No Title Given
All day long, I have been fighting my compressed zip disks, trying to get them to work. In reality, all I had wanted to do was read over my old journal entries... From when me and Alan were together the first time. I had journal entries on there that dated back to who knows when... They wrote all about our breakup, and everything. About my first experiences working. The real reason why I wanted to get to them, is that I wanted to read what I had written the day of/after that Alan first broke up with me.. Because I remember him telling me (not exact words, really), I remember my disbelief, and when I eventually started freaking out, I stopped talking, or something. I hung up, I think, or he said he wanted to speak to my mother. One of the two. He told my mother to look after me, because of what had just happened. I called him back about a 1/2 hour or so later, and he was getting ready to go out. I thought that to be heartbreaking. He told me he was going out with some guy friend of his... But something tells me that he lied to me. He was probably going out with Tabitha. I had wanted to read the whole thing over and see if there was anything that I had written that would hint to that.
I spent all day struggling to reach the files, because Windows XP conveniently does not come with DriveSpace 3. Fuckers. And when I tried to contact iomega about it, they said that since they don't recommend the compression of disks, that they wouldn't help me. I tried to get help through Microsoft, and they just told me to contact Dell. I didn't want to do that, talk to a person, so I decided to try to fix it myself until I realized the ultimate solution: use Sarita's computer (since she has DriveSpace 3) and copy files onto her desktop, reformat my disks until everything worked again, the copy the files back onto my clean disks, and then delete the stuff of her desktop. And I did just this, finishing it up after my last sculpture class. As a gesture of thanks, I cleaned up some space on her computer, as she had tons of shit in the recycle bin and temporary internet files. Sarita had to go to class then, so, I came down stairs. I spent some time renaming some zip disks and white-outing old titles. Then, I remembered the whole point behind my madness of today, and I went to open my new internet zip disk. I opened it, and noticed something FUCKING HORRIBLE - I had not copied all of the files. Remaining on the disk was about 1/4 of the folders that were originally on it. Including what was gone was the ones I had been working on recently, all the past layouts for my old domain, all my past layouts for my old site... and all of the journal archives I used to keep. The very ones I wanted to get to. I just felt sick for a few moments, and I felt like my eyes could tear up if I had wanted them to. I tried to see if my old site was still on the internet, but indeed, it was not. I just... ugh, I felt so sick. I still am in a little bit of shock. To just have a big hunk of my life just disappear, is, ughh... :ehh:
And I'm just kicking myself. When I was emptying the recycle bin on Sarita's computer, I did feel a little anxious about it. But I was so sure I had all of the files, I did not think it mattered. Ugh. So depressing... A whole years worth of journal entries, just gone. The only real history I had... The only thing I can hope for is that when I go home, and look on my old 3 1/2 disks that I'll have the archives there, too. If not.. Then forever, they're gone. It pisses me off, because this morning, they were here... right here, perfectly fine. Gone now.
No Title Given
I went to class this morning with my black and white flip flops on. That the freaking hell? When I came out of my last class of American Government (*sheds a tear*) it was still a little nippy. I also noticed that the moon was still out. I went into Russell hall for a sculpture assignment that I needed to finish for today, and by the time I came back out, it was nice out. I didn't notice if there was still a moon, but it was damned nice out. Weather.com said it was supposed to get to 74 today... What kind of weather is that for December, 19 days til Christmas? I want some fucking snow, damnit.
No Title Given
Last night was yucky. Everything has been going fine between me and Alan... heavenly, really. And last night wasn't all that bad of an experience. Not really, at all. There is just something harsh about him sighing, and then him proceeding to tell me, with one time adding something so stressed as an exclamation mark, that he did not want to tell me what was wrong. I am pretty sure he would act in the same manner if I did something to communicate that I was feeling down... I know he would want to know, because he's done it before (since I used to get upset. Alot.) When I was the one with a problem, I really had no choice but to tell him in the end, because the conversation would go completely down hill from there, accompanied with a lot of silence. And that's exactly what happened last night. I'm not expecting him to tell me every little detail, mainly because we never have enough time, but to bring something up and then just keep it from me... All it did was make me worry. Horribly. I told him exactly that, and he stressed that it had nothing to do with "us" really... I'm guessing, assuming really, that it's just him. But that still affects us both... Just like it ruined our conversation last night. Part of a healthy relationship is communication... He always stresses his frustration about not being able to communicate well, but it never really an issue of good or bad when he at least tries. Unlike last night. This morning I'm looking differently than I did two mornings ago about our relationship. I probably shouldn't, but I am.
