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I spoke to Alan this afternoon. It was short. I IMed him, asking "If I IMed you, would you sign off?" He quickly answered no. It was stupid, but I was just 'testing the waters.' I asked "Do you have the time to vaguely explain (one sentence or less) why you have not (basically) spoken to me in almost two months?" There was a long pause... and he answered "i don't know why; i have been very busy, but i am not using that as an excuse. because i am an asshole, does that work. that is an apology for being a jerk too." There was stupid small talk in between. Then I asked him if I should just let him be. But he never answered that question. There was a long pause, and he just signed off.
He must have noticed that bit of self confidence I had started to gain. It's a good thing he took care of that. Who knows what could have happened to me if it grew any more. But I guess I should have known better. I'm not wanted anymore.
Mr. Harner was ranting during class today. About religion, like he always does. He starting talking about people who don't believe in god. He said that they were lower than the devil. His reason why? "Because even the devil believes in god. Think about that. The devil was kicked out of heaven, he believes in god. Just THINK about that." I did for two seconds. Odds are, if a person does not believe in god, I don't see any reason why they would believe in the devil, either. It was just complete lack of forethought, as most religious people seem to suffer from.
I don't understand Christians. They are supposed to love and accept every body. And then I over hear them speaking about gay people, and saying "They deserve what they get for being gay!" They say it loudly and proudly. It just makes me sick. There's something seriously wrong with a faith that promotes those thoughts / feelings about anything or anyone. No matter what they do, no one should think they have a right to lable right or wrong. But they have their heads so far up their asses, they can't even smell their own shit anymore.
I haven't exactly been surrounding myself with positive people lately. I thought I was, but the ugly seems to show through more times than not. It's exhausting to constantly think that I need to out due myself, or not act like myself at all, just so these people will pay me attention. I'm only allowed a few sentences about myself before I've said too much. I'm not exactly the ideal conversationalist, either, but I try. It's weird; I don't really talk to the ones who I know will listen. Guilty of self infliction again.
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No Title Given
I heard prom went rather well on Saturday. The only problem was the mud from the rain, and I haven't exactly heard any tragic stories about it. The tents weren't exactly heated, but anyone could have guessed that that would happen. It was so cold, and around 2 AM it was snowing. I have already seen some pictures of those who went, and everyone looked so good. It makes me wish I could have gone. With curls in my hair, and a nice long elegant dress. I remember Mike S., a boy from my work, couldn't find a date for prom. He kept asking me if I was going, and I would tell him I didn't have a ticket. At the time, I showed genuine disinterest, since I didn't really want to go. I wonder if he was trying to ask me... But oh well. He ended up taking some other popular girl. I hope they had fun.
I got a 100 on a project in my third period class. It was the basic "egg drop" project, where you are giving limited supplies to build a structure that could protect an egg from a drop of a determined distance. Mr. Dahl, my teacher, loves making potentially fun projects into things that are painfully complicated. We spent two weeks making design statements and research for something so simple. I was teamed up with Billy, as we usually do for projects. We were the only group to get a 100.
Michael has missed at least 4 days of school in a row. Not for any real reason, just because he wanted to. Thursday and Friday he stayed home because he didn't have a date for the prom. He just keeps skipping for stupid reasons, or no reason at all. He's going to fail all of his classes, and probably put on an attendance plan, eventually.
He is trying to feed off pity. I know exactly how it works, since I did the same thing for at lest 2 years. He came to me, 3 days before prom, asking me to go. I told him no, since I had to work. He tried to put me on a guilt trip about it, saying that he would probably lose his job if he went, and he was still going. It was stupid. He then told me that because I wouldn't go with him, he was going to miss the next two days of school, which would be last Thursday and Friday. I told him to go ahead and fail all of his classes, that I didn't care. He then started going on and on about how no one ever cares about him.
