No Title Given
I really don't want to think about the test or the scores for a while. I don't like the way I've handled the it, and I just want to forget about it for a while.
I think I might have done good. I felt like I was getting all the answers right. They seemed easy. But I also knew I wouldn't really be able to know if I was getting them right. If that's understandable.
I paid a lot of attention to the other people taking the test. Since I was a "stand by"/"walk in", I got to watch everyone go threw the line. Being in Culpeper High School, I wish I had worn my old OCHS gym shirt or something, but I thought that would be too obvious. I'm way too school spirited, and I was just screaming for some opportunity for them to become aware that I was from OC. I remembered the orange and blue tassel in my truck, and that satisfied me. I knew no one would even notice it, but when I left, I still watched for people that might see it.
During the test, I wanted to walk around the halls. I was in the cafeteria, and it seems as though their school was a mixture of a goodie-goodie high school and an elementary school, because their walls were covered with encouraging school-related posters, like the "ABC's Of Good Academics." Cutsie shit. There are basically no posters in my school's hallways - they are usually covered in paintings instead. I was seated way in the back; or, the back in relation to where the desks were pointing. I kept staring at the doors leading out of the gym on both the right and the left. All I could see was just some small portions of a hallway. I thought it was interesting that the high school and the middle school were joined; I wanted to go see if I could find the middle school. I wanted to do that in just the same way that I wanted to pick my calculator up. It drives me nuts to use a calculator while it's flat against a table. So I ended up looming over it while I punched in the numbers. I'll bet I looked funny.
I'm going to see a movie with Sandy this afternoon, for her 18th birthday, which just happens to be today. I can't remember the exact title of the movie, and I'm too lazy to look it up. I know it has the word "spice" in the title, and it's about cheerleaders who rob places, or something. Whatever.
As long as I'm in the writing mood, I might as well write about everything I neglected to over the past week. I've gotten into the habit of going to lunch with both Lindsay and Stephen, although both of them take a considerably long time to leave third period and come down to the parking lot. I actually left Lindsay at school one day last week because I waited for a while and assumed that she was either not there today or was staying after for a little bit with Ms Ross. I took Stephen instead, because he was there. I almost left her again the next day, but I passed her as I was leaving the parking lot and picked her up. On Thursday, I almost left both Stephen and Lindsay. I cannot stand waiting. There's so little time during lunch, you have to move. MOVE. Ugh.
Also, on Wednesday, I had a whole baby crisis of someone parking in my parking spot. When I arrived at school on Wednesday for second period, I was astonished when I saw someone in my spot. I knew exactly who she was, too, as she had been bouncing from parking place to parking place, getting kicked out of each one for weeks. I parked in another parking spot, and got out of my car without locking the doors or getting my stuff, and went to the office to report her. They're supposed to tow the person right then. But, no, they had a message sent to her to move her little car. And she did. But, when I came back out after third period, there was another car in my spot. This time a little while BMW. I freaking out, and went over to the car. First I slammed my book bag on the hood, and proceeded to make a note saying "DO NOT PARK IN MY PARKING SPOT" and clipped it under my windshield. When I picked my book bag back up, I swung it out to my left and let it slam against this person's bumper. I really didn't care if I damaged it any. I actually wanted to take my keys and scratch their paint job with it. If they're in my parking spot, they are, after all, could almost be considered my property. Sort of, anyway. Enough so that I was feeling like I had the right take out my keys and draw a dick on their hood.
I developed a plan to wait after school to see who it was when they got in their car. I couldn't wait long enough, and just left. But I know who they are now, though. And I'm going to get them towed.
On Thursday, me and Stephen went by video club and rented some movies. 4, actually. I kept 3 and he kept 1.
And that was my week...
