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I just called Alan. He picked up the phone. We said a few sentences. I said hi, and he replied with a hi, but also asked if he could call me back, because he was in the middle of eating dinner with his family. He had a "tone" in his voice... A "not happy to hear from you" tone. It's been a while since I heard that. Since May.
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I was hoping that by the time I got home, either my senior pictures would be available on the internet, and that Alan would have e-mailed me. I checked my mail, and had nothing of particular interest. I checked to see if my photos were done, and they were not. Waa.
The "sitting" was awkward. I always feel so snobby and horrible and uncomfortable when I am getting my picture taken. The photographer was a really nice woman. She still made me nervous, because my first poses may not have always been what she wanted. She told me to smile, and my instinct was to smile big... And too big. When I smile like I smile while laughing, I look as if I am snarling. Which is why I usually lean over while I'm laughing, or cover my mouth. But, I ended up smiling like that for the pictures. I think there was a total of 8 pictures taken; 4 in "normal" clothes, and 4 for senior pictures. Two of the senior pictures I looked sooooo pretty in. I can't wait to show them off 
I had my hair in pretty curls, and it all fell together so perfectly. The only reason why I purchased the other two pictures in normal clothes is because I felt bad having made her waste her time doing them.
I also convinced my mother to go to Wards to use the $10 coupon she had. I bought a new watch, and a pair of faded jeans. I needed the watch, since I lost my beloved black and white one some time over the summer, in my own room no less. I am pretty sure it feel in a trash bad, or something. At the store, I saw MY watch again, and I wanted it so bad... But then I saw a watch in my *new* favorite color. I fussed and fussed over the decision. But, it turned out, that the blue watch was 50% off, so I got that instead. With my mother's additional 20% discount, it only cost $21, including the pants. Hehe, I am a bargain shopper.
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Today was horribly awkward. Situations are just getting worse and worse, and I have not heard from Alan at all, which is just... awful. Alan, if you're reading this, please e-mail me, something, anything. I have to take senior pictures tomorrow, and probably won't be online until about 3, or so. Give or take some time. Silence kills, it really does. I can't help but think that you are making decisions about me, that effect me, and that I'm not being given even a glimmer of hope as to how they will turn out. Maybe you're not even thinking any negative thoughts, but the silence has me on edge.
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Internet tests are never really that actuate for me. I take them for fun, but never really expect to be slapped with something authentic. Something that makes me wonder who's been spying on me. That sort of thing So, this quiz came as quite a surprise. (link via momentary.org)
Your Existing Situation
Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.
Your Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she is receiving less than her share and that there is no one on who she can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions make her quick to take offense, but she realizes that she has to make the best of things as they are.
Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.
Your Desired Objective
Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Desires an intimate union, in which there is a love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust.
Your Actual Problem
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.
Your Actual Problem #2
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.
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I had wanted my room to be clean for school. Right now, I cannot really move my chair freely backwards because of all the shit I would be running over. Ohh, the agony of laziness.
I like having a college course. The first two days of school, me and Lindsay made trips to McDonalds in my little Chevy truck. The first morning, we didn't even have a class, so we got to sit down and have a nice meal and talk. The second day, yesterday, we actually had class, but apparently only 6 of us knew it would be held that day. Mainly because we had all been told that the first class wouldn't be held until the following Tuesdays, and only the students who wanted to double check actually found out when the class would be held, and in what room. The "professor" was very laid back, cool, smart, and well... He was a moderate sense of humor. He is someone I could easily like. Around 9:40 or so, he said, "Well, do you guys have enough time to go to breakfast?" We said that maybe we could, and well... He dismissed us. Just like that. Me and Lindsay decided to make a break for McDonalds and get something in us, just to be pampered. We were ALMOST late, because we got stuck at the train crossing. I was freaking us both out, because my watch was wrong, and I was so sure we would be late. But we arrived, right on time. It was cool.
I had to buy college books today. It was a complete mess. They told us to arrive at 8:15, and then we were informed that they would not be coming for another 15 minutes. That came and went, and they still weren't there. So, everyone left. Then, around 9:30, when they were announcing for the senior class to meet in the cafeteria, they decided then to mention that we all needed to go back to room 110, because the Germanna book people were finally there. They were a hour and a 1/2 late. But I suppose that's college for you.
My mother, being the paranoid person she is, went ahead and paid the amount for the class that I would need before school started, so there would be no questions about me having paid. Well, on Monday, they decided then to spring the idea on us that we needed to purchase a book, for a class that we would be taking for 4-5 months. The book ended up being $74.75, and I had to pay out of my car money. Fucking bitches. And they BETTER buy that book back from me. And because I brought cash, I had to spend a good 15 minutes running around the school trying to find someone to cash a $20, because the lady didn't being any money with her, as all the letters they sent out basically said to bring checks.
My classes are alright. In some ways, I am very glad I take the "slow" classes. In a lot of ways, I can almost anticipate it when my fellow students will not understand their assignment, or what we are currently learning. It's a little frustrating, and I almost feel bad knowing/thinking I'm ahead of the class. Is that a bad thought? Probably. I just almost miss being in a class that challenged me, even if it did give me D's. I hated being challenged before, but that's because I had so much. I always miss the things I hate.
Having been in school, I've been keeping my eye out for Billy. I wanted to see if he had changed over the summer. Today, leaving the student parking lot, I saw his sister walking in a certain direction with car keys. I looked over in that direction, expecting to see Billy, and I did. He was standing beside a small car, in a yellow shirt. It was from a little bit of a distance, and I couldn't tell if he had gotten taller, or anything. He looked a little heavier. I gawked, and he must of recognized me, because he brought up a hand a waved. I waved back. It was weird. Really weird.
Alan is at college right now. I had almost picked up the phone to call and see where he was when I realized where he was. I sent him an e-mail yesterday, and he didn't respond like I asked him to. His silence scares me, terrifies me. I don't want to lose him again. I can't even pinpoint what I am losing him to. Yes, we are different, but if we care so much about each other, why can't there be more options we could consider? Right now it a "his way or her way" situation, which it should never be. Basically, my way would mean him losing a great chance at a free, yet quality, education, as well as a rather finical start in life. Alan's way would mean ripping me up and away from everything I have ever known, and placing me in a situation that I do not really think I am mature enough to accomplish without my family still within reach. He's ready and anxious to leave home, which I am not. He wants a country life, and I long for a city.
It's all of this, and so much more. It's just so much petty crap. Alise read some of my blog entries, and e-mailed me a long letter about my situation w/Alan. She gave thoughts. It almost surprises me how much more alike we are now. I could almost see my entire thought process in all of her words. I had gone over almost everything she said before in my head, but it was somewhat comforting to have someone else tell it to me. She said a quote form "Ever After" that fits me and Alan's situation.
"A bird may love a fish, Signoras, but where would they live?"