No Title Given
Yesterday was emotionally exhausting to me, which is why I skipped writing. I actually spoke with Alan. Not on any good terms. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to scream at him for making me love him. For being so damn careless with his promises. But I spoke in a soft tone, or the best that I could create. I wanted to talk to him about my thoughts, not the PG shit we chewed over. I've learned that he sees it as a real privilege for me to speak with him. He takes it away when I do or say something he does not like. But that happened later, anyway.
Regardless to my efforts, everything I said had a bitchy undertone. And it especially didn't help my temper when he changed the topic every time I tried to tell him I've been needing to say. It's impossible to explain what the conversation meant to me, and the complete rush of emotions that ran through me. I cried and cried without even caring to analyze what exactly I was crying for. A mixture of relief and mass disappoint.
He said the reason why he was resistant to contacting me was that every time me and him spoke, I would get not only myself but also him upset. It's not exactly a happy time, and neither of us should expect it to be. Or punish the other for not promoting a "fun" environment. I have had one simple request since he pulled this shit on me, and he has dodged it every time.
I told him I couldn't be friends with him. I explained how he may care about me, but that it is not the same level of caring I am used to associating to him. That I cannot be that close without being able to act upon my feelings. How it is unhealthy to restrict myself in that matter. He said he understood.
"Sometimes I miss you Chrisy."
That doesn't fix the hurt I constantly feel. It is nothing compared to how much I miss him. Sometimes isn't enough. And it's funny how I was not able to make the assumption that he missed me at all, especially when he made it obvious that I was at the very bottom of his acquaintance list. Oh, silly me, I should have known all along. Actions speak louder than words. He can just have me whenever he wants me. That is how I see his want for a friendship, and I cannot function under it.
He went on about how he was not able to do anything with his friends until after 10 or 11, as if he deserved some sympathy for how busy he was. I don't care much about his other social interactions, especially since he didn't care to worry about my pitiful cries for any sign of life from him. Everything must be more important than me now. I had my time, right?
This whole event has taken my life away. I am left sitting around my house, crying, and honestly not being able to bring myself to do much else. I just can't. I don't even believe in that kind of helplessness, but I can't make myself move.
Yesterday, my friend Vince tried to challenge my intense emotion about the whole situation. To me, he seems to hold little or no value to any event or person. Everything just breezes over him. In ways I wish I was more like that. But then I doubt I would have been able to enjoy the love and happiness that I have on such levels.
I honestly cannot grasp the concept that Alan does not love me. I spend hours forcefully trying to convince myself. I know that is the first steps to becoming happy, and I cannot do it. He used to tell me how lucky he felt to have me, and how he didn't deserve me. How can he act as if I'm not good enough now?
Something in me won't budge. I've been having to go to bed earlier than usual, since it has become routine for my thoughts to keep analyzing the same useless information for an hour or more before I can fall asleep.
He has to love me. I don't want to be alive if he doesn't.
I had to stay home from school today. 1/2 from exhaustion, and 1/2 from the headache I had yesterday afternoon that followed me through 6 hours of sleep into this morning.
Note: Timestamp of entry is not accurate.