No Title Given
I painted my nails a really slutty purple color. I don't know how got back into the habit of wearing nail polish, but it's becoming addicting. I have to have it on, and when I have it on, I have to peal it off. What a perfect waste of money.
Oh, by the way, I drove James home again. James, the third part of Stephen's orgy adventure. Stephen was thrilled, but I would have rather gotten away without. James is cool and everything, and he's funny, but his recent attitude toward me (or, his new bluntness of a long time obsession) makes me uncomfortable to be around him. I can tell, because usually I am so sure of myself when I talk when I am comfortable, and when I mean for something to be a joke, people laugh. When I'm around James, I'm very quiet, and no one laughs. It's almost embarrassing. And him trying so damn hard to try to convince me out of being with Alan has gotten annoying.
Speaking of Alan... I have realized something. I love Alan's personality. But there are a lot of things that I dislike. A lot. It's mean for me to be saying it, but it is true. Yet, I do not want to break up with him. It's just... I'm scared I've inherited my mother's tolerance to those she loves. Like how she can take my father and all of his insults and arrogance. I want someone who likes to cuddle. Someone that will stay and hold me after sex instead of getting up and getting dressed. And for sex to be out of love, not just pleasure. Or at least have it feel that way. Someone who doesn't take everything I say into a joke, and someone who isn't too serious. I want someone who isn't so business like, and I want someone to have a better perspective of life and what it has to offer if only they'd look farther than 3 feet in front of them. I want someone who's actions are influenced by their love for me, as I do for them. Just like my mother does for my dad, but only being able to receive it, too. No matter how much I have argued, or tried to even alter or change Alan, he doesn't do, nor understand, 1/2 of these requests and requirements of mine. His latest phrase is, "Any other girl would be so happy..." If any other girl were told she'd be getting the opposite of everything I listed, the offer wouldn't be to tempting, which is for sure. I just wish he'd magically turn into these things. I know he slightly tries to give me what I want. I think it's sad that when I kiss him, that I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything when he touches me, or when we're intimate. There is no rush of feelings over me. I don't even know if it happens for him, the way he was exposed to sexual acts. But I want that. I want someone to run chills up my spine, instead of accusing me of being ungreatful to all that is him.
i am very sad.
No Title Given
I just e-maield my chemistry teacher. I've always wanted to be "friends" with teachers, like I see so many other people do... I just have such a hard time. When teachers talk to me, I relate it to how I was when I was little, and how I always got in trouble for the things I said or did at that particular moment. I always seemed to screw up, so now, I can barley talk to them. To a younger teacher, it has gotten easier, but a sizable age gap still clams me up. I feel like I'm being judged, and something either funny or intelligent should be coming out of my mouth.
Goodness. I, just now, discovered and defined a whole new hang-up I have. What a thing to witness... And all I wanted to say what that I wrote a somewhat "friendly" e-mail to my chem teacher. Hope she responds with something friendly, if she even responds at all.
No Title Given
So, what happened yesterday...
It was horrible. When I got on the bus, I had one of those sick feelings that varied from my chest, stomach, and throat. This feeling started Monday afternoon, only it was just a slight feeling of uncomfortableness. On the bus, I think I even explained to Stephen that this feeling felt as though I had the choice to throw up or not. It was as if I concentrated on puking, then it would happen. If I willed it, or whatever. The feeling only got worse during my first period, Psychology. I had not had anything to eat that day, but during class, I slipped one of those orange peanut candies. It was just a bad feeling all over, and it was just getting worse and worse.
By the time I got to second period, I felt horrible. I think I began to have a panic attack, because my face became pale, and felt cold. I felt cold flashes down both sides of my face near my ears, and I knew I couldn't stay there. I am a little scared of throwing up, and the fact that my pace started to race, and that I felt so dizzy, I thought I was going to blow or pass out or die right then. I knew for certain that I didn't want to be there - I just wanted to lay down in my bed. About 15 minutes or so into class, I informed my government teacher that I needed to go to the bathroom. He started saying that he would write me a pass to go to the bathroom, but I told him not to, since I would probably be a while. When he seemed to ignore me, I tried to speak up more, and told him I thought I was going to throw up and didn't know how long I would be. He handed me the pass anyway, and I left, with one of my classmates giving me a smart assed comment that there was a trash can in the classroom if I needed it. If I was going to pass out or die, I'd rather do it in the bathroom.
I just went into the horrible looking and feeling girl's bathroom, and squatted in front of the toilet. My arms were tingling, as if they were waking up from being asleep. I just stayed there, waiting for the feeling to either get over with, or go away. Sitting there, the feeling went away. Amazingly. I got up, which only brought me back to wobbly legs, and went down the hall to get a quick drink of water. I felt better, but just by walking, I knew it wasn't gone.
Shortly after getting back to class, my teacher informed us all that we would be going to the library to do some research. I was still doing ok, and everything.... Walking felt better than sitting. While being in the library, everything came back. Me and Sandy were sitting at computers, supposed to be looking up political issues online. I told her I thought I needed to have a drink of some sort, so she gave me a sip of some diet Coke that she had. About 5 minutes after I drank that, I told my teacher that I was going to the bathroom again. I chose the same stall, since I had already gotten used to that particular bowl. And I threw up. It wasn't even all that bad. The Coke was the only thing in my stomach, and it was over with rather fast. A girl came into the stall next to me, and I informed her of what I was doing, so I wouldn't completely gross her out. After I was done explaining, I realized I was done puking. I came out, washed my mouth out, and came back into the Library. I felt great after words, which is something unusual. I felt really great.
