Michelle was supposed to come down this weekend. I waited for her to contact me by either AIM or e-mail or phone to maybe ask for directions, but she never did… so I tried to make the first move and get directions from my father and give her a call. But no one answered… I left a message. She didn’t call back. Didn’t anything. I spent today with the 1/2 hope that maybe she’d still call. I was just talking to her on AIM, and she had opted to go with her family to TN… which is fine… I just wish she had told me. In some ways I wanted her here, others I really didn’t… I don’t want anyone telling me right now that I’m better this way, or that so and so is an asshole… I don’t want someone saying those things to me, especially when they used to agree with how perfect everything was.
In some odd ways, I’m looking forward to seeing Stephen… Though I have not called him yet. I can tell him of all the good things, and probably cry in front of him, and he’ll be comforting. He doesn’t change his mind just because the situation changes… not that that is ever a bad thing, but right now, I just don’t want that. It’s just so touchy right now… I don’t have a good understanding of my reaction, really. It’s different from others I’ve had… but yet I won’t even let myself touch the topic enough to figure out what’s wrong so I can fix it. I’m pushing it down and not dealing with it, which is unhealthy… but really, what solution can I come up with? It will still hurt. It will still change me in ways I can’t see yet or control… it will still be out of my hands. Rubbing it in my face through analyzing won’t do anything but make me cry. I didn’t do anything wrong but do anything at all.
I told my friend Brian about the whole event with Andre… and how no one here seemed interested in seeing me or visiting me (Stephen has not called to see when I’ll be home, or if I’m home… odd, really…) and Brian gave me his phone number. Said he was off Tuesday through Thursday, and that if I wanted to do anything, just to call. I thought about calling many times, but when I thought about actually going out somewhere, I my effort just slumped back down… Looking back, I wish I would have gone out and done something. I don’t think I have seen him since whenever it was the last time I passed in the hallway two years ago in high school. And spoken to him in person was probably even longer, because when we did see each other it was always a quiet wave. So, I’m not sure. But the gesture of him doing that meant alot to me… Especially at that time, when I was feeling that way.
I had to tell my father about my grades on Thursday. Primarily because people from Adelphia came so we could finally have high speed internet in this house, and the installation included putting the ethernet card in my father’s computer. But the computer’s case had been taped and shit together (Why the fuck did Alan do that??) and they said there wasn’t a free slot for the ethernet card, and they would not remove the modem to put the ethernet in it’s place, because they said they did not do that. So. My father was in the den calculating on getting a new computer. He kept adding in money for me to go to college on in the fall… so I whispered to my mother, “When should I tell him?” she said now, being the BRIGHT woman that she is. I did. He, of course, didn’t quite understand at first. He was offended that I said he couldn’t afford it, even though we both knew if he could barley afford $1500, $6,000+ would be out of the question. But he still argued… he scoffed at the fact that I failed out last semester because I was sick, even though he suffers through the same thing. In addition to this, he made two arguments WHICH I HATE. First, he said, “Well, Michelle is going back in the fall.” My father loves to say “you’re friends are doing this,” “you’re friends are doing that,” “everyone does this,” “everyone does that”… as if, just because everyone else is doing it, I should too. He is hoping to tap into my urge to be exactly like my peers, but he’s so self absorbed and knows so little about he that he doesn’t know I don’t possess it. But, shh, maybe after another 20 years of me resisting that tactic he’ll finally give up. Next, he does the ONE THING I HATE MOST OF ALL. All though high school, he blamed every thing I failed at, everything I didn’t do just as he wanted, on my computer usage… and I don’t really care what reasons he gives, he does this simply because I enjoy it. And it doesn’t really hurt me on any level, but it’s just so frustrating that I can see right through it and that he’s so fucking stubborn and stupid all at the same time that I just get FURIOUS. I don’t even really remember how the conversation ended… just sort of tapered off with him mumbling to himself (but still so that I was in earshot, so that I could either hear what he was saying or just know he was saying something period, fucking asshole) and I spent the rest of the night in my room, not speaking to him. Supposedly he could not even eat later, he was so upset.