All of this coming from a person who didn't bother himself with asking me how I felt after Alan broke up with me. The only thing he did was argue exactly when it happened. He does things like this, and expects everyone to pity him for how "bad" he has it. Regardless of the fact that he does it all to himself, you get what you put out. If he can't take the time to care about others, how can he really expect it from anyone? Hell, he can't even give it to himself. It's... I don't know.
I've gotten into playing my computer games again. I spent two days painstakingly moving a hacked version of Age of Empires II from my old computer to this lap top, and I've been playing it since. I was supposed to get a burned copy of the game from ">Alan, as it was apart of a Valentines Day present. But, since I never really received that gift, I had to make due on my own. It worked out fine. Game works great. I have no idea why I stopped playing it in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to communicate with people. I try to show my interest in what they do, in what they think and feel... And that's all I get. Quick, short answers that only take as little effort as needed, if that. Some people I know will completely turn away from me if I speak too in depth about myself. My friend Amanda is notorious for that, and Vince sometimes does it, too. I always feel like such an annoyance. They tell me not to think that, but they don't really give me any reason to think otherwise.
My father went out and bought a digital camera on a whim. Just like he did with this lap top. He doesn't try to research anything, just decides that he wants. He just takes the fact that he has seen them and heard about them for years, and comes to the conclusion that he is capable of making a sensible decision on what to buy. He bought the camera just so he can take pictures of the stupid coins he puts on the internet, thinking he could make $100 more on each coin he sells just by having a picture to show off.
He decided to buy the digital camera from a place where he has a credit card, such as Wards. He had the choice between two cameras, and picked the one that was $500, since it was the cheaper of the two. After he realized that he made a mistake with the first camera, he returned it and got another one today. I really can't stand it when he tries to learn something, especially computers, because then he thinks he knows more than me. He'll sit there, with a "I am thinking hard" expression on his face, and talk to me about simple things in grave detail. Like I've never seen them. He describes them with genuine effort, and as if he has discovered something amazing and new. Like he's really telling me something I don't know. I can't stand that.
I can't show him how to do anything on the computer without him ending up yelling at me. I then stomp out of the room, and he verbally attacks me, just because I won't put up with his sit and do what he wants me to do. He's waiting for me to show him how to use the damned camera he just had to have. He doesn't even know how to access the A:\ drive. He shouldn't have the damn camera to begin with. I hate it when people try to make on more than they are ready for, and then look to someone else to get them out of it.
I just fucking hate him sometimes.
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I had a nice, short entry about my day all ready to post. It talked about my silly day at work, my time at home, and how I didn't clean the guinea pig cage. But as soon as I hit submit, every single program I had open decided to stop responding. I had to restart, and everything was gone.
I'm pissed off, and too tired to retype it all. Sorry
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No Title Given
I have been looking forward to writing in here all day. Not that any of it is any good or interesting. I was actually upset that I missed writing yesterday, and I suppose that is a good sign. There must be something about this that I actually enjoy, and something that may be helping me. Possibly.
Yesterday was the traditional "Senior Skip Day," and I participated, even though I wasn't going to attend the prom. I just sat around the house and made adjustments to my web pages, and cleaned my room some. That afternoon, after school had let out, I was talking to Sandy. She said she needed to get out of the house, and I offered for her to come over to mine. She agreed, and around 5 o'clock, she was here.
It was nice to have Sandy over and just talk and watch TV and what not. The typical teenage thing. At one point we decided to go to Food Lion and pick up some things. We drove around to people's houses, and I was telling her who lived where, since she doesn't live around here. It was just something fun and pointless. One of those stereotypical things that teens are supposed to do, and something I usually miss out on. It was a nice change.
Sandy came up with an idea during the time she was over here. She was going to the prom, and I wasn't, but she still didn't want to be alone. She then remembered the After Prom Party, which is just $3 to get in, casual dress, and it lasts 12AM to 5am. She came up the the plan of me going to the after prom party, staying the night at her house, and then being able to make it back to my house in time to for work. I knew it wasn't a good idea for me, since I had to work 9 hours on prom day to begin with. I would be lucky if I could stay up until 12, much less any later than that. I asked my mother while Sandy was still here, and she told me, flat out, "no."
