Hooplah.Org

I’m now watching the movie To Wong Foo, which I just love. And I caught it at the beginning. Things are beginning to look up.

I’m incredibly bored. I’m finding I don’t much care for the variety of movie channels now, because I have gotten a little tired of watching the same movies again and again. I’ve tried getting cheat codes of the games I have gotten for Christmas, but they have not improved my ability to play any of them any, so my interest is only further lost. I’m left looking around my room, and then just deciding to crawl into my comfortable bed with the sheets that smell too much like me, only to realize the last thing I want to do is go to sleep. I tried to make some scrambled eggs with cheese in the microwave, but they taste rather disgusting.

When I was making my eggs, I went into the refrigerated to get some butter. I was about to open the tub, when on the top I noticed a stream of red letters that said “collector’s edition.” And I actually flipped the container around to look at the holiday picture to decide whether I would want to keep it. It’s a boring afternoon indeed.

I have been thinking. I have been thinking ever since someone said to me, “you just miss having a boyfriend.” It’s comments like that that make me think. It’s comments like that that I like, because they influence me to take a step back from where I am already standing in my perspective. It wasn’t until I was reading one of the online journals that I visit daily that I realized something. It was just a simple sentence that I read that contained the words “my boyfriend.” I realized just how much I hated those words together. I hated the meaning of them, and I hated the idea. I felt repulsed at the sound of them in my mind. I realized that for the first time in a very long time I did not want that kind of companionship. I didn’t have any kind of secret longing to use those words myself. I don’t suppose I am ready for that yet.

But I still have a very strong longing to have someone. In some weird way, it is different than a “boyfriend”… Or maybe it’s just particular people that stir this kind of internal conflict.

I made some attempts to make plans for today. With Brian. And it just didn’t work out, I guess. It really had nothing to do with New Years, I just wanted to see him. I tried. I probably came off as too persistent. I’m a little disappointed.

I finally watched the Kathy and Mo show tonight on HBO. And honestly, I have never laughed more in my life. It was just good woman humor. It was rich.

It’s hard to believe that in about 24 hours the year 2000 will be over. That’s all that’s left. I really enjoyed this year, and I’m not ready for 2001. I don’t want it yet. I don’t even have a full grasp on the fact that it is the end of 2000. I do not have any new years resolutions, or any sort of plans. If I could live forever in time period, I would. To stay 18 and stay hopeful, and stay in the shelter of school and childhood friends. It saddens me when I am at a point in my life that I know I will want to live again once I become middle aged, and I’m not really living it. I’m just spending my time in childlike awe. What kind of memories does that make.