The next morning I woke at 9:30. I wanted something to eat/drink, was to groggy to know even what, but I went out into the kitchen. My mother and father were both there, and they said they wanted to talk to me about something. I absolutely HATE IT that they spend all morning (from about 4AM till whenever I wake up) talking about things, and then as soon as I wake up is when they hit me with shit, when I’m 1/2 asleep and don’t really even want to be talking period. But… they were doing this Friday morning, so it was already off to a terrible start, as my mood dropped considerably. My father had something to tell me… and though I don’t remember his exact stupid fucking words, what my father was basically doing was confronting me… like families do when they have a relative who they think is an alcoholic… about my computer usage. He thinks I’m addicted to the computer… and when I told him that was such stupid bullshit, he replied with “I don’t know who you would have to talk to to tell you that,” meaning, he wanted me to get help for my addiction. I could not believe that I was being exposed to that much stupidity at one time… I kept saying over and over again that that was bullshit, not even trying to control my tone, just letting him yell back. Then he said something moronic, saying that I was going to (stated just that way, as if it was something already decided…) spend only 3 hours on the computer a day. I shot that down immediately, proclaiming “oh no, I’m too old for that shit, that’s bullshit.” By that time I was so heated I didn’t feel like I could contain it within myself… I had to leave, I had to get away from him before I started contemplating that maybe with age his bones had gotten brittle and break easily. Before I left, I threw a kitchen chair… I don’t even remember where or how, or what happened to it after… and stormed back to my room and slammed my door… and because slamming it made me feel good, I proceeded to clam my hands on it three times to get out anger.
Childish, really, but I remember when I was younger that when I would do that after an argument my father would come storming down the hall and beat me… And after I did it last Friday I listened for footsteps. Nothing. He knows we’re both too old for him to try anything now.
I sat on my bed, completely pissed off … and remembered that I was still hungry/thirsty. I came back out about 10 minutes later, and provoked conversation about getting a new computer for dad, and then making fun of it, acting excited because it included a computer. Conversation followed it… My father continued to be hypocritical and ignorant about the computer issue… hypocritical because he’s addicted to the TV, and just because his activity can be done in the living room doesn’t make it anymore healthy, and ignorant because this man actually has not realized that I have no problem spending all day in my room because I would prefer to spend my time with a machine than I would to sit around and argue with him and have him make me miserable.
I hate being here 
It’s sad when you wish that you’re only family members would just hurry up and die already.
But anyway.
My father went into defensive mode… my mother has been sitting there this whole time, being hypocritical herself. They both said I spent too much time in my room alone… but the first weekend that I was home, and my mother was off work, I begged her to spend time with me, talk to me… At that time I was worried about Andre, and was missing Michelle, and just wanted someone to talk to… and she refused to, becuase she would be either watching TV or reading. And then, less than a week later, she has the nerve to question why I don’t leave my room… I was given the impression by her that no one was interested in seeing me, anyway. And with the way I’ve been feeling/acting the past week, I didn’t want to be around anyone.
But on Friday morning my father was out to attack me. When he started losing ground on the whole computer issue, he moved in with the college situation again. He just loves to dig at things he knows will hurt me… when he started to lose ground on the college/computer/you-are-a-disappointment-to-me-becuase-you’re-not-like-everyone-else, he graced over the phone bill (that I will have to pay with the money I got from selling my books back) I got from calling Andre.. and told me how stupid that was, how stupid I was, how out of all the boys at my college (since, as I found out in December, my father only sent me to college with the hopes I’d marry some guy to take care of me… not to better myself…) I had to find some other internet freak. I was doing fine with all the verbal attacks, I was doing great with my responses, but that just broke my back. But my father has become immune to my crying since he got the surprise of first seeing me break down during one of our fights for the first time in my young adult life when I was 17. This was when my mother decided to chime in and tell him that that was enough, and pointed out to him that he was just jumping from topic to topic to try to hurt and upset me.
