Hooplah.Org A Story of Graceful Stumbles

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I realized I had not taken any pictures of me with my grad hat on. So... I'm bored. I didn't want to mess up the gown, so I only messed with the hat. I even made sure the tassel was on the correct side... for those who don't know, that's my right right side. (your left.)

gradcap1(05052001).jpg. Caught myself doing this just while looking around. It's my fav picture... It's all downhill from this one.

gradcap2(05052001).jpg. Another one of those "I'm smiling and I'm pretending that I'm at my graduation" looks.

gradcap3(05052001).jpg. '01. Represent.

gradcap4(05052001).jpg. I had to play with the tassel. And what better to play with it with than my nose.

gradcap5(05052001).jpg. A really, really dumb pose.

gradcap6(05052001).jpg. Thinking that I'm pretty funny. (with the poses, and stuff...)

gradcap7(05052001).jpg. Being a grown up.

gradcap8(05052001).jpg. Damn, I'm just so funny.

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I had a dream last night. I seem to have a lot of dreams like it... I say that because I usually don't dream about the same subject more than once. And even though the scenery may change, or even the purpose is slightly altered, it's still the same. They are dreams of Alan. In the dream, I was at some restaurant - possibly representing an exaggerated Red Lobster, since I have been talking about them recently. I get the impression that this was in New Orleans... Possibly because I think it was supposed to be happening during Marte Graw (spelling?). Well... In reality, this was the beginning of some other dream. I remember someone else being at the table with me... but apparently they left, because then Alan was. I can't remember what really happened... I can't remember if we were standing, or what we could have done while we were standing. I remember deciding to be wild and ordering desert, since I never do. Then, Alan was leaving, I guess, and I remember him kissing me. I remember thinking something along the lines of how we had just begun our third try at being together. I was swept off by the though of him kissing me. Like I could almost feel it. Almost as if I got that tingly emotional feeling that I have been so sure I've not experienced in real life. I'm not even sure if it was an actual figment of my imagination, or if at one point I had felt something like that. Either way, it graced the dream with a happy note. I woke up shortly after words, and as always, I woke up thinking the dream was true. As everyone does, I guess. I just hate that harsh reality. It's almost as if a part of you knows what is really true, and it rapidly sends your mind into thought until you realize that it really was. Just some dream. I have a lot of dreams about Alan. I remember kissing him, and then getting on the back of a motorcycle. I hate motorcycles, so I'm not really sure how that fit in. In that dream, it wasn't that we were getting back together, but it was that we were never apart. That was after the first time we broke up. It saddens me. A while ago, I tried to imagine what Alan could be doing right now. He may very well have found someone else. I imagined what it would look like to see him and another girl together. To see what kind of reaction it would provoke in me. The fact that my mental image focused in on Alan, and thought about how much he probably wanted whoever he was with. And the fact that I once had that attention. I've been rather oblivious the past couple of weeks, but today has left me very sullen.

A lot of things have been going through my mind recently. I've been focusing in on Lindsay and Carl's relationship. I wouldn't say I've become obsessed with what they have... I just wish I could watch them together. I wish I knew what they talked about... I'm not quite sure where this curiosity really comes from. But, I do know for a fact that I am jealous. Not so much because they ended up together, but because it came so easy for them. Lindsay accepted Carl's asking to be his girlfriend after one question, and now they have something so deep that I can't even watching them like I wish they could. Why did it come to easy for them? Since I was 11 I have been restlessly seeking someone that could appreciate me, and want to here what I have to say, and help me figure out the problems that life faces us with. And just the way they interact, and what they know about each other, and what's going on in their lives... All I want is to be able to hug someone. And feel secure. Something everyone wants, I guess. But is it so hard for the people that NEED that attention to get it. And it become harder and harder to watch the people who already have it. I am endlessly happy for the both of them for being able to have something so meaningful. I just need a hug.

I've been trying to fix myself. There were things I noticed about myself when I was with Alan that I never knew were as extreme as they were. Even though me and him were obviously not meant to be together, there were certain things that I did that didn't make it any better. My jealousy, and my constant need for attention in order to feel secure was the cause of many of our arguments. This is something that I have noticed about Lindsay and Carl - Lindsay seems so passive, and accepting. Maybe it's because I have never seen her angry. But it amazes me the way she reacts to Carl. I'm trying to hard to learn from her. It seems as though she doesn't even try, and she gets everything. It seems as though everything has just come to her. Because Lindsay is a little piece of perfect... I almost feel honored to be her friend. Sometime when she is talking, my mind drifts off (not in a daydreaming way) and I wonder how I managed to have her as a friend. That sounds odd... But I worship her in some weird way. Like a fan would a movie star. When I think about it, it almost leaves me speechless to come up with a response. It's just... I wish I could be more like her. I have so many obvious problems with my temper and my emotions. I have heard some stories about her having massive emotional cry-fits, which relieved me greatly. To know I related to her on that level... It's just weird. A lot of my friendships have been strained because I feel like I can't get too close (like with Stephen - just because he a boy) and others I feel as though it's good company, but maybe expendable. I don't think I've ever really loved a friend. It's a weird feeling... Very weird.

