No Title Given
I'm at a really odd place in my life recently. Slightly disenchanted. No doubt a side effect of myself changing into someone else. Again. I've been comparing my current self to how I was when I was 14 and 15, and I no longer recognize that person as myself. It's as if my memories are full of the events of a stranger. That's such a corny and cliche thing to say, but I have no other way to put it. It's surreal to be left with such a feeling. Something I've noticed that's different is that I don't feel as important as I used to. Although, this is a feeling I have lost recently, in the past month. That very thing was what probably caused my little fit of sadness a couple weeks back, as well lack of updates here. I'm better, but it has left me feeling like I'm already an old failure. I look at my friends, and how they took advantage of things when they were younger instead of dodging any and all forms of work and responsibility. They have a better shot at things than me, because they earned it, and it makes me insanely jealous. I feel as though I have already botched everything for myself. I feel helpless and humbled, because I only have myself for blame. I feel guilty. And what a horrible thing to feel guilty about. I don't have any excuse to give myself. Other than it's just in my genetics to be dumb. Can't beat nature, right.
And, basically, that is why I am so uptight college. I've gotten to the point where I hate saying the words "SAT" and "college." I still see them as such stupid things, but I still want them so badly. I don't think I can bare watching everyone else just leave me behind. I used to have nightmares like that when I was younger. I hate being alone, or feeling alone. I hate not being able to do something simply because I can't. What's worse than being unable and incapable.