No Title Given
I didn't like today. This morning, my mother came into my room while I was still asleep. She flipped on my light, and said, rather loudly, "Chrisy, it's 6:30." I slept in a 1/2 hour. Had a 1/2 hour to get ready for school. I got out on time, but I hate being rushed. I can't stand being rushed in the morning. Hate it.
I have so many pressures from school, about my schedule, about how my senior year will be shaped... Things I have to complete in a limited amount of time. By the 23, actually. And it can only be done during one of my classes. It makes me feel rushed. It's so frustrating and inconvenient. I will be so angry if I cannot take the college courses like I wanted. I will be fucking furious.
Amanda missed yet another day of school. She was behind to begin with, and I know when she returns, she will complain about being behind. But that's ok. I am anxious to talk to her; she seemed to be the only one that was truly concerned about the situation with me and Alan, without me having to mention it first. Sandy did, of course. Amanda was the only one who would ask me when we had last talked on a regular basis. She would want to know about why and what. She seemed interested. In Amanda's way, she seemed interested. It was better than nothing. She was supportive, too. She was the last person I expected to turn to.
When I stepped into my third period, Romone came up to me. He asked me if I was with "that guy," referring to Billy. I said no. He said, "are you guys just talking?" I said "I guess." And Romone responded, "Oh, because I saw him groping you the other day." Oops. I thought it was funny. I tried to explain it to Billy, so maybe he would get a laugh out of it. Instead, I had to explain was grouping is. Pathetic.
Billy is becoming an increasingly difficult problem. I have now become aware that his friends know of me, because they will get his attention of they happen to spot me in the crowd, when Billy has not. Things like that. Simple, insignificant things that mean something more than nothing. During class, I leaned over to help him do something with his computer, and he did something with my chin. I have no idea how really to explain it... It's like a gentile pinch motion. Like you see in movie when one character is admiring another. I just smiled. He has also become more bold in just putting his hands on me while he talks to me. Not really caring who sees. I'm not exactly surprise, because that was what I was aiming for, hoping for. But not now. I don't think I want that now.
I hate being the perfect example of the things I hate.
Things are going well with Alan. It a nice to have him online when I get home, and willing to talk to me. Wanting to speak with me, and ask me about my day. I missed that. He said he was out to prove himself to me yesterday. He's doing a good job. I've missed him so much. I had almost convinced myself that I would never see or hear from him again. 1/2 of me feels like I am talking to a ghost. Like I've really gone mad and it's all in my head. Ugh. That's such a silly thing to say.
He's trying for me. That makes me feel so good. Back to how I used to be. I've never had anyone try for me, try to accomplish something for me. On behalf of me. No one has, but him.
I miss him. I want him. I don't want to wait, I don't like waiting. I'm too impatient. I can't stand it. I've missed him so much. I miss him now. I'm aching.
I am better. All day, I have basically forced myself to think. To try to grasp realties, what has happened, and what will happen. That the future is what counts. I am proud of the fact that I made that much progress in one day. I'm still angry and frustrated and disgusted, but... It's just better. Getting better.
Worked sucked in general. I did "re shop" for the first time, and I doubt they will ever allow me to do it again. Gene, a manager-on-call, went with me, since it was my first time. I did not spend that much time with her and the cart as she went around the store. I kept finding things that were out of place, and focusing my time on those. I loved walking around and working the isles, though. I wish I worked back there. It is so much easier, and I would be paid so much more. Dream, Chrisy, dream.
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No Title Given
My writing is pure shit this afternoon. My mind is moving too fast. I had a bitter-fit.
I'm miserable. For a while, I have been protected by a tough bubble of ignorance. My form of "happy" has been nothing more than a pretty outer shell, hiding something ugly deep inside. I've known it. I created the disguise on purpose. It actually did make me feel truthfully happy to act happy. But I suppose not knowing the whereabouts of the emotions that are flying around inside of me is designed to fail. It's dangerous. Especially when someone sets my fuse.
For the past 24 hours, my world has been turned inside out and upside down. My thoughts and actions contradict so many things I have said I would do or wouldn't do. So many boundaries that I had set for myself, are just torn apart. It breaks so many different promises to I made to myself. For what? A insignificant phone call that I received at 11:30 at night yesterday. I'm so torn, and I have no way of communicating the pain. I am so emotionally drained. All over a two hour phone call.
Alan said he misses me. That he wants me back. But what am I to do with that? With everything I have in my life now, with everything I have been in the process of recreating, where do I fit that in? Do I stop, lay down, and take a risk? How can I really trust him?
