No Title Given
I had to work today (of course - my legal day off from school) and Joan was position behind me. I always talk to Joan. I seem to have a way of cracking her up. She always says I'm "a trip." I was talking to her about random guys, and she is usually the one with the info on who is stalking me and what not. I suppose she is just a people person like that. She told me that Jason (the older guy with the kid and the bad teeth) no longer likes me. That I don't "do it for him anymore." Hmmph. That disappointed me. I like knowing that at least someone wants me... Gives me some sort of weird confidence. (Sounds a little vein, but this is coming from someone who was told that she was ugly almost daily when I was 11 through 13. People barked at me in the hallways. But, that is another story.)
To further burst my bubble, I told Joan that Daniel was also very cold to me recently. And she told me that he was very hurt because of what happened between us. I went out with him 4 times, kissed him twice... I had a great time with him. Conversation went smoothly between us, and we had the common interest of video games, so we could play them in dull moments. But... There was just something about the situation that was missing. I felt nothing. I did try, and I wish I had. It just wasn't there. And since I am very non confrontational (Stephen's word) I did the only thing I knew how to do... Go straight back to how things were. I was also busy at the time, which made that action of mine seem rather small, when in reality, it was horrible timing. I had spent Valentines day at his house, and he had written me a poem. A freaking poem. And had bought an adorable red bear and tied the rolled up poem to the bear with a red ribbon. Yes, looking back, I can see how he would have done anything I wanted. I can see how vulnerable he was. I could see it when I looked at him, and the way he looked at me. And my urge to not have to tell him I did not share his feelings, and just try to transition back to normal probably just hurt him more. Over the past couple of weeks, I have seen him, and I can tell how much it bothers him to be around me. I can tell that me trying to talk to him and be nice to him is not exactly welcome. He was at work today, and I was afraid to talk to him. Despite how much I wanted to just say anything, or to even have him acknowledge me, I stayed quiet, and slowly turned around and found something to do at my register. I didn't want him to hate me... But it appears that we're no longer friends.
I'm pretty sick right now. I can just feel it in my nose... It feel as though I have been punched, or something. It's a raw feeling at the top of my nose on the right side. I'm complete with sneezing and coughing. It's the common cold, I guess. I missed school on Thursday (which seems so long ago now) because of this. I went to work, though, even thought I felt worse. Gotta work express tomorrow, too. 7 hours of that stupid shit. I hope I get a lunch... Sometimes they give it for 7 hours...
Damn... I just remembered that I forgot to pick up my pay check. And Carl has about $47 of the $50 he owes me... Although, it is in change. In a box. I think I'll make him count it out, since it's going back into my account. My balance should then be about $654, or so... Not counting the paycheck I just received, and a $50 check from the state for taxes. I would have had an additional $200 in the account if I didn't have to pay Radford it to reserve my seat. Sort of pointless to mention that, because it's money gone for a good reason, but I feel like I haven't saved anything since it's stayed in the $600's for ages. Just knowing I could almost have $900 makes me feel better.
Blah. I have my guinea pig Prickles a bath when I got home. Not exactly an ideal evening closer, but I got off work an hour early, and he needed it. But now I smell like him. Yuck.
I can't think of anything else to write about... I'm trying to keep writing, because I'm listening to a CD, and I know when I'm done in here, I'll find something else to do rather than listen to the CD. But I WANT to listen to the CD... Damn. How many other people can manipulate theirs elves. I'm just special.
No Title Given
I felt like crap for the majority of the day. Sneezing and a coughing and a massive head ache that spanned across my entire forehead. I took the test in Algebra, and I'm pretty sure my health condition had a big effect on my condition. Because I skipped school yesterday (actually did feel bad... But only for about 10 minutes when I woke up that morning. I rationalized that my day was shot from there.) I did not get a nice review of what would be on the test, and how to do the problems. I looked over my notes, but there were things that I had not spent time looking at on the test. And piece by piece, I made up a procedure to complete the problem. Hopefully the bullshit I pumped out was correct. If it is, then that only proves that I have the ability of remembering and applying what I've learned. Something I don't really remember being able to do. But I guess it doesn't matter if I missed more than 5... With 33 questions, and 15 points extra credit, I could miss around 5 and still get a 100. Not bad.
