No Title Given
I am getting really horrible at updating this. There's many different reasons, all of which don't make me feel any better about it. I know one of the main reasons why I clung to this journal was to vent out my feelings about my break up with Alan. The idea that Alan could have been reading my words also fueled my passion to write every day, and write with strong emotion. And also, this represented my replacement of my best friend. I used to talk with Alan about everything, and with him gone, I had no where to put it all. Just here.
I am extremely tired. This is going to be a short entry, if I even make it past this next paragraph. I am so tired, and I can't seem to get enough sleep. My fingers have been so beaten up from working, they have scab like things under my stubby finger nails. Needless to say, it makes it very painful to type. I cannot seem to stay awake in class. I've never had this problem in school. Ever.
I blame it on the fact that I had to work last Sunday. I have not had a decent time to top and rest and breathe. So, so exhausted. I have been telling everyone that if my name appears on the schedule for Sunday, I will quit. Maybe it I say it enough, I'll actually gather the balls to.
I am so contradicting. One day I can rant and rant about Alan, making him up to be for be some form of monster. And then, when he comes online says says "hello, beautiful. 
"... I just melt. Guilt sweeps over me, and I feel horrible. How could I have said such things about a person whom I know truly loves me? He does try, but all I do is watch for when he trips. I have yet to really understand why I insist on doing so.
I don't understand my current roller coaster of emotions.
3 years ago, if someone had told me that at my future job, Carl would come though my line and purchase condoms, with the sole purpose of fucking my good friend Lindsay, and that I would be giddy shit over the fact that they were... I obviously wouldn't have believed it. I'm a little proud of myself at the progress I've made, and how I am now capable of keeping a healthy friendship with Carl. I'm actually coaching the both of them on. It had been a secret between me and Carl about him buying the condoms, or so I thought.
This happened last Monday. The following day, during lunch, Lindsay said, in very general terms in order to not let anyone else know, "So, when was it that he can't through your line? Yesterday, right?" I was so shocked that he told her. We spoke about it for a few more moments, speaking in the same general terms that she started. It's always cool to talk to someone with some under lining to the conversation, that no one else knows. Or maybe that's just me.
It's just so amazing to me that sweet, little innocent Lindsay is going to get down and dirty. Finally.
Billy knows about Alan now. I was talking to Tara, and was explaining how I was back with Alan. She was saying congratulations, when Billy walked up beside us, since he knows both of us. He said "Yeah, congratulations. For what?" I said "Oh, nothing," trying to hide it. Tara announced "She's back with her old boy." Thanks, Tara. But she's never been able to keep her mouth shut.
I had been keeping it from him. Mainly because I assumed that he would avoid me for the rest of the year, or whatever. I was just going to let everything melt into summer time, and by the time we were back in school, it would have been forgotten.
I am so tired. Night.
Note: Timestamp of entry is not accurate.
No Title Given
I am unhappy.
I don't trust Alan's friends. I don't trust Alan when he's around people I do not trust. No real reason why I would, or anyone would. Alan is out with West right now. West is a person Alan gets high with. And I don't think Alan is honoring the promise he made to me.
Alan called me tonight, and we're talking. He's tired, and he wants me to keep him awake by talking. Just then, West stops by. Alan covers a hand over the receiver, as anyone would do. But I still hear what they're talking about.
West: "What are you doing?"
Alan: "Just talking to my girlfriend."
Mumbles. I can't make out what they're saying.
West: "Are you going to party tonight?"
More mumbles. They are talking about how they got high on Friday night. Something about a pizza staining a carpet. More mumbles. He uncovers the phone.
Alan: "Chrisy, I'm going out with my friends tonight."
Chrisy: "Ok..."
Alan: "I'll be online tomorrow.." He gives times that he will be.
Chrisy: "Fine."
Alan: I'll talk to you later."
Chrisy: "Don't do anything, ok."
Alan: "I won't."
Chrisy: "I thought you were tired?"
Alan: "I am tired."
Chrisy: "Ok..."
Alan: "I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you. bye."
Chrisy: "Fine. I love you. bye."
That fucking pisses me off.
When someone makes a promise to you, and that promise is challenged, what would you expect someone to say? "Don't be silly. I promised I wouldn't," or "Don't worry. You can trust me." Or, that seems to be the response I would expect from Alan. I know if I was in his situation, the only reason why I would respond with "I won't," would be if I was thinking the opposite in my mind. I would only say that if I had the intentions of doing whatever it is that I was saying I wouldn't. It's an answer that doesn't seem to take much thought; an instant response, an instant cover up.
I really don't trust him with West. I don't trust him from what I heard them talk about. I don't trust how he could completely blow me off on a whim like that. I don't like it when he does that. I didn't like how he always chose his friends over me before, and it's just worse now. Alan has yet to give me a reason to trust him.