I've spent all afternoon speaking my conflicting thoughts to Alan, and I got a lot of answers that I wanted to hear. I usually do not speak my feelings so freely to him. I think I communicated what I had to say very well. Everything seems almost too good to be true. And yet it's tarnished, with ugly spots. With some un repairable holes as well.
I'm trying not to run toward him. I'm trying not to act on an impulse I have learned to think better of. And it's so hard on me. I want to love him. I want to touch him and talk to him. And I don't want to feel like I'm making a terrible mistake in the process. I don't want to feel foolish. I don't want to feel like I should know better. I just want to jump right into him, but I can't. I can't let myself. Not now.
He had a girlfriend in the two months we were apart. She took up a month and a 1/2 of that time. And because of that, he looks dirty to me. Used and second hand. I had enough trouble dealing with his vast experience over me, girls from years and years ago, but to have someone in my wake, just.... OSIGUPIGHIGHIGHIFDSLGHSDIVBCXJVkdabnfgkjs I can't fucking stand it. And I feel so foolish. He never told me about her, and the whole time, I was calling his house. I was speaking with his mother, and leaving pathetic messages on his answering machine. And everyone in the house knew. They knew how stupid I looked, while at the time I couldn't even conceive of what was really going on. I felt uncomftrouble around his family enough. How could he do that to me? HOW COULD HE FUCKING DO THAT?
And apparently, she was better looking than me as well. Pin a rose on my nose. I feel so much hate.
There's talk of him coming down this Sunday. Driving 11 hours straight, just to see me. Who knows how that will go. I've put so much thought into the situation, and because of what has happened, I am not completely sure of my feelings. I'm not sure if they're even there anymore. That is the only way I can make the decision that I have to make. If I can see him.
I basically have to choose between Billy or Alan. I am not sure how hard it will be. I don't know. Billy is here, and Alan is not. Alan is what I want, Billy may not be. I don't know. I hate situations like this.
Other news: We had an hour long lunch at my school, and the whole student body had the same lunch, instead of our usual A and B lunch shifts. During the middle of lunch, one hick-like characters were carrying around the rebel flag, and trailing it behind them like a cape. They went into the school's old gym, which is where most of the black kids hang out, and made snobby comments to them. Or wern't outwardly nice, or something. Then, super hick came back out side and parked it on their normal benches in the courtyard. About 40-50 people came down from the old gym, ready to confront/fight whoever the flag-asshole was. Of course, everyone crowded around, and cops popped out from everywhere. Nothing happened, but I heard the school was trying to suspend people. And I'll give a wild guess who they're not suspending.
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No Title Given
Today was just one of those good days. I'm not left thinking to myself, "I wish I had done something different." I've been feeling so good lately, which is an accomplishment compared to how I could be feeling. I've weeded out everything that was bad and negative in my life, and turned full focus on the good. I'm happy again.
This morning I had a state test to take for my Algebra class. Although I doubt I got a perfect score, I was rather pleased with myself as I was taking it. I took my time. To me, if my answer is even one of the 4 answer choices, I feel good. I feel smart. At least I knew enough about how to work the problem to do the most common mistake. No negative thoughts. It's all good.
Because of SOL testing, we only had two class periods, but they were 3 hours long. So, in the afternoon, I got to spend 3 hours with Billy. I think I really like Billy.
He is the complete opposite of the "perfect guy" that I have somehow conjured up. This perfect being was nothing more than a shadow of Alan. Maybe that is why I am so ready to abandon my standards. I'm peaking around them. I'm curious. I want to break through; I want something new and fresh.
For the past couple of days, it has been... I don't know. A mixture of forces that seem so strong, and just plain sexual frustration. I am drawn to Billy. I gravitate. He cannot seem to keep his hands off of me, either. It's something. Something I can't turn off.
We spent all class period gently gliding fingers over each others arms and legs, and trying not to get caught by others in the classroom. If only he knew how much that turns me on. Could it be the excitement that makes me yearn? Could it be the fact that I love attention in general? Or is it because I adore his eyes, his smile, and the way he talks? Possibly his voice? He glides is hands up and down my legs under the table. And goes past my legs, and in between. Could it be I just like his hands? The motion of his hands?
While the class had gathered around a sole computer, staring at the contents of the screen, Billy leaned into me and reached his arm behind me. Right on my butt, while everyone was standing around. Did I mention I liked the motion of his hands?