Despite my shitty feeling I went into town with my mother today. We got PizzaHut pizza and also went to Wall-Mart for a few things. Since my parent's Ward's card has now turned into a Wall-Mart card, they completely went crazy with buying pants and what not. I bought a couple of things. I conned my mother into purchasing 3 CD's, we got my shampoo (that she complains about how often we buy. She doesn't seem to understand that my shit load of hair is a big factor as to why I need to buy so much.), and we also got some hair dye. It's a light red color. My hair is not really red, but I want it to be. My hair has a lot of ash color in it, and under florescent lighting, my hair looks green. And I hate that. So I'm going to dye it orange. There's a solution for every problem...
I finally told my mother the exact date that I lost my virginity. She knew it happened during the first week that Alan was visiting, but she did not know it was the first night. She was understanding about it, because she could tell I was ashamed of it, and she got a better understanding of how much of a problem pressure and sex were between me and Alan. My mother could relate to my experience, which is why she couldn't really freak out about it. I was glad she didn't. I was glad we could just talk like, well, women about it. That's a stereotypical thing to say. But I'm starting to like how I'm understanding those cliche things more and more. I just wish I didn't feel so dumb for saying something that has been said so much that is has that stale used-to effect on people. Worn out words have lost their meaning, and there are no other words that give the situation justice... Blah. I'm typing just to type now.
Stephen got the real information about the plan that was for prom, and his source of information had everything all mixed up. The wanted one of Stephen's friends to go to prom with a certain girl as a pity date because her dad just died. That's just horrible. But, to me, it meant that Stephen was free to ask out, and I did. He can cancel on me if he likes. I sensed some hesitation when I asked him... he might have wanted to go with Emily. Who knows.
I'm debating on whether I want to miss school tomorrow. I do feel really crappy. I am only typing this because I am listening to one of the new CD's and have nothing better to do than write... It's weird how the internet has lost a lot of it's flair. At least the line of work I am going into could mean I could be making advertisement posters and shit like that... The internet is just to needy, and time consuming.
I'm no longer depressed about Alan. I've accepted the fact that it was a another mistake to chalk up on my list. The whole two years of it - almost 3. That equals 7 years of my short 18 that were spent enduring unneeded stress and pain. Its lack of worth is based on the fact that it was not a fruitful journey for me. I did not come out of the experience learning anything about myself that I did not already know. I only carry more emotional baggage now, which is nothing that deserves a thank you or even the privilege of recognition. Regret is a horrible thing to lable such a supposed important experience with someone... But it is not worth anything to me anymore. And I am sorry and disappointed with myself that it ever did.
... And I have no desire to talk about that again.
No Title Given
The Sims House Party Expansion Pack starts shipping today! I preordered it yesterday, making my first official purchase online. (I think..) I'll probably get the game sometime around Thursday for Friday. Then I can give Stephen the Livin Large Expasion pack, which the game is dead boring without.
No Title Given
I don't know why I am still awake. Wide awake, no less; not even the slightest bit drowsy. I guess the whole fact that I don't have to be awake until 7 has me thinking I can stay up longer. Maybe it's the fact that I had Stephen over today to play N64 games (our usual when he comes over), but today I also introduced him to The Sims. I gave him the first CD (not the current expansion pack that I'm running) and told him to call me when he got everything up and running, or if he had any questions. (My random idea of giving him the game made me completely overlook giving him the game manual.) He called me once around 6:40, asked two questions, but then had to do because it was dinner time at his house. He said he would call back in a 1/2 hour, and obviously it has been longer than that. I could possibly be subconsciously be still awake and wired because of that, or just having excited energy of being able to hear what the thought of the game. Or... Maybe I'm still awake because I am listening to my father get ready for work. I saw him when he got home this morning... He was coming up the hallway, while I was finishing my routine of getting ready. Whenever I see him in his uniform, I can almost sense some hesitation in the way he carries himself. He seems to quicken his pace to get by, and looks down. I am not sure if this is really what his body language is showing, or if it is a combination of his normal habits that I have just forgotten, and the new found guilt I have for him going back to work. Before, I never cared about the fact that he had been working since he was 9. He would say that after two years of being retired, he was already bored. He said he wanted to go back to work. But the fact that I can tell that he's isolated at his work, and it only exhausts him and probably is making him feel more alone, makes me feel horrible. Even while writing this, I'm trying to think of some way to ask him how he is. I know there is nothing I can say to make him lose the job, nor do I have very much room in the words that I choose to keep him from yelling at me. Maybe I'll e-mail him. That's my usual tactic for addressing sensitive issues with him, anyway.