I should stop talking to my friends about this. About Alan. They all have negative feelings about him. They have me almost convinced that Alan is only back with me for sex. That he will never change. That he is lieing to me. That it's all a front. That he's some form of a playa. And in a lot of ways, Alan has not given me much to prove otherwise. He came down that one weekend, and we had sex. It makes me wonder what that weekend would have been like if we had not. When he was here, it seemed like that was all he was interested in.
It almost has me having second thoughts. I can't take all these new changes in him. I can't move past the girlfriend thing, I'll stop talking to him if he continues to get high, and I don't like the fact that he's moving out and getting an apartment with his friend Young. I don't trust that. I don't trust change. I don't like any of it, and all he does is constantly remind me of it. I love him so fucking much, but I don't like the situation. I'm shakey where I stand.
I'm trying so hard. But it seems like the problems that were there are still present, and as strong as ever. And with these new pending problems, I don't know if I can take it.
I don't know what to do. All I have is his word, and I wish that was enough. I don't know what else he could do to prove to me. I can't request that he stop everything that displeases me. It will only make him hate me for even asking such things. But I don't know what to do with myself. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to lose him again. I want the problems to just go away. Outwardly, he seems like he is willing and able to help fix them. But his actions always suggest otherwise. It makes me wonder if everything he says is like that.
It makes me wonder if I'm just so completely wrong. It makes me wonder if I can ever be in a healthy relationship. What if it's all just me? I want to talk to him, but not like this. Not like I'm shaking a finger at him and saying "You, you, you." I have some credit coming to me. I had to bring it up. I'm so fustrated.
And he'll read this and get upset or angry. I feel like I shouldn't ben so needy. I feel like it's too soon, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. I'm trying to be careful. I don't want to annoy him endlessly like I did before. But it doens't seem to be working.
I need a fucking hug.
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No Title Given
It's 7 AM. I have no idea why I have chosen to write now. I have to get ready for work in a 1/2 hour, so I do not have much time to write. I just feel like venting my petty problems. I forgot to yesterday.
My last entry may have been a little over dramatic. I was basically writing to Alan, in some sense. No idea why I covered the topics I did. Well, possibly I do, but I do not think it was the best idea. Or I did not like the way I phrased everything, or whatever. There's something about it that I do not like. Oh well.
I worked 9 hours yesterday. Since it was a holiday, the idiots were out, and I was on express. Every time I would have to deal with a disgruntled customer, my line would get backed up. Eventually I would send them to the office. They would of course be told the same thing by the managers, and then would refuse to make eye contact with me on their way out of the store. Haha, fucker.
I was completely exhausted by the time 6 o'clock came around. 9 straight hours of constantly being busy can do that. I kept begging the managers on call to let to go home. Another girl, Tamera, was working the same schedule as me, and she was allowed to go home around 1 PM. I later found out that the managers had taken a vote, and they only kept me because I was fast on register. Fuck me. That doesn't exactly inspire me to work hard, does it?
There's this guy that comes to my work... He older than me, possibly close to 30. Every since I have been working there, I have talked to him. He's a real nice guy and everything. I can always joke around with him, which is good every once in a while in that kind of environment. He even drove me home from work once when I was left waiting in the rain (his sister was with him, along with her baby.) Recently he has become... Too friendly. Joan says he's been bluntly checking me out while I'm working, while he's waiting in line. That makes me a little uncomftrouble. A little. But I just like attention in general. It's flattering.
Now, whenever he sees me, he says "Hey beautiful." Or when I say I'm "sorry for the wait," he'll say something along the lines of "It's ok. I got to look at you longer." Those are things that cross over a line... He's hitting on me. I am not even sure if he is aware of the fact that I am 17. He has recently become a trucker, and travels a lot. Before he left, I jokingly told him to buy me something, like a token. Last month when I say him, he made the comment that he had bought something, but he couldn't bring it with him this time. That it was somewhere off in some other state. Weird. Then yesterday, he came in saying he had it. He asked when I got off work, and I automatically responded 6. He said that he thought he would be able to make it back there around 6.
That was another reason why I wanted to go home early. It would be uncomftrouble to receive something form him. Especially how he's been acting.
I have to work today. Another fucking Sunday. I don't understand why it is to hard for Amiee to give me that one day. I've been there 8 months, I work so fucking hard there, and I don't get paid that much to do it. My doctor was the one who recommended that I request Sunday off. It was either that or quit. That's what he told me. I left a note in the request book with something along the lines of "Do I have to get a doctor's note just to have Sunday's off? I need them off. I may have to leave here if not." I mean, it's ridiculous. It's not that hard.
