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I e-mailed Alan again this morning. I must be addicted to it, or something of the like. I simply asked him to answer the questions I have been asking all along. Mainly so that I can at least sleep a little better at night. But did he respond? No. He probably never will. I suppose I'm not good enough for common decency.
I've come to the conclusion that I must represent a failure to him. That distance helps him get over whatever feelings he may have left. But I probably came that conclusion just so soften the blow on my part. I feel like I have to do something to stop the pain, and the only thing he allows me to do is send stupid little e-mails. And when they're ignored, it leaves me with such a helpless feeling, to a nauseating point. I don't understand his persistence to be so cruel to me. All I did to him was love him, probably a little too much. And I'm sorry for it.
I feel as though I need to find a new love. That has always been the only remedy to my heartbreak. Finding someone else to take their place. And I've been busy trying, believe me.
I'm actually looking to Billy, my usual project partner in my Tech Foundation class. Me and him have always shared perverted humor, and today it was a little more hot than I usually would have permitted. The whole period he sat extremely close to me, touching me and playing around. He even played with my hair at one point. No body has ever done that.
I probably would have been more into it if I was more with the idea. He's a freshman, and he's 14. I suppose I'm old fashioned, but it makes me a little uneasy to be 2 1/2 years older than him. And the fact that he makes it a habit to smoke pot as often as he can is also a real turn off. That habit is discouraging to me.
There's 33 days of school left. I'll figure out something.
It's late, and I'm so tired. Physically, but not mentally. I'm wide awake with my thoughts. I suppose I should mention that I called in sick for work on Saturday, because I was still feeling nasty and dizzy. I suppose it was a good thing, because people have been telling me that it was so busy on Saturday they thought they were going to die. All that fuss over Easter. It's silly, really.
By the way, I didn't do anything for Easter, either.
Note: Timestamp of entry is not accurate.