No Title Given
I feel odd. From being angry and hurt to... I don't know what. I think it's finally happened. I am numb. Alan blames himself for messing me up so much. He did not. I was already in pieces when he found me... He just distorted them so badly that it's impossible to put them back together again. It makes me think of ashes being blown in the wind. He was supposed to be my hero... The one to save me from me. I'm not mad, nor hurt, I don't think... Possibly I just feel justified? I usually love to live in the past, but for some reason I can't keep a running train of thought about what he told me. Either I have "grown" like I wanted, or the blow from this new information has knocked me so hard that I can't think straight anymore. Either is very possible... It would be so different if there was any hope between us, which a really sick part of me still does wish for, but there is not... the drugs and fear drive me away. I don't think it's possible to ever fall out of love with someone; or, that is what experience is showing me. I'll always love him in some way. Sarita, my suitemate, said I was repeating my parent's relationship, which sickens me. And doesn't surprise me.