Later in the class, we were sitting side by side, watching a movie. Being in the back of the room has it's advantages. The whole stop and go routine every time someone turned around was somewhat exciting. Very exciting.
Something unexpected happened. At one point, we were just playing with each other hands. Gliding, touching... And he locked hands with me. Fingers side by side, plam to palm. We stayed that way. We spent a 1/2 hour alone joining and un joining hands. For some reason, that action has come to represent a very powerful message to me. I feel so pre teen saying it, but I could have melted.
I think I really like Billy.
Other news: For this week, I am currently the BEST cashier on the floor. With all the statistics they keep on us, I have the highest percentage overall. I am so proud of myself.
I also found out today that in order to get a raise, I would have to ask for one. I wasn't going to bother at first until I heard that new employees get $6 an hour, while I have been there for 6 months, and still only receive $5.75. Some hell must be raised. That is ridiculous.
I am so proud of myself. I had a few guestbook entries that made me so happy I could almost cry. For the past 3-4 years, I have tried to base my entire existence on being opinionated, but open minded. I hate it when someone doesn't seem to be aware of other possibilities. I have also gone to great lengths to improve my writing skills. And some of the visitors to my site recently have been giving compliments that I have waited years to receive. It give me a new form of hope. It makes me feel like someone understands. Whether they agree or not. That, on some level, the respect the hard work.
That's it. I need sleep.
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No Title Given
I've been thinking a lot. It's all really disappointing. Some parts of me want to start a relationship with Billy. I know what to say to him, how to react to him. I feel comftrouble. And I like the way he looks at me. But he is so young, and the lifestyle he is becoming accustom to is something I doubt I could work around. My needs and his needs would conflict.
I want him. But I don't want a fling. I don't want to ruin what is there for something that wasen't worth the sacrifice. But we've already pushed the envelope. I can't back up. I'm stuck. But I'm not sure if I want to move forward from what has been done.
But it felt so good. He felt so good.
I went shopping with Sandy yesterday. We went wondering through town, going to misc. stores like Target and Best Buy. We cruised the mall, and what not. We went around buying Mother's Day presents.
I went into town with $125 on me. I came back with $10. I bought my mother a "foot spa," which is something she has been looking for forever. I bought some scented candles, which I later discovered smelled horrible. I bought key chains for my book bag from Spencers. I went to a clothing store and bought a lamp shade shirt and a little blue number. Very proud of myself for those. Me and Sandy went randomly through the dresses, picking out some of the more outrageous things for me to try on. I don't mind; if I can crack her up, it makes me feel better for her to wait on me. The best part: there were some girls from my school, black girls, who hate me. And I was prancing around in tacky dresses that were too tight. I'm so bold.
I don't know. So many things happened in those 6 hours I spent with Sandy. So much that I wish I could type it, but I doubt I could never explain everything I enjoyed. I am such a pack rat, and I wish I keep everything. I can't remember my childhood. That eats me up.
I enjoy talking to Sandy. We think alike on a lot of subjects. We're both perverted as shit. I put her mind in the gutter back in our freshman year. Who knows how the fuck mine got there. I suppose it was a lot more fun than being uptight.
I am confused. Confused, willing, and reluctant.
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No Title Given
It's amazing the things I will do when I become cough up in a situation, a moment, an urge. It also amazing the things I am so willing to spill out to anyone.
I touched an erection yesterday. The second person in my entire life, and I did it yesterday during my tech foundation class.
Billy Thomas.
I've been turning thoughts about it over and over in my mind. I've been thinking about my options, and what I would like to do with them. For the past two days, our harmless flirting turned into kinky massaging and sexy glances. The way everything happened makes me feel a little slutty. But, for the past two years, I have felt like I as married. I think I deserve one fling.
It is certainly not how I would like to start any form of a relationship. I've been down that road, and it did not have any pleasantries. There's an attraction, but does not have the probability of fulfilling me emotionally. And I'm not sure that is what I am looking for right now. I am stuck between the fear of having free will (and whatever reputation that will give me,) or trying to find more love.
Me and my friend Amanda have found an area to bond on. We both tend to move fast. She feels comftrouble doing so, but I just do it and ask later. It is one of the few subjects that she has not yet been able to be distracted from. I'm shocked.
I went out with Sandy this afternoon. I wish I had more energy to go into detail. I always have so much fun with Sandy. I can crack her up. Maybe tomorrow, when I can see straight. I'll write then. After work, and after my follow up eye doctor appointment. After that.
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