I hate sounding like everyone else. But those are my thoughts. I guess I'll recap today tomorrow. I'm too tired of typing to keep going.

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I want to return my legs. I think I got a faulty pair. Blah. Working, and then added that I have been using a Buttmaster the past 3 days straight makes my legs feel uncomfortable. I asked for more hours at work, and damn if I didn't get some. I work Monday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon, Thursday afternoon, and Friday afternoon. The good part? Saturday off. And if I have another schedule like this next week, my paycheck will break $200. Should be around $220, to be exact. Hells yes. I need money for June and Fl. And for college, too.

Since February, I have been growing my pinky nail... And, I would guess it was at least a 1/2 an inch long, if not longer. And I broke it a little less than 1/2 that length at work. Progressively, the protective layer of nail polish that I had on came off in sections, until I was left with a bare (and very weak) fang of a pinky nail. Then, suddenly, I actually noticed a difference in my finger, looked, and it was gone. The worst part? I couldn't find the broken off part. That means it probably ended up in someone's food. Yummy. Oh well... The nail seems to look better short, anyway. I told Valery to tell them I was sorry if anyone called.

Blah... I'm exhausted. I don't have to be at work until 4 tomorrow. Then I work for 6 hours. I just... I need sleep right now. I'm not sure what I'm still doing up. I missed the rerun of Dennis Miller Live. I'm watching The Mummy... If I can't do see The Mummy Returns, I guess this will do.

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May. May already. 4 days past, no less. Almost a month until school ends, and a month until graduation. I've been trying to prolong the experience of high school... Which is not a reason why I haven't written in here very much. I can't wait to go to FL and take pictures and go to the beach with my friends... Although, I have been having some VERY negative thoughts about one of the people that are going. Is it bad to wish that they were not going? Yes, it is. It just... I know I'm not the only one feeling it. And I know I'm not the only one sharing this feeling. It's horrible. Horrible thing to say and feel. I hope like hell it will be different on the road, and in FL. The last thing I need is a complaining individual raining on my parade. Maybe it's just the impression I have been getting from them recently, because it's a very detached form of communication that is only used when issues or annoying decisions need to be made. But, anyway. I don't have my Psychology class anymore (took the final test [that was not even an exam - just a usual ending of chapter test]) so I got to go in late today. But, not THAT late... I have to freaking work today. I want to skip Algebra, because they're taking a practice SOL test. So dumb. I don't need to pass it. I have an A in the class... It won't kill me to not go. Yeah, that's what I think I'll do. Yeah, I'm doing that.

Anyway. Here's some pictures of me that I took this morning. Hopefully I'll be able to get some pictures of me in my prom dress shortly. I'll just need some assistance in getting them, due to the fact that the softwear that came with my little camera does not have an autosnap feature. Bitches.

side(05042001).jpg. A side picture of me... Yay?

sidestare(05042001).jpg. The same as above, but this time I was staring into the camera.

sidelook(05042001).jpg. From the side... and looking...

lightside(05042001).jpg. Sitting up now... my face looks so white for some reason. Oh well.

awaylightlightside(05042001).jpg. The same light trick as above, but this time I'm looking away. Heh... I always take so many pictures of the same positions, but just look in a different direction.

eyesclosedlight(05042001).jpg. Trying to show off my purple eye shadow... But you can't really see it... Just take my word for it.

radiatelight(05042001).jpg. I really like this picture.

What has really been taking up my time is the fact that I have been trying to sell beanie babies online and what not as to help in my college fund. I sold one online for $28... Not bad, I guess. I'm going to a yard sell at the elementary school on the 12th to try to sell some to the old people that will come. Stephen's mom is letting me share a table with her, which was really nice of her. I've just got to take up as little room as possible.

Blah. We got assigned seats in 4th period, Anatomy, but the table with the pretty, popular, jock girls were not moved around. That pissed me off. I never talked really, and damn if I wasn't moved. This is why I haven't been liking Ms Filep as much as I used to... She's obviously changed, and become a lot more main stream. Liking the same kids that all the other teachers like.

I want to stop. Bye.