When I got home yesterday, I was tired. I wanted to sleep. But Alan had said that he would be online when I got home... Or he had given me that impression when I had talked to him on the phone yesterday. I waited until around 10, and he was a now show. He didn't sign on all last night, either. It makes me worry. Yesterday he was "slightly agitated" with my request for him not smoke pot. (I cannot spell the other term for the life of me.) He said yesterday would be his last time. And it makes me worried. What if he only grew angry at me since then? It makes me wonder what he is out doing... It makes me wonder if he will tell me the truth when I do ask. It makes me worried that he could have possibly just had a computer problem, and that I'm making a lot of something out of nothing.
I just worry. That was a problem I had before. I just worry so much.
No Title Given
I've missed a week of writing. I feel shitty about it, yeah. I wanted to post a whole "recap" post before moving on in this journal. But when I started to write today's entry, I got so caught up. I've spent the past two hours writing and crying. But I do that with most journal entries. For the record, me and Alan are back together. He came down last weekend, and I risked My Job to stay with him. That is all you need to know for right now.
Alan is in a different situation then me. He has experienced many other people. Dealing with the idea of there being "others" is something he has had time to get used to. Mainly because it would be hypercritical of him to be frustrated with a girl for having been with other guys, when he himself has been with other girls. It's just that over time, the excitement and shock are not as storing. The more you do something, the more easier it gets. You don't worry about it as much, you know? Not to say that the interactions he shares with other people mean anything less than they do for me... But mine are set apart.
I am very far behind in the whole relationship concept. I am still at the beginning. He was my first real kiss. My first real anything. I hold each touch and kiss to that same standard as the first. I attach so much emotion and meaning to every little action. The simple act of kissing seems to hold some earth-shattering sentimental value. Holding hands is sacred grounds. I have not had the time to be ok with the idea of other people. For two years, I was so sure that I was the only one left on his list of "fate." In addition to my childish denial, I was convinced that I was the only one that could be with him. That I was the only one he would let. I pay more attention to him and his actions just for that simple fact that he is all I've had. My first, my only.
But those thoughts and feelings are killing me now. They were not made to take this kind of blow. I'm not supposed to be accepting the fact that there was someone else. I have not been programmed for this kind of burden. I feel like I'm being punished for being happy for a moment.
The one time I should be understanding and accepting and open minded, and I just cannot find it within myself. It hurts me so much. I suppose it was one of the few childhood innocences that I had left. And it appears that that protective bubble was a big part of my relationship with Alan. It was the thing that kept me comftrouble.
The fact that he is here now is what should matter. But then I think of all the times I was home alone crying, thinking of him, and he was out with her. The fact that I stayed home from prom, to depressed to go, aching for him. And he went to prom with her. The prom that we always talked about attending with each other. I was supposed to be ours. I couldn't even conceive of it. I was so convinced that he still loved me, I couldn't even begin to fathom it. It's so hard to describe the feeling of disbelief. The things that went though my mind.
I am selfish and protective. She is my kryptonite.
But in addition to my "childish denial," I am cursed with curiosity. I am nosey. My mind takes me though situations that have happened in my life over and over. I automatically analyze everything. I torture myself, and I don't know how to stop it. I am my own enemy. My mind demands I know everything, especially the things that will no doubtably hurt me to know. Every god damned detail. I almost ache for it. And I am fully aware of what I inevitably do with the knowledge, but nothing can faze me from the wonder. I long to know the things that will hurt me. And I do it every time, over and over. There is something wrong with me.
But then, I am afraid to confess all of this to someone. Because then I am afraid they will lie to me to spare me. Nothing is worse then when I suspect someone is lieing to me. It's unbearable.
If there is ever a moment where I sit quietly, uninvolved in anything, my mind becomes a whirl wind of thoughts. I cry all the time. I just want to scream until I'm out of breath. I want someone to grab me and hug me. Tightly, with strength. I want to feel pressure. Someone taking some form of control. I hate being left alone.
I hate myself.
There have been so many times in my life where there was something that bothered me, and I couldn't tell anyone. Not for fear of acceptance, or being afraid to show a certain side of me. When I was younger, I learned that sometimes there are things no one wants to hear. It's difficult to explain, yet I can distinguish it in my mind. There are so many individual parts to it. So many childhood situations that would need mentioning in order for someone else to get a full understanding. And yet, I am reluctant to go into it. For the very reason I'm trying to explain.
I'm afraid that no one wants to listen to me and my feelings. I am terrified of becoming annoying while doing so. I only fear it because I know I think it sometimes about other people. In turn, I decided to keep feelings bottled up. It took a few years, but I soon discovered that doing this was unhealthy, and it was making me withdrawn. I then decided that depending on the situation/problem would determine who I would confide in. I only want to confide in those who my feelings effect, or someone would could make a difference. Someone whom I believe could fix things.
