No Title Given
I am unhappy.
I don't trust Alan's friends. I don't trust Alan when he's around people I do not trust. No real reason why I would, or anyone would. Alan is out with West right now. West is a person Alan gets high with. And I don't think Alan is honoring the promise he made to me.
Alan called me tonight, and we're talking. He's tired, and he wants me to keep him awake by talking. Just then, West stops by. Alan covers a hand over the receiver, as anyone would do. But I still hear what they're talking about.
West: "What are you doing?"
Alan: "Just talking to my girlfriend."
Mumbles. I can't make out what they're saying.
West: "Are you going to party tonight?"
More mumbles. They are talking about how they got high on Friday night. Something about a pizza staining a carpet. More mumbles. He uncovers the phone.
Alan: "Chrisy, I'm going out with my friends tonight."
Chrisy: "Ok..."
Alan: "I'll be online tomorrow.." He gives times that he will be.
Chrisy: "Fine."
Alan: I'll talk to you later."
Chrisy: "Don't do anything, ok."
Alan: "I won't."
Chrisy: "I thought you were tired?"
Alan: "I am tired."
Chrisy: "Ok..."
Alan: "I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you. bye."
Chrisy: "Fine. I love you. bye."
That fucking pisses me off.
When someone makes a promise to you, and that promise is challenged, what would you expect someone to say? "Don't be silly. I promised I wouldn't," or "Don't worry. You can trust me." Or, that seems to be the response I would expect from Alan. I know if I was in his situation, the only reason why I would respond with "I won't," would be if I was thinking the opposite in my mind. I would only say that if I had the intentions of doing whatever it is that I was saying I wouldn't. It's an answer that doesn't seem to take much thought; an instant response, an instant cover up.
I really don't trust him with West. I don't trust him from what I heard them talk about. I don't trust how he could completely blow me off on a whim like that. I don't like it when he does that. I didn't like how he always chose his friends over me before, and it's just worse now. Alan has yet to give me a reason to trust him.
I should stop talking to my friends about this. About Alan. They all have negative feelings about him. They have me almost convinced that Alan is only back with me for sex. That he will never change. That he is lieing to me. That it's all a front. That he's some form of a playa. And in a lot of ways, Alan has not given me much to prove otherwise. He came down that one weekend, and we had sex. It makes me wonder what that weekend would have been like if we had not. When he was here, it seemed like that was all he was interested in.
It almost has me having second thoughts. I can't take all these new changes in him. I can't move past the girlfriend thing, I'll stop talking to him if he continues to get high, and I don't like the fact that he's moving out and getting an apartment with his friend Young. I don't trust that. I don't trust change. I don't like any of it, and all he does is constantly remind me of it. I love him so fucking much, but I don't like the situation. I'm shakey where I stand.
I'm trying so hard. But it seems like the problems that were there are still present, and as strong as ever. And with these new pending problems, I don't know if I can take it.
I don't know what to do. All I have is his word, and I wish that was enough. I don't know what else he could do to prove to me. I can't request that he stop everything that displeases me. It will only make him hate me for even asking such things. But I don't know what to do with myself. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to lose him again. I want the problems to just go away. Outwardly, he seems like he is willing and able to help fix them. But his actions always suggest otherwise. It makes me wonder if everything he says is like that.
It makes me wonder if I'm just so completely wrong. It makes me wonder if I can ever be in a healthy relationship. What if it's all just me? I want to talk to him, but not like this. Not like I'm shaking a finger at him and saying "You, you, you." I have some credit coming to me. I had to bring it up. I'm so fustrated.
And he'll read this and get upset or angry. I feel like I shouldn't ben so needy. I feel like it's too soon, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I'm trying to be careful. I don't want to annoy him endlessly like I did before. But it doens't seem to be working.
I need a fucking hug.
Note: Timestamp of entry is not accurate.