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I forgot Alan had college classes this afternoon, and was getting a little afraid when he was not online after I got home from work. I thought that maybe my hissy fit had bothered him more than I thought. He signed online during a break from college, and the first thing he said was that he had gotten me a gift. Me, a gift, because I was upset yesterday. It made me feel really guilty.
Yesterday when Alan left, I was rushed with a really bad feeling. It was the same type of feeling that I would get during the time I had broken up with Alan, and I would call him, and he would always be on the verge of leaving to somewhere. It game me the same feeling I felt when I had to hear him hang up the phone. It was really out of place; I really hated it. But regardless, I should understand that one "bad" day, which wasn't even really all that horrible, will lead to ruining the new found understanding that we have.
I was thinking about what Alan said as he was standing outside of his car before he left from Myrtle Beach. This was after we had had our "talk," which had really cleared the air between us. He was talking about promises and agreements, and generally referring to the talk we had. He said, ".. And we're never going to break up again, ok."
It made me think. It made me think about what Alan had said when we first broke up. How he didn't see the relationship making him happy in the long run. It reminds me of all the arguments we had before the break up, specifically over sex. About how I never did it, and how he had become to consider it a "need." It makes me wonder why he never told me why he broke up with me, other than he didn't see our relationship making him happy. He never told me what I did to make him unhappy. It makes me wonder if it was because of sex. What if it was the lack of sex that made him unhappy, and that's why he didn't see the relationship making him happy. It would explain his choice of words as he was leaving. That now we have an understanding about how the other feels about sex and sexual actions, that we'll never break up again. It makes since, really. Like putting together a puzzle.
And surprisingly, I am not mad. I'm not furious, I'm not irrational about it. Even when I first came up with the idea, I wasn't. I was calm. It's been a gradual realization for me, which I suppose makes it easier. It had the same effect on me when I finally came to accept that Carl felt nothing for me when I was 15. My mood tendencies confuse me sometimes.
Speaking of Carl, I thought it was humorous when he was called up to the front to help bag, because we were exceptionally busy. We had both the managers bagging already, because neither of them knew how to run cash register. I like it when it get so busy in my department, because I feel like everyone else in the store is saying "wow." I'm weird like that. I like that kind of attention. I like to hear someone call over the intercom, "we need assistance on the floor," because everyone can hear it, and know we're busy. Heh. Doesn't take much for me :ehh:
And despite how busy we were, I still got to go home early. Only about 45 minutes early, but it's all good. After I got home, I had to run back to the store to get some ice cream and cheese. I had made it to the bakery department when Terry called over the intercom, "Chrisy, you're needed up front please, Chrisy." I went back up front, and Gene laughed at my mocking confused face and manner. She reminded me that I had no picked my pay check up yet, which I had been forgetting to get for the last week. I'm glad she reminded me, and she went and got my pay check right then. When I returned home, I opened it up, and guess how much money I made? $272.93. Hells yes. That is the biggest pay check I have ever gotten. I'm good. And rich.
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"And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
Cause I can
Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
I don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just to be sorry.
Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
I tried to be more than me
And I gave unti it all went away
And we've only surrended
To the worse part of these winters that we've made"
"I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands over me
But don't go weak on me please
I know that it's weak
But god help me I need this"
Matchbox 20, "Bed of Lies." I like this song. I just wish I related more to the words.
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Alan didn't like the short and simple "fuck you," I left in his mailbox, so he signed back online to tell me it was very mean of me. Everything was going great until today, and today was right back to how crappy things used to be. So, excuse me if I find that extremely frustrating. Things don't get better if they're just getting worse.
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I get so fucking pissed off when Alan never talks to me because he "don't know what to talk about," and then on top of that, spends the majority of my day off sleeping and leaving fucking early. I CAN'T STAND THAT. There was so reason for him to leave early, none. I just must be too boring to have someone long to spend time with me. That's how it leaves me feeling, when I just want to scream for him not to go, and he knows it, and he still does.