No Title Given
I wanted to spend a very long time together with Alan. I wanted to. It's not like I haven't thought about moving to Kentucky, since Alan is too childish to even consider anything else. And all I see is myself in a place that I hate, in a hallow, meaningless job I would hate, and hating the person I am with because they made come there. I would be miserable. I don't understand how Alan could be miserable by starting a new job, probably just as good as the one he has now, in a compromised location, where I would be happy as well. I don't understand how his current position sounds better than that. I don't understand how I'm the only one who is saying, "Yeah, I'll sacrifice everything I have now, and everything I feel, to start anew with you." I don't understand how he says he is working on his future, when I was supposed to be his future. It was supposed to be mine, ours, but he's just ripping me and my heart in pieces.
I have had to adjust to Alan's damn pursuit of a career for the past year. He never asked if it would be ok to take a job that would hurt our relationship; he always just did it. And yet, I still feel I need to ask him if I can die my hair. There is a very big difference of priorities there, don't you think? He always boasts that he tries to please me, when in reality, it has always been me. Me, sacrificing the things I wanted for him and what he wanted. I suffered threw weeks of not being able to talk to him, and yet he still has the balls to say that "any other girl would be so happy." Well, go find the mother fucking bitches, but you'll realize you wouldn't want someone as hallow as you, Alan. It won't seem so good when you start getting what you're giving.
Alan cannot see anything out of his own perspective. Just like my father. He honestly believes that he is the best guy in the entire world. He honestly believes he is doing all these good things, when he doesn't even want to acknowledge that I cry over him and his stupid decisions all of the time. He said I only cause him "head ache and hear ache" - well, fuck, I wonder why I make him feel that way. Could it be that I am physically hurting from the situation? No, it's always about him, and how he feels. That's all he can read. He honestly believes that he can't change how things are, but that is fucking bullshit. He could if he wanted to, but he just doesn't value me, a human being, more than his own greed and self satisfaction. That's basically how I see it, due to his actions and responses. I know full well of his love for money and success, but I never realized those meant more to him than me.
Just because he's one year older than me doesn't give him a right to go out and start to make the decisions for me. I cannot even conceive of what kind of arrogance he is suffering from. I told this to Stephen, and he agreed that Alan has a very childish attitude toward things, and believes everything is told by people he thinks he respects. Yeah, he wants to be just like his parents - and I suppose he wants the same hollow, meaningless, and loveless relationship his parents have as well. Because that's what their life style got them. And the really fucking sick part is, Alan is willing this situation on us. Sacrificing something materialistic, like money, for love. Real smart, Mr. High IQ. Such great people to model himself after.
If there was a god, why does he keep hurting me like this. Why does this shit keep getting pulled on me. When I meant Alan, I realized that he was my reason for not having killed myself in 95. Now I'm just wishing I had gone ahead and done it.