Example: When Alan left me, I didn't talk about it with my friends. Instead, I e-mailed him constantly, and wrote in my journal. Both of which I assumed he was reading. I knew he had the power to fix what was broken, and I pursued him.
I've been trying to get out some thoughts. I am trying to communicate my hurt and my reasons for it. Does anyone understand my demons? I'm trying to make myself feel better. I want Alan to read this and understand what I go though. I know that eventually this situation with Tabitha will become old. He will get tired with me and my problems. But I want him to understand that it kills me when he defends her. That to me, his friendship with her only represents an "option" if he needs it. I want him to know me. I want him to really know me, and still like me. He is the only person I want acceptance from.
Alan called me this afternoon. The first words out of his mouth were that he was going "to paaarrrtttta." (to party.) My first reaction was that he was going out for the evening. I was a little disappointed about that, I guess. But then he went on to say that he had bought $50 worth of mary jane and planned on smoking it that evening with some friends.
It made me sick.
When we were together before, I had asked him not to do it. That I was not ok with it. During our 3 months apart, he picked up again from work. When he first told me, I let the comment glaze over. I didn't say anything. I didn't expect it to continue.
The whole idea makes me worried for his health and safety. I have such strong feelings about it... I can't even vocalize them. I just can't. I don't have the effort in me to draw a perfect circle around each comment. It is too hard to explain my feelings, and still sound completely open minded at the same time.
I started to cry while we were on the phone. I told him I could not be with someone who did it. I could not be comftrouble with myself or him if he did. He was quiet for a very long time, breathing heavily into the phone. He said that after tonight, he would stop. He said that if the decision was between it or me, he chose me. And it just made me feel worse. I always want someone to comply to me, but I hate how it makes them feel. I do it every time. It's something he enjoys doing, and I'm the reason he can't. I'm depriving him of it.
He said he was ok with it, but he later admitted that he was a little aggravated with the fact. I'm afraid he will continue to do it and not tell me. There really isn't any way of me knowing other than his word. If he doesn't tell me, no one else does. It wouldn't be a hard secret to keep. I hope to god he doesn't. I am tired of being hurt by things I was not aware of at the time they were happening.
I'm just tired. And afraid. And exhausted from writing.
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No Title Given
Alan is not sure if he will come on Sunday. He said he will call me tomorrow to tell me. God I hope he does. I want him here so badly.
I want to be all over him. I want to make love to him. I want to kiss him and touch him. I want to press against him, and stay that way for hours. I just want to soak him in. I want to make him feel good, and appreciated. I just want him.
I get so caught up in things. Alan may not be ready for any of that. And I am not sure if that is the impression I want to give. I don't it to seem that the relationship is purely physical. I don't want it to end up that way. I want something like that to be used an expression, and not just entertainment. I just love him so incredibly. I have and I always will. I've missed everything about him. It makes me want him so much more.
I've been holding myself back. I've been resisting my urges, and I honestly have no idea why. I keep going on and on about making sensible decisions, and taking my time... But now, those choices feel more like mistakes. I've been forcing myself to wait for something I want and need so badly. I can't be patient with myself. I thought I wasn't ready, but there is no way I could feel this strongly if I was not. I want this more than anything. I believe he is stable. I trust him. There is no real reason to wait, other than to waste time.
I am trying so hard not to be the person I used to be. The person he wanted distance and time from. I'm trying not to give him a reason or excuse to run away again. I'm trying to be more agreeable, I'm trying to be less strict. I'm trying not to make him feel bad just because something slightly displeases me. There was never any point for of it before, anyway.
Sigh. Tomorrow I have have to take a basic reading/writing test, as it is apart of the process of registering with Germanna Community College. I need to register because I am planning to take two college courses my senior year, which are credited as Germanna college hours. I already have 3 hours in, cost-free, for taking all of my accounting classes. I am not sure how much my next two classes will count for. They are English 111 and Psychology. Hopefully they will not suffocate me with work.
This year my school is doing something called "arena scheduling." They have done this, mainly, so that the guidance office will not be flooded with 50+ students requesting schedule changes on the first day of school. This way, we get to pick our own classes, with the teachers we want, during the class period we want. By the time we end this school year, we will know what our schedules will be next year. Actually, in a week and a 1/2 from now we will know. It's a very complicated process. It's all too complicated to explain. Especially when I'm in a hurry to post this.
I've been trying to schedule classes for myself that are new, and enlightening. I'm trying to challenge myself. Like more students, looking back on my high school career, I am realizing more and more how much I screwed up my chances at a good education. Now I am trying to juggle my options to leave with a good impression. Yeah, right.
Billy didn't speak to me. He smiled and nodded at me once. That was it.
Good.
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