No Title Given
Alan is not sure if he will come on Sunday. He said he will call me tomorrow to tell me. God I hope he does. I want him here so badly.
I want to be all over him. I want to make love to him. I want to kiss him and touch him. I want to press against him, and stay that way for hours. I just want to soak him in. I want to make him feel good, and appreciated. I just want him.
I get so caught up in things. Alan may not be ready for any of that. And I am not sure if that is the impression I want to give. I don't it to seem that the relationship is purely physical. I don't want it to end up that way. I want something like that to be used an expression, and not just entertainment. I just love him so incredibly. I have and I always will. I've missed everything about him. It makes me want him so much more.
I've been holding myself back. I've been resisting my urges, and I honestly have no idea why. I keep going on and on about making sensible decisions, and taking my time... But now, those choices feel more like mistakes. I've been forcing myself to wait for something I want and need so badly. I can't be patient with myself. I thought I wasn't ready, but there is no way I could feel this strongly if I was not. I want this more than anything. I believe he is stable. I trust him. There is no real reason to wait, other than to waste time.
I am trying so hard not to be the person I used to be. The person he wanted distance and time from. I'm trying not to give him a reason or excuse to run away again. I'm trying to be more agreeable, I'm trying to be less strict. I'm trying not to make him feel bad just because something slightly displeases me. There was never any point for of it before, anyway.
Sigh. Tomorrow I have have to take a basic reading/writing test, as it is apart of the process of registering with Germanna Community College. I need to register because I am planning to take two college courses my senior year, which are credited as Germanna college hours. I already have 3 hours in, cost-free, for taking all of my accounting classes. I am not sure how much my next two classes will count for. They are English 111 and Psychology. Hopefully they will not suffocate me with work.
This year my school is doing something called "arena scheduling." They have done this, mainly, so that the guidance office will not be flooded with 50+ students requesting schedule changes on the first day of school. This way, we get to pick our own classes, with the teachers we want, during the class period we want. By the time we end this school year, we will know what our schedules will be next year. Actually, in a week and a 1/2 from now we will know. It's a very complicated process. It's all too complicated to explain. Especially when I'm in a hurry to post this.
I've been trying to schedule classes for myself that are new, and enlightening. I'm trying to challenge myself. Like more students, looking back on my high school career, I am realizing more and more how much I screwed up my chances at a good education. Now I am trying to juggle my options to leave with a good impression. Yeah, right.
Billy didn't speak to me. He smiled and nodded at me once. That was it.
Good.
Note: Timestamp of entry is not accurate.