No Title Given
I don't know what I'm going to do with this space. The reasons that I kept online journals, and did for so long, don't seem to fit me anymore... I read things I used to write (that is, what is left - blogger has deleted a great portion of my entries, and all of my old zip disks where whiped clean by mysterious forces), and I don't the words. I cannot tell whether it is a result of growing out and away from whatever made me crave this, or whether it is acknowledgment of what activities like these did to my personality and how I thought of myself. Or maybe it's simply because I've lost a lot of hope for my future that I used to have while I was still in highschool... designing web pages is no longer practice for my career, but only a reminder of how I threw that dream away... And maybe on top of that, it's the weight of responsibility that it's disappearance is solely my fault. I can't tell if keeping this journal would be therapeutic or dangerous for me anymore. It's been both in the past.
All I do all day now, anyway, is play online games like Dark Age of Camelot... I don't have a job, I'm just merely "breaking" from life for a while, with a planned time of a year total of just doing nothing... to get whatever it was that made me fail out of my system. But now, I'm even drifting away from DAoC, and I feel heavy... It's been my one focus point for so long I think it might have successfully delayed any feelings I had about not going back to college. And it hits me now, usually when the lights are out, and I'm trying to go to sleep... I think of Michelle and Dave, and having lunch with them in Dalton, and lots of other good memories that I feel like I would do anything to relive again... and then I think of what I was missing while most of those memories were being created. And the worst part is... I feel only a little angry, and only somewhat guilty... and then it just goes slack and then I just don't care, just like I didn't then. But yet I'm sad. When I can fix whatever causes those feeling, maybe I could do something great. But it's been nearly 8 months and I'm only now seeing it for what it is.
This has felt better. Perhaps I will start writing again.