what in me made me actually stay awake instead of rolling over and just sleeping more, cause I was still very sleepy. Still am very sleepy, with a headache as well.
Ehh... just thinking about the time that I will have to go to the bank with my mom reminds of me why I hated work and school/college so much; I hate having set times for the things I dread doing. I just watch the clock the entire time... I may be doing something else in an effort to enjoy doing nothing, but it's second to the constant glances I make to check the time. And every time a large amount of time has passed, I get somewhat panicked and frustrated and angry and only mull over more how much I don't want to go... That feeling feels like I'm falling everytime I have it. And I keep having it with every glance, with every calculation of how much time I have left, until, like with my work and classes, I decide that I just won't go - that I can't go... I decide that only so that I don't have to feel those feelings anymore, and can just feel a weight of relief go over me. In a nutshell, that's what powered me the most to miss so much school, and to skip work so much. Neither of them was ever about the money or the education to me... they were just something I got myself into cause it was something to do, the right thing to do, and I kept doing because I was then expected to be there... and work will probably always be like that to me. School will never be that to me anymore, since at least I can keep from putting myself though that again.
I'm getting the same feeling while watching the clock now for my mother to come home. It's not as strong of a feeling, since it's not like I'm going to be tested or that it's going to make my legs hurt, but it has the potential to make my headache worse. I already took something, so hopefully it'll keep that pain at bay.
I don't much care for my writing anymore. I've been planning on writing out that exact sentence since last night, and as proof, I got frustrated with myself because I couldn't think of any better way to put it so that it actually would sound good to me. I'd flag each attempt off as boring or not any better / original than the one I just wrote. And it's things like that that make me think I've lost the edge I had in 2001... before, I would try to take out things like "or something" and having "just" being said too much... now I actually add it in to fill in space.
OMG
I stopped writing a sec when I heard the phone ring... I got an odd feeling about it, so I turned down the volume on my music and listened to my dad talk. He was talking about $5 charges, so I knew it had to be the bank calling. I thought they were just calling in general about the charges I've been getting, but my dad had gone to their office earlier today to ask them what the hell was up. They were calling him then to tell him I'd have to come in and talk to them, cause the word from the bank manager was that they weren't going to override it. So, I came out of my room and met my dad in the hallway, and talked to him about the bank problems... he wasn't really angry at me, but angry with the company. He was actually talking calmly to me - it's nice when my family can mutually bitch about things rather than each other. We talked about how it was bullshit, and I showed him all the statements I had that I was going to show them today and what not. He started to get hyped up about going to talk to them at the bank, but then got a little frustrated / confused when I told him I couldn't go right then, since I told him I had made plans to go with my mom later. He also started to stress that I should just cancel the account (and refuse to pay) and open another one at the bank down the road when I got a job. When he said that, and started to stress it, I decided to finally spill my whole ebay plan with my DAoC accounts. I told him that I'd need some place to store the money when I got it. He seemed understanding of that, but he still doesn't think I should keep an account there... though, if I change banks, the new bank would charge me $10 service fees, since I'm not a student. The bank I'm at now only charges me $3 because they still have me down as a student.. and if that accidently gets cleared up while I'm there today, then they could very well start charging me $10 as well. Then it wouldn't make a difference which bank I was at - I could either be at a crappy one that charged the hell out of my account, or be at a nationwide bank that can't openly screw people over without making the whole company look bad publicly.
That's something to note... my father actually threatened to use a lawyer when he was on the phone with the bank the second time (cause they called back again). He wasn't angry when he was talking to her, mainly because she was just a teller and not the bank manager - he just a steady sort of playful voice he has. I guess it's good to have a bitter old man around sometimes... they really know how to get their point across. I'm actually thinking of asking him to come with, too, but that might be too many people in the room at once. My parents could easily argue with each other in there, which totally breaks apart our little force. But who knows.
I'm actually a little hyped about going now... looking forward to it.
Made a photolog
Hrm, well 
In the span since my last post, I've made a photolog. Woot 
Even though it sort of makes my photographs page look a little crowded, I still like it.