No Title Given
I'm at a really odd place in my life recently. Slightly disenchanted. No doubt a side effect of myself changing into someone else. Again. I've been comparing my current self to how I was when I was 14 and 15, and I no longer recognize that person as myself. It's as if my memories are full of the events of a stranger. That's such a corny and cliche thing to say, but I have no other way to put it. It's surreal to be left with such a feeling. Something I've noticed that's different is that I don't feel as important as I used to. Although, this is a feeling I have lost recently, in the past month. That very thing was what probably caused my little fit of sadness a couple weeks back, as well lack of updates here. I'm better, but it has left me feeling like I'm already an old failure. I look at my friends, and how they took advantage of things when they were younger instead of dodging any and all forms of work and responsibility. They have a better shot at things than me, because they earned it, and it makes me insanely jealous. I feel as though I have already botched everything for myself. I feel helpless and humbled, because I only have myself for blame. I feel guilty. And what a horrible thing to feel guilty about. I don't have any excuse to give myself. Other than it's just in my genetics to be dumb. Can't beat nature, right.
And, basically, that is why I am so uptight college. I've gotten to the point where I hate saying the words "SAT" and "college." I still see them as such stupid things, but I still want them so badly. I don't think I can bare watching everyone else just leave me behind. I used to have nightmares like that when I was younger. I hate being alone, or feeling alone. I hate not being able to do something simply because I can't. What's worse than being unable and incapable.
No Title Given
I'm a little bit pissed. I was taking the Geometry section of a practice test, and I was getting so many right. I know I was, because I got threw the test in a considerably less amount of time than most of my others. It was the most right answers I had ever gotten. But when I was done, what was my score? 19%. That's bullshit. I'm starting to believe that these tests are giving false results.
I need some stress relief, so I am going to play the Sims. Then, I'll come back, and take another test. And I damn well better get more than a 50%.
No Title Given
I didn't even set my alarm this morning. I had a good night's sleep; sometimes crying can help with sleep. I think I slept around 9 hours once I woke up around 8:20 or so. No one in my house tried to wake me up any earlier. It's almost amazing how my parents just let me stay home. I tell them I am; I don't even ask. I flat out told my mother yesterday the two important things I had going on today, and she just nodded her head, and continued to watch the movie we were watching.
I had some yogurt for breakfast. Strawberry. It seemed like a good choice.
I'm not even sure if I should take tons of SAT practice tests today. I don't want to tire myself for tomorrow. I have been so worried because all of the practice tests I have taken, since they all rank me somewhere below the 40 percentile. Usually closer to 30. But, also, I answered all the questions. Even the ones I knew I didn't know. That's not something usual people do on the test, nor something I will do. I was talking to my friend Mike, and he told me he got a 1000; and when he got his test scores back, he was informed that he probably cheated himself out of 200 points, because he answered every question, whether he knew the answer or not. That puts me in better spirits, because if I'm making about 800 now answering all the questions, there's a possibility I could get an extra 200 points by not answering questions I didn't know. A 1000 would be nice.
I'm trying to think positively. I just wish I didn't have to try to make myself feel better.
No Title Given
I am very stressed, and I keep crying when I think of what my reaction will be to get my SAT scores back in a couple of weeks. A year ago I couldn't care less about college, and now, it seems there is no other option. I don't want to wait a year, and I don't want to go to a community college. The majority of my friends have been trying to help me feel better about it all. Things like that have immeasurable value to me, but a the moment, I'm having a hard time appreciating it. Because at the moment, no other option is acceptable than going this fall. Everything else is failing to me, in one form or another. I don't care if I know I'm dumb. I just don't want to feel dumb. Anything else just isn't "good" enough, which is pure snobbery. I've been trying to change that point of view, but it's just too much. Doing anything else than what I want right now will end up making me lose all my interest in college. I give up easily when my hopes are high.
I'm debating on whether I want to skip school tomorrow for a full day of rest and practice tests. Of course, I just had to have an Algebra 2 test scheduled for tomorrow. And the people from Germanna will be doing registration and fees for the Psych. But I guess I will just have to miss it. I'll probably just be crying all day, anyway. I'd much rather do that at home.