I look a Psychology test on Friday. I think I did pretty damn well. Mainly because I was done first, as I knew all the answers to be able to be breeze through it. I took another test today, in Anatomy, which I am pretty sure I got either an A or a high B in, simply because I am the shit. I have an Algebra test approaching on Wednesday... I'm looking forward to it, since I have noticed that I am able to TEACH the content that I have been learning to other people in the class who do not understand. But, watch, I'll make tons of dumbfuck mistakes and get a B like I did last time.
Feels good to be complaining about getting B's.
In the back of my mind is the issue of prom... Stephen will probably be apart of a complicated plan to try to get two people together (one unwilling, of course) and Stephen may basically have to play as a pity date. So, that leaves me dateless... I guess I don't mind going stag, but I really wanted a date. Blah. I seriously doubt that no one will ask me... And if Bobby asks me, I will have to say I already have a date. I wasted homecoming on him... He's not getting prom, too.
But I'll show everyone. Everyone who isn't asking me, that is. On May 19th, I am going to look so hot...
No Title Given
I was a little surprised at Sandy today. Well, maybe not surprised, but whatever reaction I had, whether I predicted it or not, made me angry with her. She asked me if I had asked Lindsay and Carl about leaving graduation night to go to Florida, and I told her I sort of had. I told her that they wanted to got to a party if there was one, as I would too, but since no one knows if there would be a party or not, the topic just sort of dropped. Actually, I do know of one person who is throwing a party (or will no doubt be throwing one) but the party that we go to would have to be one that I wasn't scared to go to. But, anyway. Sandy got quiet after I said that, which obviously meant either she didn't like it or she thought it was dumb. When I asked her, her exact response was: "I'm not really worried about going to one, but if ya'll want to go to one then that's fine." I don't really see Sandy as a party person, but neither am I, and I would still value the experience of going. I tried to explain to her that it may not really be "wanting" to go per say, but trying to make one more memory with the people you grew up with. Sandy just repeated herself with the response, blaming her dislike of big groups of people. (So she can go to prom, but she can't go to this? Yeah, that's logic.) She went on to explain that she would only miss the people who were her friends, and not the people who she barley talked to. And I'll admit, friends do matter most in experiences like that. But I would not try to deny the fact that no matter how little I saw, spoke to, or liked or disliked these people, that they were apart of my life. They went through the same thing that I did, during the same time of my life. My childhood memories are full of their faces. And whether I like it or not, there will be an empty space in my life where they were, no matter if they were only the shadows on my world. I personally think anyone who doesn't even have a will to participate in things like this either wasted their youth with superficial enthusiasm, or will no doubtably regret it later on. When they're middle aged, and would rather look to their past than their future. I'm smart enough to plan ahead to avoid regret over something that seems so little now, but might mean the world later on. It disappoints me that Sandy isn't.
But, speaking of my Florida beach week vacation thing (mentioned somewhere in the mass of typing above) Carl and Lindsay got our time off for the vacation on Saturday. We're taking off the 9th through the 20th, which I was ok with. Lindsay came into work at two, but before she showed up, Carl was waiting up at the office. It made more sense when Lindsay arrived and they were requesting the time off.... I guess Lindsay needed someone else giving her confidence, or possibly a backup when asking. I had forgotten to ask when I came in, and was glad. I was wondering what the hell they were talking about until Carl came over to tell me the dates, and if they were ok with me.
Something I've noticed about myself: I go through obsession phases. A couple of weeks ago, all I could do was talk about going to the beach, and where we could go, and what not. I was living and breathing it. I actually held on to the obsession a little too long (very unlike me) and it was actually putting some strain on my friendship with Lindsay. I started having dreams of my friends and random people from school. They were rich, textured dreams that I could easily remember, and they were long, and I had about 4 of them in a row on week. They've stopped now, since I started playing the The Sims to get rid of some pressure. And after I got accepted to Radford, I went into another scholarship furry. I just get more and more frustrated when I realize that I missed all the freaking deadlines. With all the scholarships out there, the only thing that keeps me from getting pissed is that I'm pretty sure I'll be able to win myself a free rid for next year if I plan well. Today I sent out a poem I wrote for school back in 1999. In reality, it will probably be a sucky poem in comparison to the other ones that will be submitted. But at least I can say I tried, instead of sitting around with a thumb up my ass.
I'm really, really tired of typing.