No Title Given
It surprises me how easy this has been for me to complete... Though I am not speaking of my initial panic. I take heartbreak so ungracefully. On someone such as Andre, I know that my failure to be "mature" and composed will no doubt be the determinate of never seeing or hearing from him again. That's something which is much easier to say than to accept it as truth at this moment. I've been though these steps before... they are automatic and predictable to me. I spent one day a complete mess... I could not even control my sobbing. I don't think I have ever experienced a worse feeling than the panic that comes with these situations. My chest suddenly clenches, and I'm overcome with this suddenly sharp feeling of disagreement and depression that sinks me like a rock. I can't sit there and try to let the emotions pass, because they do not, they only overwhelm me. The only cure is the generation of false hope, by giving them a call, or writing them an e-mail, or just contacting them in some way... But in these situations, it is only a viscous circle when the one you're losing has no intention of letting you in. They do not even want to speak with you... because it is easier for them. When will the word get out that such abrupt actions break spirits and murder souls...
When Alan chose not to speak to me any longer... he told me lightly on the phone. He seemed so caring at that moment, but he was going out that night. He was going out on a date with someone else... and did not have time to speak about it over with me. He had already made his decision. And with a predicament so similar, I wonder who Andre has been spending his time with. It's such a harsh contrast to go from talk of marriage and love to answering me that he would rather be alone now then spend a lifetime without me.
But it's no matter what he is doing now, as it's no longer allowed to be my concern. I am only responsible of my feelings... which are leaving me feeling used. What else is it, when someone constantly reassures you that you are not just a physical attraction, but love... to being so disposable. Such an abrupt change of heart that left me in such shock that it made me think I had finally snapped.
But what difference does all that make.
While sitting in my room Tuesday night, I wrote a note out on paper. I wanted to give up. I needed to, really... In my past experiences, it's been the only successful solution. The concept itself is painful enough, that the actual action suddenly seems easier. I wrote him an e-mail the next morning... It was the first thing I did. I was not surprised to find that Andre had not e-mailed me back again, but it does not mean I wasn't disappointed. I don't think I could have taken another short note from him saying he's sorry I "don't feel well," or asking me not to make this difficult. So all for the better.
I wrote this:
Andre,
I am sorry for the way I have acted. I have never been used before, and after all the other emotions, I am left ultimately feeling like a fool. I now realize the certainty of this situation. I hope that you do well in life... and I'm glad that I was "fun" for you the short time I was allowed to be with you. Please don't waste any effort in trying to remember me. I only loved you.
Goodbye, Andre.
Not a nice e-mail on my part, but what can really be expected of me... I have trouble being the better person in the face of such betrayal and heartbreak.
While we were laying in bed that Sunday, the one where we stayed in bed 1/2 naked all day and watched Lord of the Rings and went on a 2 hour road trip inbetween trying to find a Captain D's, there was a moment when he said I could write about us.
What I would give not to have been writing this.
Leave - Matchbox Twenty
It's amazing
how your make just like a wall
how you take your heart and turn it off
how I turn my head and lose it all
it's unnerving
how just one move puts me by myself
there you go just trusting someone else
now I know I put us both through hell
I'm not saying
there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying
we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't want to let it get away from me
but if that's how it's going to leave
straight out from underneath
then we'll see who's sorry now
if that's how it's going to stand, when
you know the one you've been depending on
is the one you're leaving now
the one you're leaving out
it's aggravating
how you through on
and you tore me out
how your good intentions turned to doubt
the way you needed time to sort it out
I'm not saying
there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not saying
we ever had the right to hold on
I just couldn't ever let you get away from me
but if that's how you're going to leave
straight out from underneath
then we'll see who's sorry now
if that's how it's going to stand, when
you know the one you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
the one you're leaving out
the one you're leaving now
the one you're leaving out
I'm not saying
there was nothing wrong
I didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
but if that's how you're going leave
straight out from underneath
then we'll see who's sorry now
if that's how it's going to stand, when
you know the one you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
well tell me is that how it's going to end
when you know that you've been depending on
the one you're leaving now
the one you're leaving out
the one you're leaving now
the one you're leaving out