No Title Given
My writing is pure shit this afternoon. My mind is moving too fast. I had a bitter-fit.
I'm miserable. For a while, I have been protected by a tough bubble of ignorance. My form of "happy" has been nothing more than a pretty outer shell, hiding something ugly deep inside. I've known it. I created the disguise on purpose. It actually did make me feel truthfully happy to act happy. But I suppose not knowing the whereabouts of the emotions that are flying around inside of me is designed to fail. It's dangerous. Especially when someone sets my fuse.
For the past 24 hours, my world has been turned inside out and upside down. My thoughts and actions contradict so many things I have said I would do or wouldn't do. So many boundaries that I had set for myself, are just torn apart. It breaks so many different promises to I made to myself. For what? A insignificant phone call that I received at 11:30 at night yesterday. I'm so torn, and I have no way of communicating the pain. I am so emotionally drained. All over a two hour phone call.
Alan said he misses me. That he wants me back. But what am I to do with that? With everything I have in my life now, with everything I have been in the process of recreating, where do I fit that in? Do I stop, lay down, and take a risk? How can I really trust him?
I've spent all afternoon speaking my conflicting thoughts to Alan, and I got a lot of answers that I wanted to hear. I usually do not speak my feelings so freely to him. I think I communicated what I had to say very well. Everything seems almost too good to be true. And yet it's tarnished, with ugly spots. With some un repairable holes as well.
I'm trying not to run toward him. I'm trying not to act on an impulse I have learned to think better of. And it's so hard on me. I want to love him. I want to touch him and talk to him. And I don't want to feel like I'm making a terrible mistake in the process. I don't want to feel foolish. I don't want to feel like I should know better. I just want to jump right into him, but I can't. I can't let myself. Not now.
He had a girlfriend in the two months we were apart. She took up a month and a 1/2 of that time. And because of that, he looks dirty to me. Used and second hand. I had enough trouble dealing with his vast experience over me, girls from years and years ago, but to have someone in my wake, just.... OSIGUPIGHIGHIGHIFDSLGHSDIVBCXJVkdabnfgkjs I can't fucking stand it. And I feel so foolish. He never told me about her, and the whole time, I was calling his house. I was speaking with his mother, and leaving pathetic messages on his answering machine. And everyone in the house knew. They knew how stupid I looked, while at the time I couldn't even conceive of what was really going on. I felt uncomftrouble around his family enough. How could he do that to me? HOW COULD HE FUCKING DO THAT?
And apparently, she was better looking than me as well. Pin a rose on my nose. I feel so much hate.
There's talk of him coming down this Sunday. Driving 11 hours straight, just to see me. Who knows how that will go. I've put so much thought into the situation, and because of what has happened, I am not completely sure of my feelings. I'm not sure if they're even there anymore. That is the only way I can make the decision that I have to make. If I can see him.
I basically have to choose between Billy or Alan. I am not sure how hard it will be. I don't know. Billy is here, and Alan is not. Alan is what I want, Billy may not be. I don't know. I hate situations like this.
Other news: We had an hour long lunch at my school, and the whole student body had the same lunch, instead of our usual A and B lunch shifts. During the middle of lunch, one hick-like characters were carrying around the rebel flag, and trailing it behind them like a cape. They went into the school's old gym, which is where most of the black kids hang out, and made snobby comments to them. Or wern't outwardly nice, or something. Then, super hick came back out side and parked it on their normal benches in the courtyard. About 40-50 people came down from the old gym, ready to confront/fight whoever the flag-asshole was. Of course, everyone crowded around, and cops popped out from everywhere. Nothing happened, but I heard the school was trying to suspend people. And I'll give a wild guess who they're not suspending.
Note: Timestamp of entry is not accurate.