No Title Given
I had the weirdest dream last night... It involved almost I knew. "Knew" being that I paid enough attention to them when I saw them - not necessarily that I ever spoke to them. It started off in a dorm like situation, but I think they had wood wall and these little crannies for sleeping places... Reminded me a lot of the Harry Potter school place, although, I'm not entirely sure why. Sarita and my roommate were hanging out, and shit, for some reason... Probably just another reference to how I think Sarita is moving on from me as a friend, even though yesterday, everything seemed to be back to normal. Hmm. Anyway. I remember my friends doing something a slide and a car, but I'm not sure how that really fit into the dorm atmosphere. Then, the dream seemed to take a different direction, and we heard marching. Suddenly, the "school" turned into my house, only being the same size, but actually being a lot bigger than it really was... And I didn't seem to notice that it was my house... I remembered being in my bedroom, crouching at the bottom of a window and peeking out, and I saw Mr. Popularity from my high school, Ryan, in a uniform-like dress (probably inspired by Michelle making fun of people in uniforms throughout the day) approach someone that was out of my view, and he said, "Kristen, will you go to the (?) dance with me," and then all of a sudden I knew why they were there. Possibly because Kirsten was his girlfriend though the majority of high school... Though I don't know how that made me understand it all. It just did. But, it seemed as though all the guys had joined some sort of army thing, and had been in it since high school let out. And in the dream it just be came this understood thing that after a couple of months they held this dance for everyone that is no longer in high school, so they could have a dance to go to, just like people in High School did. So we weren’t missing out, or something. That's why the guys where there, marching around in little lines in groups of 5 or so, to find girls to ask to the dance (not just any girl, girls that they had been wanting to ask for quite some time.. For some reason, that was a stressed fact in the dream.) I'm not sure why all of the girls were at my house, since that's where the army guys came to... Or why I remember there being some hockey players around and about, and that I didn't really question their involvement... but so much for logic. But, anyway. I remember one by one all of my friends were leaving with these guys, and I seemed to be staying behind.. All of a sudden I was talking to this girl Amanda about it, from my high school. Her purpose in the dream seemed to be just to stand there and give me someone to talk to. I was saying that I had not showered, and could not get ready in time to go to a dance... Or something like that. I said it loudly, maybe because I was frustrated... And I'm not sure of the order after that. I may have changed my mind and started to try to get ready first. I'm not sure. But someone during it, this guy approached me. He looked like someone my exroommate had introduced me to on the second day of college, I think. Maybe it's because I've been seeing him around school more, or something.. But then again, it wasn't really him. He was mumbling something.. I remember cocking my head to the side and actually having to ask him what, for him to repeat himself. The reason why I'm not sure if I started changing before or after is that I approached him, and remembered being slightly taller than him (for some unknown reason) mainly because I was wearing high heals. He was saying some sort of compliment, and said that he had wanted to ask me, but since I wasn't going to go at all... Something along that meaning. Then he left. Then some other guy, an attractive guy I saw in the college clinic a couple of weeks back, came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go. I thought about it, told him no, and that I was going to go with the other guy. Then I told Amanda that I was going to get ready, and started to. When I was done, I could hear the busses pulling away. I started running after them as they were leaving my drive way. At the end of the trail of cars were the hockey players in VWs. They told me they were up ahead, and they started calling in on their car radio (???) that I was there, trying to catch the busses. I didn't think the would stop, but they did. When I got up next to the busses, I noticed that they were very, very short white ones, but there were only about 4 of them, and they were supposedly holding a couple hundred people. I could hear someone, who must have been a commander of the guys, approaching me. He was in a bus that seemed to be floating, as it came out of line as if it were attached by a hinge, turning so the side of the buss faced me and started moving toward me. He was standing in the middle of it, where there was a big opening. I remembered him being either blue to gray, saying "Where is the girl who needed to catch the buses," or whatever. He had a bullhorn to his mouth, saying this. I stated to panic, because I didn't know what the guy's name was. I looked into the windows of the bus, and started to see the guys get up. I thought that he was going to make them all trot by me so that I could find the one that was my "date." Then, I can't remember if the dream just skipped, or that I had just started to worry in my dream about what to do about Alan. The fact that I wanted to kiss this guy at the end of the date (which is about all the thought I put into the actual concept of the "dance" - by this time it was more understood as a "dinner date") and that I maybe wanted to be with him, but I was still with Alan.