This morning I signed on line, and at the same time, I'm trying to get ready for work. I'm talking to Sandy, and she is asking and asking about the After Prom Party again. I told her my father had said no, even though I had not asked him yet. I already knew what he would say. She started bringing her mother into it, saying that her mother would be there at 9 on the dot to pick me up from work to bring me to the High School.
It was getting ridiculous, so I went ahead and asked my dad, incase Sandy might try to arrange for our parents to speak on the phone about it. My father said just what I thought he would say. "It's too much for you, you have a busy weekend." I told her that, and she still persisted. She kept promising I would have enough sleep, but that is just bullshit. I'd have to wake up at least 4 hours before I'd have to go to work, and at the time, I didn't even know when I would be working on Sunday. It was just plane stupid. Eventually she accepted the fact that I wasn't going. But then I had to open my mouth.
I had to go and start explaining why everything she said wouldn't work, and why it was just silly. That I couldn't do anything on weekends. I wasn't rude, but I expressed the fact that I agreed with my father. When I was done, she was quiet for a moment. Then, she said that she had to go, and she would talk to me later. Signed off. I suppose she assumed that I had not asked my father at all. That it was just me trying to find a more polite way to blow her off. I can't help that. I think it was a little inconsiderate of her to push it that much. I have to be at work at 8AM tomorrow, and it would have been impossible. She's probably a little mad at me right now, but there's nothing I can do about that.
Today was a "dress casual" day at Food Lion. We had to pay $4 to do it, but that money went to a charity that Food Lion helps out every year. They also had a concession stand out in front, and an actual live band playing. I didn't get to see any of the band, and the stand had to close down, since it started to rain. I was out there on my break, just before they closed, and I was conned into buying a tray of cupcakes for $2. 
Not bad. They're home made, and good as hell.
Joan, who works with me, is a complete trip. She's always the one who gets the stupid stuff I do, while everyone else would just sit there. Near the end of our shifts, she was trying to hook me up with all of these different people. It was funny. I turned so red.
It's 10:38 PM, and somewhere deep in the Orange country side, prom is going on. It is storming, cold, and windy, and everyone was scheduled to be outside. Most people I know accepted the fact that prom was probably going to be ruined by the weather. But then there are some people like my friend James, who snap back about the heated tents that would be up around the grounds. That won't protect from from rain and wind.
When I think of the prom, I think of what a horrible time Stephen must be having. Him and his (now) ex girlfriend went to prom as friends. Jennifer told Stephen that she would still go with him "if he wanted," like it was a favor. Doesn't that kind of make you sick? I know that Jennifer is probably off talking to some other guys, while poor Stephen is probably off by himself in a corner somewhere. I hope it's not like that, but for some reason I just get the feeling that it probably is.
Alan is always in the back of my mind. And even more so, now that I am not completely sure who it is that is posting all of the shit in my guestbook. My next guess would be someone who knows Alan, and someone who obviously thinks they know me. Just of that makes me furious. That someone actually thinks I deserve to be bothered more because of what Alan says. You just don't do what Alan did to me, you just don't. You don't promise them eternity, and then just take it away on a whim. You don't just deny them answers and tell them "just feel better." You don't turn your back on them, just because they keep asking why. Just because they keep begging you not to hurt them. You don't just do that. In the kind of relationship me and him were supposed to have, you don't just do that.
I am so fucking bitter.
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No Title Given
I don't really feel like writing. I am tired and my eyes are red. Besides, I haven't been producing the most intelligent of things to say. I've spent the majority of my afternoon putting a 300 MB game into 23 different zip files so that I can send them to Vince.
He, by the way, has not been talking to me. I have no idea why. I'm trying not to take it personally, and hopefully it isn't.
I'll write something tomorrow. I'm too tired right now.
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