I had to tell my mother about Andre the other day… I had not wanted to at all, which is odd for me. Usually I have this urge to tell her everything, and I had already told her a lot of details (some very intimate) about me and Andre in the short time I had to talk to her while still under the impression that everything was ok… and now that it just all exploded in my face, I felt so foolish… I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. But she just barged into my room without knocking, and I was crying. Even though I was not facing the door, I would not turn around when she spoke to me, and I was very still… I remember my head was slightly tilted to the left, had my hair up and was somewhat curled up in the char. She asked me if I was crying, and I said no. Silence. I knew he was going to come over, so I grouched at her to get out. She asked me why I was crying, and I said with more force for her to get out. She came around my left side, and I turned my head to the right, only to find that now my reflection was in the mirror, and both me and her could see it. She asked me again why I was crying, and I looked up to her and told her to get the fuck out.
This was only a couple of days after she had refused to spend time with me when I was alone… I was not going to let her try to be motherly now when she had been so rude and lazy to me earlier that week.
It’s all so odd of me… usually I am so extremely open that I am annoying in the process. Like before I couldn’t get enough of it. But now I don’t even want to tell anyone, especially people I know in real life. When I look forward to talking to Stephen about it, I don’t want to talk about how it ended, but how it was… Maybe it’s because I’m embarrassed by how I feel. I read over the e-mails I wrote Andre afterwards, and I get so angry at how childish and dumb and cliché it all sounds.
But that might be coming from the fact that I place the blame on my argument… I always do… I constantly think of new things I could have said, or different ways I could have said them, that maybe would have changed everything. But how pathetic is it for me to do that when I know nothing could have been changed. I should be here thinking about how I should have said nothing at all…
But anyway. That was a tangent.
The conversation with my father left me emotionally exhausted. I don’t really want to talk about that much more… yet again, what difference does it make. I actually hate writing about it… I associate writing about arguments with my father with being more of a child than I am now. It bothers me that he thinks just because I have to live here that he had the right to be a parent to me in the same way he did when I was in high school. It all just angers me so badly.
I never got to say goodbye to Dave in person. Me and Michelle went by his room on Friday, but it was only TJ there, and a big (messy) room… He had not seen Dave since the day before. I only thought of this becuase I used “angers”… and at 4AM, that makes me think of Dave, becuase if you ever said you were mad, pissed, frustrated, or anything like that around him, he would always correct someone and say “angry.”
I miss my life before Alan moved to Radford, before I got into the game… I miss spending time with Dave and Michelle. I fear I may never see Dave again… which is just another thing to depress me now. College failure stuck in a miserable house situation, newly heartbroken, and alone… with tons of pressure all around to make decisions that I am not ready to make.
That’s another thing… my parents want me to get a job this summer, save up money, and buy a car. Then, they want me to keep the job t keep up with the car payments, and take 3 classes a day down at Germanna. Now… for someone who just freshly failed college becuase they were sick and lazy, how is adding even more responsibility and stress to the mix going to make me succeed any better, or waste any less of my parent’s time and money?
But my parents are both stupid, what do they care about listening to me.
I don’t know really why I wrote all of this.. maybe it’s because Denis is trying to push his way back into my life, maybe it’s becuase bitches in the game (like Calandri) have been trying to screw me over behind my back, or maybe it’s becuase Reggie (one of Andre’s friends) told me in the game that he talked to another one of Andre’s friends about buying Andre’s DAoC account… which made that feeling in my chest which I have learned to dispise.
How can someone be so selfish… look at me, I am a mess. Something that was made up to be a “solution” has only made me worse. And he can’t be much better… hell, in order for him to accomplish it, he has to completely shut me out of his life, just like he did his family when he came here… and though it might work for him, just like it did then… some things just don’t end up being right in the long run. Bah, that’s put badly, but I don’t now how else to… Yet again, I’m stuck with my block that I don’t want to talk about it. This just couldn’t have been the right decision… it feels so wrong… but then I remember how steady his voice was. Maybe I should just stop living the fantasy. People don’t do this to those they love… therefore, how could it have been love?
But that’s all I ever seem to be to people… Just T&A.
