Hooplah.Org

I should make a layout that had pictures of the game I play all the time… granted, that would the throughly geeky, but that would also be my style. Besides, the design of this page only reminds me of being in college… it would only be of scenery pics. Particularly of the sunsets in the realm I play… they’re gorgeous.

Tried my best last night to recover any of my old journal files from my old zip disks… What had happened, was when I got my new computer back in November 01, it was with Windows XP… which conveniently doesn’t have the drvspace program on it that I had used on my laptop to compress all of my zip disks, and therefore, I couldn’t view their contents on my computer. I tried looking on the internet, kazaa, and everywhere for just the drvspace program to see if I could use it… but found nothing really. Nothing that would work, anyway. But then I had remembered my old sweetmate Sarita had windows 98 on her computer (while everyone else I knew had ME or 2000) and asked her if I could use it do transfer my web page files from one zip disk that was compressed, to another one that wasn’t. She was nice and said sure… I believe she even went to class while I was doing it (and I think I should have been at class as well…) was sort of creepy to just be in that suite again, knowing and hearing Jen next door.

What I had done, was I copied all the old files off the zip drive and onto a folder on her computer… then put in a “good” zip disk and copied those files onto it. At the time, I was positive I had copied everything, and so I deleted the file off of Sarita’s computer, and then deleted all the old files off of that zip disk. I then, also emptied her recycle bin, cause I wanted to leave her computer as I got to it (and at the time I think she was a little concerned about disk space, I can’t remember exactly). I went back to my room downstairs, and proceeded to white out all of the old titles of my old zip disks (cause while I was up there, I also transferred all of my old zip disks that wouldn’t work… and I believe I may have uncompressed them, but I can’t be for sure.) Then… after all this was done… I looked at my zip disks for no other reason than just to visit my old archives, etc, like I like to do. I actually think, at the time, I was working on this layout, and had the intention of moving all my old archives to this page. And I noticed, I had not copied everything… or, it just wasn’t all there. And, of course… the folder that meant the most to me was gone. I remember crying in just anger…

I did too much crying in college.

A couple months later, I opened the same zip disk that had the remaining information on it, and guess what… it had deleted itself. I have no idea why, or what would have happened to them… all I can think of is that Jen (old roommate…) might have sneaked into my room and deleted the rest of the contents of it. But at least I was able to get alot of my old files back from R-Undelete with that, despite the 64k limit. Maybe I’ll get around to posting some of those old screen shots… they were mostly of my domain if I remember correctly. And one of my last versions of my personal site… the one that was pink with all the flash.

So, I’m crafting in daoc. Finally starting to raise up my tradeskill (mainly because a guildy friend of mine is starting to skill up as well but I’ve been wanting to for a while, it just gave me that extra push to finally do it) and it’s taking forever and I keep making things with no skill ups and blah… :ehh: Writing helps that go faster, though.

Last night I had a horrible time getting to sleep. I finally woke up around 5AM, and my stomach was killing me. I got up to go to the bathroom, and then this horrible pain hit my like, lower pelvis… I had trouble walking down the hall. It wasn’t like a cramp or anything, it actually hurt… like stung. When I got into the bathroom, I sat down, and just stayed there for a sec… and the pain in my stomach was horrible, and my vision sort of changed… sort of like when you stand up to quick and you get that fizzling blackness around the edges of you vision. I had that just sitting there… and my vision almost went black. It lasted for almost a minute.. and afterwords I felt weak. I think I may have almost fainted… or something. And since I was on my period, like usual, I started to worry about having/getting TSS. Since I had two of the symptoms right there – upset stomach, dizziness and fainting/near fainting. I went and got my thermometer from my mother, and took my temperature… I was below normal, around 97.9 (which is sorta usual for me). I went to sleep, and didn’t wake up till 1:30… took my temperature again, I was 98.3. Supposed to be sudden high temperatures with it, around 102 or so. I’m just paranoid.

Had a talk last night with Matt about my journal, and how in the past I’ve only written when I’m sad. Would like to try to write more about happy things.. and try not to turn everything happy into shit. I don’t know how to write happy Think that’s been my biggest problem with this journal… and probably a big part of it was just being an over dramatic drama queen that liked whatever attention I thought I was getting while being sad and depressed. Always thought I wasn’t one of those people, but I was. Hell, maybe I still am… won’t really know until I really get to writing again, daily, and see the things I chose to write about…

So I spent most of yesterday using programs like R-Undelete and R-Studio (only the demo versions – I figured that none of the journal entries that I wanted would be over 64k, which is the only limitation on the demoes [I think]) I searched and searched, blindly cause all of the titles had been whited out (and no matter how much I scratched them, I still couldn’t read them or recognize the one that was my old internet one). About 4 of my zip disks just plane wouldn’t be scanned, which is odd… I’m only guessing it’s cause I might have decompressed them after I deleted them (so I could save stuff on them later on this computer if I wanted) cause there’s no real reason otherwise why they wouldn’t find at least one or two things on them. They just spammed errors… I tried scanning them on my lap top, but it is a sad little thing that would basically freeze and scream that it didn’t have enough memory, and then every single program running on it would have illegal operations until it froze completely.

Last night, I compressed a disk, and plan on scanning it sometime today… but I’m not that hopeful.

I finally put up old archives from diaryland.com that are about three years old. Not sure how long it took me, but my arm is killing me. Now, all I have to do, is recover all my old archives off my zip disks… but the odds of that working, or even being attempted anytime soon, are slim. But maybe one day… when I’m bored… Maybe.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this space. The reasons that I kept online journals, and did for so long, don’t seem to fit me anymore… I read things I used to write (that is, what is left – blogger has deleted a great portion of my entries, and all of my old zip disks where whiped clean by mysterious forces), and I don’t the words. I cannot tell whether it is a result of growing out and away from whatever made me crave this, or whether it is acknowledgment of what activities like these did to my personality and how I thought of myself. Or maybe it’s simply because I’ve lost a lot of hope for my future that I used to have while I was still in highschool… designing web pages is no longer practice for my career, but only a reminder of how I threw that dream away… And maybe on top of that, it’s the weight of responsibility that it’s disappearance is solely my fault. I can’t tell if keeping this journal would be therapeutic or dangerous for me anymore. It’s been both in the past.

All I do all day now, anyway, is play online games like Dark Age of Camelot… I don’t have a job, I’m just merely “breaking” from life for a while, with a planned time of a year total of just doing nothing… to get whatever it was that made me fail out of my system. But now, I’m even drifting away from DAoC, and I feel heavy… It’s been my one focus point for so long I think it might have successfully delayed any feelings I had about not going back to college. And it hits me now, usually when the lights are out, and I’m trying to go to sleep… I think of Michelle and Dave, and having lunch with them in Dalton, and lots of other good memories that I feel like I would do anything to relive again… and then I think of what I was missing while most of those memories were being created. And the worst part is… I feel only a little angry, and only somewhat guilty… and then it just goes slack and then I just don’t care, just like I didn’t then. But yet I’m sad. When I can fix whatever causes those feeling, maybe I could do something great. But it’s been nearly 8 months and I’m only now seeing it for what it is.

This has felt better. Perhaps I will start writing again.