I sat back down beside Sandy. We talked some more, and she said, "You want me to take you home?" She knows how my father is about driving down to Orange to pick me up, and how he yells at me the whole way home. She was writing a note that she could give to the attendance office, and she asked me to sign it. Then, I went up to my government teacher and asked to go to the nurse's office so I could go home. He's rather nice, which most of my classmates don't realize. He gave me the pass, and I went down stairs.
Our school's nurse is rather... freaky. She personally doesn't like me, due to her confronting me in the hallways over rather stupid things. I awkwardly told her I was there, and signed my name in. When she got off the phone, she asked me what was wrong. I told her I had gotten sick, and wanted to go home. She asked me into her office so she could examine me. I felt rather awkward, because there were two other people in the room already, just sitting. I'm guessing they were her student aids. Anyway, she took my temperature, and asked me why I thought I had gotten sick. I thought it might have had something to do with taken too many birth control pills, but she completely shot down that idea. She was rather pushy with me, and when she asked me for my home phone number, she strained by asking "Are you SURE someone will be home?" I was just like, "I hope." She already knew I had a ride home, and I didn't mind her contacting my father just to give permission for me to leave school. Of course, my father's stupid ass was asleep. She asked me about my mother, and I told her where she worked, and she looked up the phone number of that particular Giant. When she got ahold of my mother, the nurse started saying into the phone, "I think she could make it threw..." and shit like that. This nurse actually had the never to tell me that I could get by during the day - and that if I puked 2 times, then they could think about sending me home. Bullshit. When my mother heard the nurse say that, she told her to hang on. My mother was asking if she could leave work so that she could come and pick me up herself, if the nurse wasn't going to let me go. But, it was my parent's call. So, the nurse reluctantly started filling out the note. It was then she decided to say, "There's something going around, so stay on clear liquids and don't eat anything - that only makes it worse." Yeah, that would be great. She thought I could stick it out, when my next class period would be lunch. That would have been hella smart.
Anyway, Sandy was able to sign out, and she took me home. That was so nice of her. I owe her big time, even though she was glad to get out of third and fourth block.
Today was just plain boring. My government teacher asked me if I was feeling better, which was nice of him, again. In government, we had an assignment on voter apathy. We had to make a sign, or write out a conversation concerning voter apathy. Me and Sandy made a sign. Our sign was cool to. It said in big letters, "Think your vote doesn't count?" and in small letters below that, "well, individually, it doesn't." Then, with big letters, "Vote with a friend." At the bottom we had to have something to tie the notes in we had just taken, so we added, "Peer pressure - it works!" Yeah. We're cool.
In English, we did nothing. I won some candy while playing "Ben", which is basically just a smaller version of "Bingo." I also got a test back with a 100%. Goodness, I rock that class.
Chemistry made me a little angry. We had a test to take today, and yesterday, as I was leaving school early, I forgot to exchange my morning books for my afternoon books, so I did not have access to any of my chemistry stuff. So... I could not complete the usual "make a concept map of the chapter" like we usually do just before the test. Last test, I got away with not having to make one and still took the test. (Although, at the time, I honestly was not aware/had forgotten about this rule.) So, this time around, she only gave out tests to those who had outlines. So, while everyone else took the test, I did chapter objective questions, which a choice B to doing the concept map. By the time I had finished that, it was already 2:12, and I knew I wouldn't be able to start and finish my test in good enough time. So, I just started on the next chapter's outline, which is due tomorrow. I was going to e-mail Ms. Ross my situation from yesterday, but I forgot to. I might as well do it before I sign off tonight, just to save some face for being so incomplete today.
No Title Given
I didn't post yesterday. I didn't feel like it. I ended up calling into work 20 minutes before I was supposed to be there, telling them I had too much homework to complete. Which was very, very true. I had very little understanding of the chapter and the material we were going over, and spent a good 4 hours or so banging my head against my chemistry book, trying to figure out what it was I should know. I also did quite a lot of worksheets, which were surprisingly easy after having read the chapter. (well, most of it. Hard to keep reading when your brain starts getting numb.)
I still have a little I need to do on the bus, which Stephen might help me with. He's such a smartie.
Everyone loved my tiny diary project for English. Although, from the first girl's reaction that I showed it to, I wouldn't have thought they would. I explained what happened to her, and she made a face of surprise at the sight of it, and said "It so tiny". Gee, thank you, girl. As I handed it to my teacher, I was steady apologizing for it, and explaining how it came to be that way. She seemed more interested at how the pages were put together, which I thought was a very clever method, myself. As the class was ending, and everyone started hoarding up around the door, people kept picking up and looking at my little diary. My teacher told me as I was leaving, "They all like your project, they kept picking it up." Made me feel better.
No Title Given
Work was alright yesterday. Even though I was on express, I did not mind. I was keeping a fast pass, and I didn't begin my usual whining in my head, which always kills my mood. I did remember to pick up my pay check, and I got a whopping $85.96. Working less is fun and everything, but I really need another raise. 
I talked to Alan. I was a long talk. It started first online, but he he said "fuck you" to me and signed off, which meant I had to call him. I originally thought I would stand firm and not call, but that usually never happens. We talked for a very long time. Fighting. Personally, I did not really budge on opinions. I think Alan got a better idea of my personal problems in the situation. There really is no winning side, but there is understanding. Ugh, I don't even want to analyze it, because it will just give me a head ache. Basically, the conversation ended with us just putting it off, which is exactly what I don't want to do. Alan will just get deeper and deeper into his situation, and when there is finally a good time to talk about a change, he'll be even less willing to even consider it. Which is not my problem, nor my fault.
... And Manda, thank you so much for the kind words you said in my guestbook. You always have the right things to say to make someone feel better. It's a great gift to give someone, caring, and I only wish I was capable of giving it to you when you need it most.