But, then my alarm went off. I had that dream in less than a 1/2 hour... So odd...
No Title Given
heheh, I think this is all rather funny. No one knows about this website, at it's hidden address. Haha. I am the smart one. Yes. Yes I am.
I got smashed this weekend. Err, well, drunk.. I'm not really sure if the term smashed would properly describe that. 
For some reason, Sarita and Kelly had gotten some tequila from Britt across the hall, and they invited me and Michelle up join them. We drank it all in about 7 minutes, which Kelly made a big deal about. Cause it was cool. The only bad part about it all is that I usually like to walk around once I am "nice," and no one would really let me. As stupid as I usually act in the hall, what's wrong with doing it with some fake confidence or something. But anyway. The evening went well. Alan signed on, and I talked to him on Kelly's computer. I remember him saying some very sweet things, but I don't remember them very clearly. Mainly because I was not able to save the conversation, because I was on AIM express. Near the end, Kelly went off and got high with some other people, and then came back. They all started smoking some cherry flavored cigar (with Sarita's permission) and they asked me to join, but I did not really want to. I may smoke weed, but not anything else... Near the end, when we were all munching on some potato skin things that Sarita had bought earlier that day and were just sitting around, Kelly had lain on the couch and appeared to be asleep. All of a sudden, she said "trash can, trash can," twice, and if she had been speaking to me, I wouldn't have understood. Sarita did, and she handed it to Kelly, who did the obvious. It wasn't gross, or nasty, or anything... Which, in turn, made it cute. Michelle observed this, and said, "What a cute throw up." But then again, she was saying this from across the room. Once Kelly was threw, me and Michelle got back up close to the TV again and were watching the new SNL. I got tired sometime around 12:30ish (we had started at around 9) and me and Michelle went off to bed. I almost instantly fell asleep, and slept until about 11 the next morning. I woke up many times during the night, thinking that I was going to throw up myself... But I didn't. Not that I didn't feel a little bad, but the rest was probably all in my head. I would have thrown up around the same time Kelly did if it was going to happen. The next morning, I felt rather great. I took a shower and had lunch with Michelle sometime around 11 or 12. Then I wrote my 8 page paper, heh. Something that angered me, is that yesterday evening when Michelle and Sarita were in my room, and I said how I felt great this morning, Sarita said that I did not drink as much as the rest of them. She always does that, everytime we do bad shit, she always says I do less than everyone else. She said I only had about 1 and 1/2 shots.. When I think I really had close to 2 or 2 and 1/2, since I finished one of Kelly's shots one time. It just bothers me... Like she's trying to undermine my experience. Say that she did so much, so she's the only one with bragging rights. Me and her have not been getting along as well lately... Mainly because she takes me too seriously sometimes, well a lot, and completely stomps the fun out of anything I may say. College is also full of individuals who make it their place to point out every single freaking time a person is wrong, and then deny that they were ever wrong. Sometimes Sarita can be like that, and it just makes me feel frustrated, because it's like she's trying to either kill my fun or make me the butt of a joke. Today at lunch with her and Dave, I was talking to Dave about getting wood for my project (cause he said he would take me) and Sarita again invited me to this art store in Blacksburg... The same place they went last Saturday when Michelle ditched me (she was supposed to take me to get wood that day) and I asked Sarita again, as I had last Saturday, if they had wood, and she was like, no, but we can stop at a hardware store. But, the thing is, I don't want to go all the way into Blacksburg when the thing I need is right here in town. The longer it takes to get the shit, the less time I have to work on it. When I just sort shrugged her off, she said "Or don't go with me, I don't give a shit," as she looked down at her food and poked it around. That was kind of mean.
Anyway. I ended up not having to get wood, because there is some wood that I can use in the art annex right now (I hope.) Dave is still going to help me, though, which is really nice of him.