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I wanted to spend a very long time together with Alan. I wanted to. It's not like I haven't thought about moving to Kentucky, since Alan is too childish to even consider anything else. And all I see is myself in a place that I hate, in a hallow, meaningless job I would hate, and hating the person I am with because they made come there. I would be miserable. I don't understand how Alan could be miserable by starting a new job, probably just as good as the one he has now, in a compromised location, where I would be happy as well. I don't understand how his current position sounds better than that. I don't understand how I'm the only one who is saying, "Yeah, I'll sacrifice everything I have now, and everything I feel, to start anew with you." I don't understand how he says he is working on his future, when I was supposed to be his future. It was supposed to be mine, ours, but he's just ripping me and my heart in pieces.
I have had to adjust to Alan's damn pursuit of a career for the past year. He never asked if it would be ok to take a job that would hurt our relationship; he always just did it. And yet, I still feel I need to ask him if I can die my hair. There is a very big difference of priorities there, don't you think? He always boasts that he tries to please me, when in reality, it has always been me. Me, sacrificing the things I wanted for him and what he wanted. I suffered threw weeks of not being able to talk to him, and yet he still has the balls to say that "any other girl would be so happy." Well, go find the mother fucking bitches, but you'll realize you wouldn't want someone as hallow as you, Alan. It won't seem so good when you start getting what you're giving.
Alan cannot see anything out of his own perspective. Just like my father. He honestly believes that he is the best guy in the entire world. He honestly believes he is doing all these good things, when he doesn't even want to acknowledge that I cry over him and his stupid decisions all of the time. He said I only cause him "head ache and hear ache" - well, fuck, I wonder why I make him feel that way. Could it be that I am physically hurting from the situation? No, it's always about him, and how he feels. That's all he can read. He honestly believes that he can't change how things are, but that is fucking bullshit. He could if he wanted to, but he just doesn't value me, a human being, more than his own greed and self satisfaction. That's basically how I see it, due to his actions and responses. I know full well of his love for money and success, but I never realized those meant more to him than me.
Just because he's one year older than me doesn't give him a right to go out and start to make the decisions for me. I cannot even conceive of what kind of arrogance he is suffering from. I told this to Stephen, and he agreed that Alan has a very childish attitude toward things, and believes everything is told by people he thinks he respects. Yeah, he wants to be just like his parents - and I suppose he wants the same hollow, meaningless, and loveless relationship his parents have as well. Because that's what their life style got them. And the really fucking sick part is, Alan is willing this situation on us. Sacrificing something materialistic, like money, for love. Real smart, Mr. High IQ. Such great people to model himself after.
If there was a god, why does he keep hurting me like this. Why does this shit keep getting pulled on me. When I meant Alan, I realized that he was my reason for not having killed myself in 95. Now I'm just wishing I had gone ahead and done it.
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You can't have both if you only work toward one. The neglected possession will eventually be lost. And you're losing me, Alan. I don't deserve this shit.
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I am so insanely tired. In combination with yesterday, today, and with a slight cold still hovering over me, I just wanted to melt into my bed when I finally made contact with it. When I got home, I played AOE with Alan, since it was a rare thing that he was home and that he had the time and interest. He was attacking me with a ridiculous amount of boats when, for some reason, the game stopped itself. Aww, well. He then told me he would be going to scatter off to eat dinner, which he always leaves to do. That was two hours ago, and he promised he would be back. I've been laying in bed, laying down with my eyes closed, just savoring how GOOD it feels to lay down with my eyes closed. I drifted in and out of sleep for two hours, with the volume on my computer up so that when Alan did return, I would hear his IM. So far, nothing. I called his house, and the phone is busy. I e-mailed him. At times like this, there's always a part of me that worries that something is wrong, but I have gotten used to him forgetting me, or doing something else instead.
Yesterday was alright. In the morning, going by how I was feeling, I did not want to go to the football game. Stephen couldn't come to the game, so it wasn't like I would be obligated. I had to wake up early yesterday so that I could make up a chemistry test in my empty first period. I went to McDonalds and ordered two hash browns for breakfast, and received four, because I had to wait for them to cook. I didn't know about the other two until lunch time, but that's not important. I think I did rather good on the chemistry test - I think my biggest failure was how I responded to Ms Ross being nice to me. I was just plain boring, and obviously uncomfortable and awkward. I try, and everything. Just doesn't work.
Anyway.
I decided I would go to the game at the end of second period/beginning of lunch. There was no real reason why I wouldn't, other than the fact that I had to be at work so early the next day. Good reason, I just didn't want to miss the game - not many more games that I'll be able to go to, and be cheering for "our team."
I hung out at Sandy's house before the game. Did lots of stuff. I went with Sandy and her mother to pay Sandy's speeding ticket. Sandy's mother offered to pay for pizza for us, and we ordered Dominos. We went out to go pick up the pizza, since it was easier. I was amazed at how many people just hung out in Orange. Just in random parking lots, in cars, and such. I had always heard people say that their plans were to cruise Orange, but I never thought they were being that truthful. Anyway, according to yesterday, I have officially decided that I hate Dominos. I had two big slices of pizza on my plate plus two bread sticks, and I ate as much as I could swallow. I can't stand how they put some form of corn starch shit on the bottom of the pizzas. It doesn't taste good, people.
Anyway, Orange won the Football game, 28-0. Complete shut out. Something rather BAD happened at the end of the game, though - one of our star players were taken away in an ambulance. After the play, and the crowd around him moved away just enough to see, I could see him rolling back and forth on his back, holding his leg up and close to him. He couldn't get up. People came out on the field, and then they carried him off and transferred him to the ambulance that was off and running by the end of the game. I got a glimpse of his leg while they were putting him on the stretcher, and his leg was fine except for a slight red spot in the middle of his shins. I am pretty sure he either fractured or broke his leg. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Timmy was basically the best player on the team. I believe this DQ's him for all the state/district/etc awards he deserved for being such a good player. Also, this Friday Orange is playing the team they're tired for first for. It'll be hard to do without Timmy, if he can't play.
I hope he's alright.
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My afternoons seem to be slipping by at a rapid pace. They used to drag on and on, which was good, but recently, I've been in some sort of time rut. Nothing sticks. I have to wake up early tomorrow morning, as I have to be at school the normal time so I can take my chemistry test. Ugh. Fun. I'm also going to the football game tomorrow afternoon, which should be fun - I'm going to have so many different layers of clothing with me, though. It just gets too damn cold during the games.
Today was Lindsay's birthday. Her 17th, the little youngin. I sent her two egreetings (1, 2), because even though I made an effort to remember her birthday, I still forgot it. I also couldn't decide between the two. It'll keep her busy for at least 5 minutes, I hope. 